According to the CDC, there are now
six new variants, all competing to become the dominant strain
this winter.
What they don't realize is that they're all competing
with a strain that's already infected most of the country,
called the "I don't give a shit about
any of this any more" strain.
[applause]
You know, honestly, I feel a little
bad for the variant that becomes dominant now,
you know?
Yeah, because like, everyone has stopped caring.
It's kind of like, if you won an early season of American
Idol, then you were famous.
But if you win season 34 now, this is just
a story you tell your coworkers at the coffee machine,
you know?
It's like-- (SINGING) I'll have mine decaf.
I don't know if you saw me last night.
I won the American Idol--
OK, I'll have that report to you soon.
Thank you, sir.
But remember, all those COVID variants competing
against each other right now--
I just want you to remember, it's
not about winning or losing.
It's about this, all right?
Getting into someone's lungs and ruining their week.
Remember that.
In social media news, on Friday,
Elon Musk kicked off his new job as the head of Twitter--
[loud booing]
By-- by laying off--
[laughter]
I like how you built your "booo".
He kicked off as the head of Twitter
by laying off half of the workforce.
Yeah.
Even fired the bird.
It was terrible.
It was last seen in a parking lot [bleep] for worms.
[laughter]
Oh, relax, relax.
A dick is just a bigger worm.
But it turns out--
it turns out Musk got a little ahead of himself,
because this morning, he's reportedly
trying to rehire dozens of people that he just fired,
after realizing that he actually needs them.
And I'm going to be--
I'm going to be honest.
I'm going to put it out there.
If he's handling Twitter like this,
I don't know how comfortable I would be going with this dude
to Mars, you know?
Yeah, I don't want Elon walking into my cabin one day,
like hey, guys, it turns out I accidentally
fired the team that was bringing the oxygen.
But we'll be fine if we just stop breathing for 69 months.
Ha, ha.
Ha--
[gasping for air]
Oh, and--
[applause]
In sports news-- in sports news,
congratulations to the Houston Astros, who beat--
who beat the Philadelphia Phillies on Saturday
to win the 2022 World Series.
Yes.
And this was great news for Texas,
except for all the people who had to see Ted Cruz smile.
And I feel bad for the people in Philly.
They're blackout drunk, fighting in the streets.
And then, they had to watch their team lose.
All right.
Let's move on to some of the biggest stories of the day--
starting, once again, with the midterm election.
It's that time in American politics
where the voters get to send their order
back to the kitchen, because they don't like how it tastes.
Mm, too much inflation.
Anyway, with the big day happening tomorrow,
it's time for us to catch up on all
the latest updates in our ongoing coverage
of "Votedemic 2022."
[cheering, applause]
So here we are, people.
After months of campaign speeches, TV ads,
spam texts, and fundraising emails,
the midterms end tomorrow.
And I'm glad, especially because I won't be getting
any more of those spam texts.
They were killing me, especially the ones that start
like a booty call, you know?
Yeah, it'd be like, hey, Trevor, you up?
I'd be like, yeah.
To save the Senate?
Aww!
But tomorrow, it all ends.
And with so many tight races, both parties
are pulling out all the stops.
REPORTER: Down to the wire, a wall-to-wall weekend
of campaigning in the battlegrounds, candidates
locked in neck-and-neck battles,
bringing out the big guns.
REPORTER: The biggest names from both parties fanning out
across the battleground states that will
decide control of Congress.
REPORTER: Three presidents, past and present,
flooding Pennsylvania, holding dueling campaign rallies.
BARACK OBAMA: Fundamental rights are on the ballot.
Democracy itself is on the ballot!
The stakes are high!
REPORTER: Now, even Oprah Winfrey
has now jumped into this race.
She discovered Dr. Oz, worked with him for years,
but now announcing her endorsement of Fetterman.
But I will tell you all this.
If I lived in Pennsylvania, I would
have already cast my vote for John Fetterman,
for many reasons.
Wow.
Oprah Winfrey, coming out.
And not just coming out-- she came out against Dr.
Oz, the man she created, the TV doctor she made famous.
And that's always how it goes, people.
At some point in life, you have to kill
the monster you create.
Yeah, Dr. Frankenstein and his creature, Obi-Wan and Anakin,
parents and their kids--
every parent knows the day will eventually come when you have
to fight your children to the death to determine who will
control the remote control.
But still, Oprah going for Fetterman
must have broken Dr. Oz's heart.
Luckily, he has the perfect cure for that.
Dr. Oz's Broken Heart dietary supplement.
It'll enhance your mood and only turn your poop
yellow some of the time.
Get it now, before the FDA outlaws it again.
It's not just Oprah.
The Democrats are bringing everyone out--
Bill Clinton, Barack Obama, which, you have to admit,
is bad news for the Democrats.
