welcome ladies and gentlemen to The Late Show I am your host Stephen Colbert you know I've
had we really we've had a lot of fun this week making jokes about Kevin McCarthy losing
in the most humiliating fashion possible but am I going to ask at what point does it become
sad to watch him get repeatedly dragged through the town square while the village idiots Pelton
with rotting garbage
thank you
not at this point because this is still a lot of fun by now it's really clear that every
day McCarthy attempts to become speaker is just another unnecessary but enjoyable sequel
which is why we're covering all the low lights in a segment we're calling Mamma Mia here
he lose again Waterloo running for Speed
let me catch you up let me catch y'all up on Tuesday Tuesday right because the Monday
was the thing on Tuesday on Tuesday Kevin McCarthy tried to get elected speaker but
he lost three times but then on Wednesday lost three more times you may be sensing a
pattern after the second day of defeat a desperate McCarthy offered the rebels anything and everything
including his balls and a little Moleskine purse okay there you go a little less little
latch on top he promised the freedom caucus two seats on the powerful house rules committee
guaranteed that one of the packs that he's associated with would stay neutral in all
future Republican primaries and he gave in on the one thing he said he would never give
in on allowing a single lawmaker to force a snap vote at any time to oust him from the
speakership wow that is a really weak position to take in what is essentially a job interview
uh my greatest strength uh probably that I'm so easy to fire [Applause] security
[Applause] [Laughter] [Applause] after these concessions McCarthy was feeling pretty helpful
that progress was being made incrementally toward his victory as he told reporters I
crawl before I walk I walk before I run oh that reminds me of the ancient riddle what
walks on four legs in the mornings two legs in the afternoon and is never going to be
Speaker of the House
riddled me this Oedipus
anyway Kevin shook off those first two days of losing three times came into the chamber
today with a pep in his step and lost four more times so far so far I why I don't understand
that but that's the most since like 1859 or something like that right it beat the 1923
nine times in a row okay why does he keep going I'm beginning to think losing floor
votes might be his kink he's getting off on this it's all in the new erotic Congressional
novel 50 Shades of Nay now why else that's upsetting
why else would Kevin McCarthy keep doing this other than to make me happy because I cannot
get enough of this I don't know how the rest of y'all feel but this is better than watching
him lose an election this is I mean come on it's better than watching him to lose an election
because you get to watch him lose three times a day for apparently eternity it's fantastic
and I know that these are not the feelings that the Lord wants me to have without anyone
I will grant you that and the Lord is free to stop me but until the Lord comes on a Cloud
of Glory and tells me personally not to feel happy about Kevin McCarthy getting repeatedly
nut punched every day is Christmas for Stevie because I'll tell you what I tell you why
okay here's because here's a guy and let me explain Lord here's a guy who right after
January 6 you will remember on the floor of the house that he wants to be the speaker
of said that the president bore responsibility for that unprecedented murderous attack on
the Capitol and then two weeks later he flies down to Mar-A-Lago to Kiss the Rain and I
don't mean
and I don't mean this one he knew what he was doing was wrong and he did it anyway for
his personal political power he made this calculation I could do the right thing or
I could be speaker and now he gets neither
ten times in a row 10 times so far so far if profit a man nothing to gain the world
but lose his soul assuming he had a soul to begin with anyway that's all I have to say
on the subject
okay I'll sell a little more
at this point he is offered to give away so much power that the speaker job itself has
no meaning so what does he actually want my guess and this is kind of true he's doing
it for legacy for his place in history because and this is a fact the House of Representatives
must acquire an oil portrait every speaker or in John Boehner's case a tasteful nude
maybe it looks good it looks really good now maybe Kevin's just desperate for that oil
portrait in the speaker's Lobby well to end this Log Jam to save democracy I have personally
commissioned an oil painting of Kevin McCarthy Bring It Out Boys
thank you gentlemen thank you
here's what we did here's what we did and we absolutely did this we went online to one
of those AI art generators and we typed in the key words that we kept finding in news
articles about this impasse Kevin McCarthy speaker of the house and chaos this is what
the AI generated loser
honest to God
I think I think I think this truly captures Kevin's gonna say yeah here's your portrait
Kevin we'll send this to you and you can hang it up in your office wherever that ends up
being I'm guessing the corner booth at Ruby Tuesdays after a couple of chocolate chip
cookie Skillets you'll forget all this happened and I do want to point out that based on this
computer-generated portrait when this is all over Steve Carell is going to win an Oscar
for playing Kevin McCarthy Steve
this is real this is real now as fun as this was uh for America to see and as fun as all
of this chaos is for America to have this is also terrible for America the House of
Representatives cannot begin its business until there is a speaker that means no one's
sworn in no one's being paid no law is being passed no money for office supplies it has
led the Washington Post to wonder does the house even exist right now that's that leads
to a fascinating philosophical question if Kevin McCarthy falls in the forest isn't it
fun to laugh at him
Republicans right you got to send that to him we're going to send that to Kev Republicans
are understandably trying to spend the inability to fulfill the most basic function of Congress
is kind of a good thing you described it as chaotic and you can say that but but I really
think this is democracy in action it's bad it's uncomfortable we don't like it and obviously
we want to get to business but it's democracy what looks chaotic and kind of seems counterproductive
to many it's actually in its own way refreshing yeah chaotic counterproductive and refreshing
that can only be the Great Taste of cluster Munch Cola get some Munch in your mouth cluster
Munch all this dysfunction is leaving house members with a lot of time to kill new members
of the house can't be sworn in until a speaker is picked which means all those families who
came to get a proud photo op have now been camping out for days it's gotten so bad that
California representative Jimmy Gomez had to make the Democratic cloak room a baby changing
station and and what gets cleaned up in there Nancy Pelosi is poo poo yes thank you thank
you madam speaker
oh man Gomez even tweeted this photo oh my God make the baby the speaker his resume is
just as real as George Santos but
dancing with that chicken dancing with that chicken dancing with that chicken
but the best had to be representative Troy Nels from Texas who was seen outside smoking
a cigar and when asked about it he said they're mild to moderate which is good because they
won't make you your pants
we fact checked that and that is good [Applause] of course of course it implies that he sometimes
chooses a brand of cigar that intentionally makes you crap your pants you know I've been
smoking mild all week but we're going on vacation now honey pack my crapping pants we got a
great show for you tonight my guests are Chris Wallace and the star of women talking Jesse
Buckley and when we come back meanwhile join us [Applause] [Music]