- I'm in L.A but before this I was living in New York.
Yeah, lots of New Yorkers here.
He lives in Manhattan, I can tell.
Kill him, no.
In New York, I feel like when I first move to New York,
my family was so impressed they were like,
"Oh my God, how do you like the big apple?
Are you taking a bite out of it?"
And I was like, "I love it!" (laughing)
But I really hated it for a long time, so long.
Just as like teenagers, rats, my biggest fears everywhere.
Everywhere. (laughing)
I was on a subway once
and there's two groups of teenagers got on
and they were engaged
and it's like really heated back and forth
and it was like a lot of people,
it's really crowded and everybody was scared
that it's going to get physical
but no one was more scared than me,
'cause I look like one of these kids.
I'm in my 30s, this is my face.
I'm a book bag away from someone going,
"Hey, it's that bitch from Emerson Middle, get her"
(laughing)
These kids are wild.
They've seen too much.
But I'm not telling these stories to my immigrant family,
I'm just making things up, stealing other people's story,
"Oh! We saw "The Nanny" in Time Square!"
and I have only seen one episode of that show.
(laughing)
My ex-boyfriend, it was his favorite show.
He's white but you knew
that when I said "The Nanny" was his favorite show.
(laughing)
Also want any other people of color in the room
to know that I started that relationship in the Obama Era,
I will never to that now, come on.
Two Muslim bans, get the fuck away from me.
(laughing)
No thank you.
It was a different time,
it was post, post, post, post racial
Try out a white man, try out hot yoga, it was crazy.
We've all learned, we've learned a lot.
(laughing)
Towards the end, Black Panther came out, I felt like
"This is a lot pressure to me"
It felt like a sign, when we went,
I went with two of my other friends that are black and him
and in the end I was doing that Social Media thing
and taking the picture, you know with the 'Wakanda Pose'
in front of the movie poster and I was like
Oh God, what would he do? (mumbling)
please don't do it And he was like
(laughing)
He's a good person, I still crop the shit out of
that picture but, I send him one, just for you,
no one else, no one else.
Now my boyfriend is black, we love each other,
we love Martin, seasonings, Meryl Streep.
It's very black.
(laughing)
But I'm Rwandan, I moved here in late 80s with my family
but my mom moved here and she was already in her late 20s,
early 30s.
She's been through a lot racism, xenophobia,
she was pregnant with my siblings when we came,
but she's endured all that which is so much strength
and grace but she raised me in the west
and weekly I'll call her and I'm like
Mom, I wake up sad this morning and I don't know why?
(moaning) It's gross.
How dare I?
But, she's so supportive, she's a great mom,
a devoted catholic, she's always like
"Oh no! Have you prayed?"
(laughing)
I'm always like "I'm agnostic so maybe"
(laughing)
She fucking hates that joke.
(laughing)
But you know who does love it?
God.
(laughing)
And I know that cause I'm not dead yet.
I don't swear by the bible for the pilgrims out there,
but if God doesn't like you, you fucking know.
Old Testament, is that cotton and wool, you're dead.
That's how it goes.
But I went to a psychiatrist and for those who feel like
"I'm happy, what's that?"
It's like shut the fuck up.
No you go to a person,
you tell them all the deep dark secrets
you can't tell your friends, they throw pills at you
and some days you feel alright.
It's pretty tight, would recommend, if you can get there,
Out of your bed, out the house.
But first question he asked me, pretty early,
he was like "Do you have a boyfriend, girlfriend,
in a relationship?" I was like "Yeah!"
And he's like "Do you love him?" (chuckling)
what did he say, I'ma say it first (laughing)
He didn't think that was amusing.
So (murmur) I'll take him back.
He's like "That's a little inappropriate given the setting"
And I was like "But doctor, all the worlds will (murmur),
Okay inappropriate, Yep"
And he was like "Do you do drugs?"
and I was like (laughing)
"It's inappropriate I'm getting this."
Yep, yep, yep, yep, I paid a lot of money.
Towards the end though, he got really serious.
We were having a good time and then he was like
"Do You suffer from suicidal thoughts?"
and I was like "Yeah like honestly,
that's a big part of why I came.
I have those thoughts but whenever I think about
what It would do to my friends and family,
it makes it something that's impossible to go through with."
And this man looked at me and then looked at his note pad
and he was like (chuckling) "Not if you're determined."
(laughing)
What?
(laughing)
"Now I'm going to kill myself so fucking bad!"