- Is that Archer? - Aw, damn it.
Archer, hey.
Go away.
You shot a machine gun at me.
Around you.
Oh, my god, I am surrounded by idiots.
Lana just broke Torvald's hand truck.
(ROBOTICALLY) Truck-a-saurus.
Bang.
Ew, kill.
Bang.
Because your authority is not recognized in Fort Kick-ass.
[FRUSTRATED GROAN]
Mother, please.
Please, do not make me do this.
KRIEGER: [GRUNTS]
[SURPRISED YELLING]
I love that you know how to do that.
[SOBBING]
Oh, my god.
I liked her better mean.
You slept with her, too.
When I was bored.
Look at me.
I am the perfect gentleman.
Lana, we're in crisis mode.
Mother's trying to sell us to ODIN.
I know.
As far as Archer is concerned, I actually
feel like I dodged the world's most dysfunctional bullet.
Did you say man crush?
No.
I'm pretty sure it was, shut up.
You saw mother's vagina?
Get me drunk enough, and I might have sex with you.
Really?
(LAUGHING) No.
I'm so obviously the best agent, duh.
How could she pick Lana over me?
You seem kind of different.
Yeah, did I mention I have cancer?
Shut up, and kick in the door for me.
And do it bad-ass, like I would.
I'm sure Pam is fine.
[GRUNTS]
OLD MAN: Oh, it's just great!
LANA: No, this is not at all great.
By the way, try not to be unconscious too long.
It's super bad for you.
OK.
I see what's happening here.
You're both jealous. - What?
What?
I'm going to be a pirate king.
Get that eye patch.
What are you, in pirate disguise?
Ray is dying.
Does that mean so must my dream?
Hey!
Shut up.
You're not my supervisor!
Begin clinical trial 14.
Are ya chicken?
No, I'm in a wheelchair.
Ow!
- He's got an erection. - Ugh.
- Shotgun. - Me, too.
Disgusting.
Whatever this is, I am not getting mixed up in it.
Too late.
Oh, please don't.
It would be rude not to eat her pie.
You're not nearly as stupid as you look.
OK.
Katya!
You're alive!
Well, on, technically.
You got to let me out, Pam.
They're fighting space pirates out there.
You don't look like a whore.
An idiot, maybe.
Here, I'll call after I solved this mystery, or whatever.
Oh, my god.
What if I'm gay for Tolkien?
Now, if you'll excuse me--
[THUD]
LANA (ON PHONE): It's going to sound
like I'm hanging up, but--
[DIAL TONE DRONES]
[DOOR BELL RINGS]
Hey.
How's it going? - Why?
Because I'm Black?
Or because I'm a woman?
Wha-- pick one! [PHONE RINGING]
Hey!
Get me a table, or the fish gets it.
What is wrong with you?
Archer, is what is wrong with me!
I meant, Mrs. Archer.
[LANA SHIVERS]
[DOG GRUNTS]
(LAUGHING) Lana, look.
He thinks he's people.
Pam.
Yes?
- Get off the Pope. - Go!
Wait.
What about Pam?
I'll buy you a new one!
Ow!
I need to brush Ray's tongue out of my mouth.
I didn't give you mouth to mouth.
Are you done?
(YELLING) Are you done?
Again, seriously asking.
Money is where, exactly?
Um, in your masturbators, you idiot.
Answer the goddamn telephone!
Now, there's your song.
What is on my finger, you ask?
I promise you, no one is asking that.
I need to remove my underwear with a blowtorch.
I was throwing Lana a baby shower.
We haven't done that yet?
Where the hell did it go?
ALL: Oh, you were serious?
Do something!
- Uh, no? - What?
Archer!
Zip it.
Wh-- what did I do?
Nothing!
Yeah, Lana.
What happened to no more anonymous sex?
It wasn't anonymous, Lana.
Nothing is ever good enough for you!
Right?
I need a woman's touch.
Oh!
