MAN (OFFSCREEN): Woo hoo!
[MUSIC PLAYING]
FELICIA DAY: Hey, everybody.
Welcome back to my ark.
Before we jump into the species of the week, let's
look at last week's chosen survivor.
The votes are in.
You all picked--
air drum stick--
Kinectimals.
Oh, I feel bad for you guys.
Putting those little dudes on the list basically meant that
no one else stood a chance.
Oh, well.
I rigged it.
Welcome aboard, you cutie little fuzzies.
You get to live.
Yes, you do.
You get to live.
This week, we move skyward.
Now, before some douchebag comment saying, why would you
say birds from a flood when they can fly, remind yourself
that while birds do indeed fly, their habitat in on land.
And when that land is underwater, they're going to
get tired, and they're going to drown.
Think it through.
Also, I'm giving a disclaimer now that "Angry Birds" has
been purposely left off this list for obvious reasons.
One, they're all suicidal.
Two, they don't obey the laws of physics.
And three, it's the only game in history I hate more than
"Battletoads."
Said it--
yeah.
Wow, that was a sidebar.
OK, on with our candidates.
First this week is the legendary Scrooge McDuck.
Now, I know what you're thinking, I just put him on
the list because I have a thing for Scottish accents and
awesome 8-bit side scrollers.
I do.
But if we let Scrooge on board, he's going to finance
the whole thing.
We can add a lounge, maybe a bar, deck cannons-- boom--
Velcro wall.
Screw the art.
We're just going to make a cruise ship.
Plus, the guy is very handy with numbers.
So when we need to rebuild the world economy, who's going to
be a better choice?
I don't want to do accounting.
Pff, take it.
The downside is he's kind of the animal equivalent of
Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac.
So even if he did help us rebuild the world economy, it
probably would not work out well for the rest of us.
He likes to dive in gold.
He would take our money.
And even though he's spry for his age, the dude is 60.
So [INAUDIBLE]
might not be up to snuff.
Know what I mean?
Second up, the ducks from "Duck Hunt." So obviously, the
big pro here is that it's extremely gratifying to shoot
the hell out of them.
But let's assume that our goal is not senseless slaughter.
I shot these guys like crazy when I was a kid.
And for karmatic balance, they deserve a chance
to be on the list.
After years of putting up with being taken out with a light
gun, there's a real opportunity here to make up
for all the pain we put them through by letting them breed,
so we can shoot them after the flood waters recede.
We're going to need food, guys.
Come on, it's not that heartless.
The downside is, we will need a lot of them if we're going
to breed them.
Then that means they're going to take up a lot more space
than they might have.
Also, because they're 8-bit, their wings are super sharp.
And when they flap around, they can easily just slice
open the ship.
Think it through-- wood chips everywhere.
It makes sense.
Third on our list are the chickens from "Legend of
Zelda." I mean, come on, they can supply eggs-- duh.
No brainer.
It wasn't uncommon for the ships of old to have a chicken
on board for that very reason.
Also, to prevent scurvy.
No wait, that's oranges.
Forget I just said it.
I just like saying scurvy-- (SINGING)
scurvy, scurvy, scurvy.
Flip side--
if you know "The Legend of Zelda," you know that these
little guys have a dark side.
If you hurt one, even by accident, you're suddenly in a
Hitchcock movie.
Here's a nightmare scenario, all right?
You're on the ark-- rough seas.
You walk downstairs, and you're like, hmm, I think I'll
go feed the chickens.
I don't know why I'm talking like this.
Except when you get there, the boat tilts from away-- whoa--
and you step on one.
Suddenly, this cutie is picking your eyes out.
Your life is forfeit.
You're bleeding all over.
You're dead.
It's just something to think about.
Fourth on the birds list is the crow from "Resident Evil."
I know what you're thinking.
Why would I want a freaky evil bird that could turn me into a
zombie on board?
I was trying to think outside the box here, you guys.
I mean, listen, crows are carrion feeders.
So it could actually help, you know, clean up dead things.
But if we had dead things, they would probably be the
cause of them, so--
yeah.
And you know--
I'm a blank.
Honestly, I can't think of any positives for this selection.
Let's just forget about this one.
Number five--
Pipi.
Yeah, you heard me.
Pipis are those birds in "Mega Man" that make your life hell.
Though, to be fair, everything in "Mega Man" aims to make
your life hell.
Am I right?
Right?
You associate with that idea, right?
The great thing about Pipi, though, is that its metal skin
makes it highly resistant to damage and
attacks from predators.
Plus, it breeds faster than rabbits.
One egg spawns like 60 pipis.
And when you consider how much pipi that is, holy [BLEEP],
that's a lot of Pipi--
Pipi, Pipi, Pipi, Pipi.
I'll say Pipi one more time.
You love it, right?
Thumbs up.
The downsides are its virtues.
It has metal skin.
Yeah, so it's not going to be of much use in the food chain.
And that leads us to the breeding problem.
With no natural predators and reproduction on that scale,
boom, boom.
There's no population control.
And with no population control, there's no way to
stop the deluge of that much Pipi.
It's just not the best.
Let's move on.
Lastly, are the Harpies from "Witcher." Now, hear
me out on this one.
I put one of those things on the edges of the boat, and we
have the scariest sentinel you could ever ask for.
Look at these bitches--
not to be insulting.
A crazy huge whale would think twice about swallowing the ark
with that thing sitting on deck.
Or apocalypse pirates--
I'm kind of fixated on apocalypse pirates.
Whatever.
I may be stretching this a little bit, but with that much
creepiness, there's got to be an advantage to having that
ma'am around.
And what better advantage than as a deterrent?
The downside is that it is a carnivorous hell beast that
likes to feast on human flesh.
And worse, they make super annoying sounds.
I would avoid it not because I was spooked by it but because
I got so sick of hearing it.
[SQUAKS].
Who wants to listen to that?
And there we have it-- this week's candidates.
Cast your vote below in the comments, and decide who gets
a place on my ark.
And as always, here's a reminder that you
could win your own--
really?
Please subscribe to "Geek and Sundry" to help us keep going,
or I'm going to give you harpies.
Yeah, that was a joke.
But I'm not very happy, so it's not funny.