Welcome back to my Dark Corner of this Sick World
'I wouldn't know what to do without you'
Queen of Outer Space is the best known of the 1950s sci-fi subgenre
of male astronauts turning up on a planet and finding...
'There's nothing but women'
In far off 1985 a team of astronauts take off to visit Deep Space 9
'A waystation in space'
and find it under attack
by someone who can't aim.
They run for it.
'Prepare for maximum acceleration'
If that's maximum acceleration it's just as well they get hit, blowing them way off course
'You don't just accidentally land on a planet 26 million miles away'
you wouldn't have thought so
'The gravity is close to earth's, the atmosphere should be breathable'
Yep, that's how gravity works, but now they are marooned here on Venus
'I can't stop thinking of Berger'
This would be great place for MacDonalds.
'This is utter nonsense'
But come morning they find themselves surrounded
'Bachano Bachano'
'You heard what the babe said'
The kindest thing you can say about Queen of Outer space is it's of its time.
'How can a doll as cute as that be such a pain in the neck?'
Although I'd like to think even the 50s were never quite this bad
'How'd you like to drag that to the senior prom'
It's the only way you'd get her there.
'How could a bunch of women invent a gizmo like that'
as opposed to a genius like you
'Sure and if they invented it, how could they aim it?
'You know how women drivers are?'
It would be nice if this was jumping off point to teach the men that women can invent things
but although most men on the planet have been killed
'Some of them she needed, scientists, mathematicians'
Stuff we couldn't possibly do ourselves.
'Sounds downright subversive'
And with this technology
'She boasts that weapons made by her scientists can destroy the earth'
But there is an obvious way to save earth
'She's a woman isn't she?'
The captain must seduce Venusian Queen Ileana
'There's a certain irony in the fact that our lives, perhaps the lives of everyone on earth
may depend on the Captain's sex appeal'
We're doomed, especially since
'Not your type?'
'I didn't realise'
I mean I want to save earth but you've got to draw the line somewhere.
'Once I was beautiful'
'Yes, I'm sure you were'
Sidebar: you may be wondering why all the Venusians speak English
'We have monitored your electric waves for many years'
Just American ones of course. Except for our chief scientist
'I'm Tallea, I'm a member of the Queen's court'
Who prefers Hungarian radio and is leader of a group of women who want to help the earth men
'Hiya dolls'
God knows why. She's also has fallen for the Captain and is not happy about the Queen's interest
'26 million miles from earth and the little dolls are just the same'
Oh, just let them die.
'Don't be a fool'
They escape and spend a cosy night in a cave
'Larry get some more wood!'
Already got it!
'It's a bad joke my boy'
After they are recaptured Tallea attempts to overthrow the Queen
'One move and I kill you'
'You're all through, you've had it.'
Let me take that for you honey you'll probably just shoot yourself in the foot.
But what now? Only the Queen can give the order that will save earth
'Disguised like that you can take us right to the machine'
Is no one else spotting the flaw in this plan
'Get out, I didn't send for you.'
Does our Queen sound more Hungarian than normal today?
'Whatever gave you that idea?'
So we're back where we started
'One touch of a tiny red button'
Which one is the red one
Now unusually, this film's attitudes aren't just dated, they actually have a detrimental effect on the plot
'And now the brave men who helped us regain our freedom and our happiness'
Remind me what they did?
'No comments?'
There's already a resistance movement when the men arrive,
they sacrifice their lives to get the men out of prison
they sabotage the death ray
which kills the Queen
they take out the Queen's soldiers
The men do nothing. All they've done to be worthy of this gratitude is stand around having a penis,
which apparently gives the girls something to fight for
'Women can't be happy without man.'
'You're so right baby.'
And their reward is to be marooned on Venus another year
'A year?'
Still the film has important lesson for the women of earth
'On earth a girl would rather die than show her true feelings'
Give it up a bit easier or we'll trade you out for someone who will.
'I should know.'
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So long Honey don't do anything I wouldn't do.