Because the bigger names that you bring out
to support you in the midterms means the worse
you're doing, right?
Like, if I was a Democrat in Pennsylvania,
this would be making me nervous.
You know, it would just be like, guess what?
Obama is coming to the rally tonight.
Oh, boy!
And he's bringing Beyonce.
Ah, shit, we're so screwed.
And the truth is, Democrats are nervous right now.
Because they've got a lot stacked up
against them in this election.
Inflation is high.
Crime is up.
Pickleball is taking over for some reason.
And all of that is sending Democrats
into full-on panic mode.
President Biden is warning that American democracy
is at risk.
But it may not be enough to stop
a red wave tomorrow night.
EDWARD-ISAAC DOVERE: A lot of Democrats, whether they're
elected officials, party leaders, strategists,
are panicked, that they feel like things
are not going well for them in the midterms right now.
REPORTER: President Biden, heading to traditionally blue
Maryland today, after a stop Sunday
in another Democratic stronghold, New York.
Vote!
Get out the vote!
Now!
REPORTER: The President giving a last-minute boost
to New York Governor Kathy Hochul,
running in a now-unexpectedly-tight race
against Congressman Lee Zeldin in a state
that hasn't elected a Republican governor in
two decades.
Yeah, that's how bleak it is looking
for Democrats right now.
They're scrambling to salvage a governor's race in New York--
New York, which is crazy.
New York is supposed to be a given for the Democrats.
You know?
This is like having to beg your stalker to like one
of your posts on Instagram.
It's like come on, man!
My feet are in this one!
Yeah, no, it's just not doing it for me anymore.
So yeah, the expectations are that Republicans are going
to have a very good election and that Democrats
are in deep trouble.
But keep in mind, keep in mind, that's all based on the
polls, which--
I'll be honest-- bugs me about American politics.
Because polls are just, like, an idea,
like what a person says, what they maybe are going to do.
And that's why they're often wrong.
In fact, these days, it feels like they're wrong
a lot more than they're right.
And if you went by the polls in the last election-- like,
think about it.
Susan Collins would have lost her election by six points.
Instead, she won it by nine.
And Lindsey Graham was tied in the polls,
but instead, he destroyed his opponents.
And according to the polls, Joe Biden was supposed
to win by eight points.
Instead, he had to steal the election.
I mean, you don't know!
And there are a lot of reasons.
There are a lot of reasons why the polls could be off,
you know? You don't know.
Maybe the pollsters are biased.
Maybe people who are answering are
answering sarcastically, like, oh, I'd
love to vote for Joe Biden.
But the poll doesn't get that.
Or maybe the polls could be wrong,
because the only people who answer the polls
are the craziest people ever!
Have you ever answered a poll?
Huh? No.
Yeah.
If you get a call from an unknown number,
you don't answer.
What are you, a creep?
In fact, any time a pollster gets someone to participate,
the next call is probably to the police.
It's just like, hello, 9-1-1?
Yeah, someone just picked up my call
and spoke to me for 10 minutes.
You should go check their freezer for body parts.
Yeah, it's worrying.
But even though the 2022 election isn't over yet,
it looks like the 2024 campaign might already be underway.
According to reports, Donald Trump
is planning to announce another run for president as
soon as the midterms are over.
[booing]
Yeah, but he's going to wait for the midterms first.
Because he wants to do the responsible thing
and see if his election deniers get into power,
so they can steal the election for him.
He's waiting. It's good.
And even though he hasn't officially announced that he's
running yet, Trump is already taking shots at some
of his rivals in the GOP.
REPORTER: Donald Trump, meanwhile,
and Florida Governor Ron DeSantis
held competing rallies in the state of Florida yesterday.
While Trump urged Floridians to vote for DeSantis in his race
against Democrat Charlie Crist, the former President
also took a swipe at the Governor
as a potential 2024 opponent.
DONALD TRUMP: We're winning big, big, big
in the Republican Party for the nomination like nobody's
ever seen before.
Let's say-- there it is--
Trump at 71, Ron De Sanctimonious at 10%,
Mike Pence at 7-- oh, Mike is doing better than I thought.
Yeah.
I thought he'd be dead by now.
I guess there's always next time.
He's doing better.
By the way, I love how Trump always
gives speeches on the tarmac right in front of his plane.
Have you noticed how he does-- like, the door is open.
The-- it's almost like he doesn't
want to spend one second longer than needed with those people.
He's just like, keep the engine running!
I want to leave this shithole town
as soon as I say good night!
In fact, just dangle me from a helicopter
and pull me up when I'm done!
I want to get out of here before these rednecks
can touch me!
You saw what they did to Mike Pence!
These people are dangerous!
But the reason that speech is going viral
is because of that bitchy little swipe
at Ron De Sanctimonious.
