In some good news...
I know we don't get to say that much,
but in some good news, we've just learned
that all 45 people in a major vaccine trial
successfully developed antibodies.
The only bad news is that a vaccine isn't coming
until next year at the earliest.
And in the meantime,
America just set another new record
for daily coronavirus cases.
So, congratulations to those 45 people.
I mean, not only do you have antibodies,
you're probably gonna inherit the Earth,
so have fun repopulating.
And if you get hungry,
there's a can of Goya beans in the White House.
Now, until there's a vaccine, the one thing everyone must do
is wear a mask when they go out in public.
In fact, the CDC director said yesterday
that America could get coronavirus under control
in four to eight weeks
if everyone just wore masks.
But instead, people are doing shit like this.
REPORTER: Some Americans openly rebelling
against basic COVID-19 messaging.
In Jacksonville, Florida, this rally to support
a local lawmaker who filed a lawsuit Monday
against a recently mandated mask policy.
REPORTER 2: New video of an outdoor dance party
in Philadelphia showing people packing the streets
despite coronavirus restrictions.
REPORTER 3: There was a deejay, there was music
but little social distancing and few face masks.
REPORTER 4: A restaurant in Florida is offering free food
to guests who aren't wearing face masks.
The grilled cheese bar said it was not demanding face masks.
The first 100 people to enter without a mask
receives a free meal.
Oh, boy. That's a cool promotion.
Free dinner for you and a free buffet for coronavirus.
I can't think of anything less worth dying for
than a grilled cheese.
That is the one thing everyone can make at home.
If you're gonna make people risk their lives,
at least throw a poached egg on there or something.
Those are hard to make, 'cause sometimes the thing on the thing
and then it, like, floats and then it's not-- then it's just--
then I just have made boiled eggs and people are like,
"Where's the shell?" I'm like, "I-I do it my way."
And if it makes you angry that people in the street
are ignoring the CDC, well, it gets worse.
Because now the White House itself
is cutting the health agency out of the loop.
REPORTER: The CDC will no longer control coronavirus numbers.
The Trump administration is asking hospitals
to bypass the agency and send daily reports directly
to a new system set up by the administration themselves.
Four former CDC directors penned a Washington Post op-ed
slamming the decision.
They say it's a political move,
at a time when the White House just wants to reopen schools.
What a fantastic idea.
Instead of having the CDC count COVID cases,
we can hand it over to this guy.
1.87 million tests today,
so that's one million 870 thousand-million tests.
(chuckles) Oh, man.
That is the one one-hundredth time I've watched that clip,
and it never stops being funny.
But I guess this is the blessing of the Trump presidency.
You learn so much about how the government works
based on what he screws up.
Everyone's out there like, "Huh,
"I didn't know that hospitals sent daily reports to the CDC.
But now that they're not, I'm furious about it!"
Now, one of the reasons that Trump is turning on everyone
from the CDC to Dr. Fauci is because they're against his plan
to reopen schools at any cost.
And that's what he wants to do.
He wants schools open.
Probably because he thinks
it'll finally get Eric out of the house.
But despite Trump's pressure,
the experts are warning over and over again
that reopening schools without containing the virus
could lead to dire consequences,
and that's why some teachers are now preparing for the worst.
REPORTER: The decision on whether to reopen
Texas schools intensifies.
Teachers are writing open letters,
expressing their concerns and frustrations.
On social media, educators are going as far
as writing their wills,
citing what they call America's decision
to prioritize money over people.
In addition, one teacher said
she's establishing her medical power of attorney
and taking on extra life insurance.
Man. If teachers in America
didn't already feel undervalued and disrespected,
now they are being forced
to literally put their lives on the line
while a pandemic is still raging.
Being a teacher is already hard enough.
The classes are too big.
You got to spend your own money on supplies.
And if you do a really good job,
what do you get as a thank you?
A kid brings you an apple.
That's not a good gift, Billy, you little shit.
They're a dollar a pound.
You just put your dirty-ass booger hands all over it.
I mean, if I were a teacher in this situation,
I would just start suspending students
for whatever reason I could,
just to get them out of the room.
Chewing gum? Suspended.
Got a question wrong in class? Suspended.
I mean, I love kids, but I'm not dying
for someone who doesn't know two plus two.
So coronavirus has teachers all over America
more worried than ever before.
But at least many of their students
are finding ways to make the most of this disaster.
"The Pulse" begins with teens taking advantage
of wearing a face mask.
Get this-- a new viral trend on social media
has them using face coverings to help them buy alcohol.
Video show teens dressing as elderly people
and using face masks to help conceal their identity.
They're seen successfully and illegally buying booze
and celebrating their success.
Some of the videos have been watched
more than 2 million times.
REPORTER: You're dressing up like Grandma,
but what would Grandma say about what you're doing?
Eh, I think Grandma would be happy
that at least someone is wearing a mask.
But, kids, please remember--
this is a very dangerous game that you are playing.
All right? Because if your disguise is good enough
to trick the liquor store guy into thinking that you're old,
it might also be good enough to trick coronavirus, too.
And then you're screwed.
So, that's the latest on America's coronavirus journey.
People aren't wearing masks.
Teachers are fearing for their lives.
And it looks like Trump might try to fudge
the coronavirus numbers.
So, uh, kids,
please save some of that alcohol,
because, uh, we're all gonna need it.