Sterling Archer--
(WHIMPERING) Me, me.
--I'd like you to meet your daughter.
I think I could use a drink.
Ah!
As I was saying--
Goddamn it, Arthur.
I am not giving you a blowjob!
I believe the phrase you're searching
for is, thank you, Archer.
(SINGING SOFTLY) I am going to re-hit that.
What's that?
Will you quit yelling?
- Will you? - Yes!
Hey!
Remain calm.
[ARCHER YELLS]
PAM: Hey! - Pam.
KRIEGER: Ray! - Krieger!
ALL: Ray!
What?
Sorry that I hurt your feelings.
Well-- thanks.
Well, just in case I don't read this, what are the rest
of us going to be doing?
You're my smoochie boochie.
[ALL SHIVERING]
I'll have your hide as boots and the rest of you as a curry.
Go on, shoo!
This!
This is shocking!
No, that's just gross.
I don't believe that I, personally, even can die.
This is our first case, and we're going to crush it.
So listen up.
Get off your collective ass, and get
me a sit rep on my field agent.
And so do you have more bullets, or--
[GUNSHOTS]
No.
At least this time, you're not hooked up to a car battery.
How do you not have a gun?
Uh, doi.
ARCHER: Don't see what could possibly go wrong.
[GUNS COCKING]
We're just not telling the women about this?
- Why would we? - Uh--
Yeah.
Any questions, little Miss Blintzen?
(WEAKLY) Mm-mm.
Try to act like professionals.
Professional what?
[GASPING]
My god, it's happening.
Uh--
What?
Nothing.
[EXCITED GIGGLING]
Who is that?
I don't know.
They never came back from their smoke break.
Then they got arrested again.
Yeah, you're just the widdle whore for da cuddles, huh?
[PURRING]
Get out.
Because I'd be happy to, you know--
Who were they?
I don't know!
I'm a Treasury agent.
BOTH: What?
This damn thing's got a hair trigger!
That's what I was trying to tell you!
We got that charter.
That's tomorrow.
It is tomorrow.
Right, like this guy doesn't know what limp means.
Am I right, ladies?
That's a real catch-22.
Um, I don't think that's a thing yet.
Did you ask him about a date?
I asked them both.
No idol, no money, no fruit.
My electrolyte levels are low.
Ahem, gin levels.
(MIMICS GERMAN ACCENT) Soon, we will have a platoon
of Marines storm dropping.
After we get out of here--
You think we're going to live through this?
Happy?
I'm happier not.
Krieger, want to swap with me?
Yep, yep, yep.
Wait, what?
Do you want the bad news?
Or the what?
Uh--
What is with all the banging and the shouting?
[RAY GROANS]
We got to go.
Give me a minute.
Ow!
Buy a girl a drink first.
Do you see a blinking green light?
[BEEPING]
Please tell me you didn't try to have
sex with the ghost cube.
[DISGUSTED CHATTER]
He's going to need it.
Wait, why?
We became happier when you weren't arou--
crap.
It's a dry plane.
Shut up, Cyril.
That's not a thing.
We're relying on Pam and Krieger
to solve this death puzzle?
That's the compliment I never knew I wanted.
Can I call you Dad?
I can scream so loud my own ears bleed.
Watch. [INHALES]
No. Nope.
I'm going to the men's room real quick.
Don't do anything without me.
The rampage is a fierce, but delicate, art.
I agree with half of that.
(CHUCKLING) Oh, the shame.
Just sit in it.
You just spent all of our money.
Yeah, on memories that will last a lifetime.
If we could get back to the hostage situation
that's ongoing--
Wish I could.
This thing was going so--
--characteristically unwell? [THUD]
You never know when you'll need a guy in a coma,
but he always comes in handy.
Excuse me for waking up from a coma.
Excellent.
Well, I should prepare.
What the hell are you doing?
Uh, putting the ghost back in the meat suit?
You weren't supposed to set fire to the whole building.
No one said that!