Yeah, you saw that?
Breaking out a classic Trump nickname?
I mean, at least we think it was a nickname.
It could have just been Trump trying to say DeSantis.
You know him.
De Sanctinonia-- De Nonius.
And what makes the story even better
is that apparently, Trump has been privately testing
nicknames for Ron DeSantis.
Yeah.
Which is amazing to me.
The man is at a meeting with his team of lawyers,
and he's like, all right, all right, enough of all the ways
that I could go to jail.
What do you guys like better--
Ron De Sanctimonious or Ron De Shithead?
Which one?
[cheering, applause]
Right now-- Right now, it looks like a Trump-versus-DeSantis
feud is breaking out into the open.
And usually, when two men fight in Florida,
it's at a Margaritaville at 1:00 AM.
But this-- this is a lot more high-stakes, which is probably
why a lot of Republicans are upset with Trump
for going after DeSantis.
Yeah.
Because they're like, what are you doing?
We love Ron DeSantis.
He's our guy.
And Trump is like, yeah, I know.
That's why I hate him.
Because you see, people don't realize
that's the one thing Trump hates more
than anything-- is anyone having what he thinks
should be his spotlight.
That might be the thing that destroys
the Republican chances in 2024.
Donald Trump cannot stand not being the center of attention.
Yeah, I bet he got jealous when his kids were born.
You know?
It's like, congratulations, it's a boy.
He's like, I'm also a boy!
And I've been a boy much longer!
So long.
Many people [inaudible] best boy of all time.
All right. That's it for the headlines.
Before we go to a quick break, let's check in
on the stop market with our finance expert,
Michael Kosta, everybody!
[cheering, applause]
Michael, crazy, crazy times in the economy.
What is happening in the market today?
I am crushing it.
I mean, also, I bet big on the World Series.
I did.
Some of you think sports betting seems risky,
but not the way I do it.
OK?
Here's what I did.
I bet on the Astros, and I hedged against the Phillies.
So I actually won on both sides,
then I packaged the winnings into a credit default swap
that I sold off to a retirement community
in exchange for equity into their homes.
Now, it's comp-- it's complicated,
but all you need to know is that I
own most of your grandmothers' houses now.
OK?
It's called finance, all right?
Now, I got a hot tip for you, so pay attention, OK?
I got a hot tip for you.
But first, let's get to this chart, OK?
Look, this is Twitter going private,
and this is the biggest thing to happen
to Wall Street since the cocaine shortage of '96.
All right?
Yeah, I was there, Trevor.
It was the scariest hour and a half of my life.
OK?
Now, Twitter was a publicly traded company,
and then after this right here, it's private.
OK?
Does everybody understand that?
Public, private.
All right?
Your opinion matters here, because you're
a member of the public.
But then, after a single owner took over,
everybody can shut the [bleep] up about Twitter, OK?
Unless you have $44 billion.
It doesn't matter what you think.
It's what Twitter--
Trevor, what do you think about Twitter?
Well, I think--
It doesn't matter what you think, Trevor!
OK?
[cheering, applause]
Yeah.
I hate to do it.
It doesn't matter what anybody thinks
about Twitter, all right?
Now, here's what I think about Twitter.
Elon Musk is having a tough time with Twitter right now,
and here's how we know that, Trevor.
Because everyone on Twitter is talking about Twitter.
That's not good, OK?
It's like in my house.
When things are going great, I'm talking
shit about the neighbors.
But when my wife sits me down and says,
we need to talk about us, well, obviously,
she did something wrong.
OK?
And now, everyone's questioning Elon's decisions
and what he's doing, but let's not forget,
the man has 10 kids, right?
You know how overwhelming that is?
I have one kid.
Last night, my hair was in pigtails.
I'm wearing lipstick, singing the Frozen theme song.
My son is 17 years old, all right?
But the point is, kids drive you crazy.
I mean, look what Elon did.
He fired people, and now, he's hiring the fired people back.
He begged advertisers to stay.
Now, he's threatening them if they leave.
But of course advertisers want to leave.
Twitter's getting too toxic.
Can you imagine if you're a brand now,
you don't want to be on the timeline.
It's like, Nazi, Nazi, cheese doodles, Nazi, Nazi.
You at least wanted to be like, Cheez doodles, Nazi,
Nazi, Nazi.
OK, look, look, look, look.
The tricky situation that Elon finds himself in
is that Twitter is private now.
Remember?
This is the part of the chart where I told us
to shut the [bleep] up, right?
But it's a platform that only runs on public opinions.
So if everyone leaves Twitter, it's worthless, which brings
me to my hot tip, all right?
If you have $44 billion, just keep it.
[laughter]
[cheering, applause]
Yeah.
It's a great tip for all the people with $44 billion.
Michael Kosta, everybody!