Hey, guys! Happy Diwali.
I just want to wish everybody a great, happy Diwali.
Because, I love this festival.
People buy new clothes.
They make nice Diwali snacks.
They talk to people they don't like talking to.
All your relatives who you don't… Okay.
It's a nice festival. Just one problem.
People still bursting crackers.
How many reasons do I have to give you,
other thank logic.
It cause pollution. Everybody knows that.
It causes noise pollution. Everybody knows that.
It harms animals. Street dogs. Cats. Cows.
Water buffaloes.
Mosquitoes.
Do you the mosquitoes, after Diwali, don't show up in your city for two days.
Have you noticed that?
That Diwali is done. For two days there are no mosquitoes.
Can you imagine? A mosquito. An insect that everybody hates.
Scum of the earth.
It causes horrible diseases
like Dengue and Malaria killing thousands of people.
That insect, after Diwali, is like, 'Whoa!'
There is way too much pollution.
I am going to stay away for two days.
That's how bad it is.
This Diwali, let's try to focus on the real reason Diwali is celebrated.
It's to celebrate togetherness. Happiness.
And not burst that 10,000 garland chilli thing,
that bursts for so long.
That it takes two millenniums to finish.
And causes an ice age.
Anyway, that didn't happen.
But, my point is.
Let's have a fun Diwali.
And recently in my stand up show,
I asked people about their worst cracker bursting experience.
It was fun.
So, here is a clip about that bit.
Hope you guys like it.
It doesn't fit into any of my usual stand up stuff.
But, I was like, why not?
This Diwali, let me give you a gift.
Five minutes stand up clip.
Hopefully, you will like it.
I love crackers.
Used to love crackers.
Two things happened that destroyed…
Anyone who has like, played God with crackers and really repented it?
Like, regretted it? Yeah?
What did you do?
I burnt my hand.
You burnt your hand? What did you burn it with?
Don't say, 'Uh, that shiny thing.'
What was it?
The String bomb. - I don't know what it is called here.
The string bomb. - The string bomb.
The hydrogen bomb?
The green coloured bomb. -The green coloured bomb.
They are not the chilli like ones? -No.
Oh, okay. I'm sorry. She's like, 'No!'
That's for pussies, bro.
Okay.
You are hard core.
Who else? Who else? Whoa!
Yeah? You?
All the ladies do… What are the guys doing?
The guys are like, 'Bro, one time I took a nuclear weapon...'
I don't want to talk about it.
Russia called me the next day.
Yeah? What did you do?
So, I basically took the fountain and lit it with the oil lamp on my doorstep.
Then, what happened? I really want to know.
You took the fountain.
And, you lit it with an oil lamp.
Okay. You are dumb, like me. Awesome. Great.
Obviously. You light stuff with an oil lamp.
Of course.
It is tough to light an oil lamp itself.
And you are using that to light other shit.
You are using it to light crackers.
Amazing. Then, what happened?
Then, what happened?
Then, half of my clothes got burnt and my parents had to pick me up.
Half of your clothes got burnt… - I was five.
Oh, you were five. It's okay.
That…in the end she's like…
Uh... I was five.
I was…
Anyone else? Anyone else do shit. Yeah? You?
I had a flower pot in my hand.
The same flower pot thing? Yeah... yeah. And…
Oh. - And…my friend was lighting it.
Your friend was… Actually, it was supposed to be like a fountain.
Fountain, yeah?
It burst in my hand. It burst in your hand?
Yes. So, you held a flower pot in your hand?
And…By the way, if it went according to plan,
that would have also destroyed your face.
So, you held the flower pot. Instead of going up and throwing sparks on you,
it exploded.
I think you got the better deal, actually.
'Coz, it would have ended.
In two seconds.
Instead of aaah… But, so beautiful.
Awesome.
That's great.
Wow. My story sounds damn lame compared to this.
So, two things happened.
First one was very scary.
In the fifth standard, I really wanted to burst crackers.
And, my dad was like, you know what…
There's a person outside bursting crackers. Do you want to burst with them?
Sure. Awesome.
I went down and…there were rockets.
Okay. I love rockets.
Okay?
No story ends happily when you say 'rockets'. Okay?
So, rockets. Awesome.
And we get the rocket…I'm like, 'Hey, there's no bottle to put the rocket in.'
And then, I'm like, 'No problem. I will use a Parachute…'
Parachute coconut oil bottle.
It's this small.
It's this…
It was four times smaller than my rocket. Okay?
I should've… I should've done math properly. Okay.
So, this is the Parachute bottle.
The rocket is this big.
Nothing can go wrong.
I put it… and then lit…
I hate Parachute oil till now, okay. Because of that.
I lit it and then I ran. I'm like…
It fell. It flew right here.
And I was like, 'Let me check.'
If I don't look back, the rocket won't go up.
I turned…Boom! It exploded here.
Oh! - Yup.
I couldn't see for two weeks.
And I got like glasses prescribed.
Yeah.
I know. No happy ending, no? Yeah.
Second story.
This is when I was older and wiser.
Which is worse.
Okay?.
Because…when I was small I can justify it.
So, what happens is… I was in fifth grade, that rocket thing happened.
This was in…I think…12th grade, okay. 12th grade.
And the thing is, I was around younger guys.
So, automatically my IQ also went down.
'Coz, I'm like, see in school no one respects me.
Let me make these small boys respect me.
They were like doing some hydrogen bomb. I'm like…
Hey, why are you bursting the crackers on the ground?
Put it on your hands.
Not one. Two hydrogen bombs.
So, I put two hydrogen bombs on my hand.
Okay?
Now, can anyone see the logic fail in this?
No.
The problem is, I didn't realize that if I light one…
The other one…
Yeah. I don't know if I will have time to react to the other one.
But, the…amazing thing happened. I didn't react to both.
So, I put both in my hands.
Someone lit both.
The first one explodes in my hand.
And I'm like…the call of duty like…
Saving Private Ryan.
And the second one exploded again.
And my hands are on fire.
And then I go to the neighbouring aunty's…
'Coz we were bursting next to her house. Yeah.
I go to her. I put water and you know what she does?
She scolds me!
I'm like, I know what I did was wrong.
She's like, why did you burst?
Hey, I didn't know. Yeah?
Where were you when I came up with this idea?
Yeah.
So, don't.
I'm saying don't do this.
So, if you see some of your friends bursting crackers.
You can't use logic… See, they are already bursting crackers.
So, they are already insane. Okay?
So, just slap them in the face and run away.
And keep making them chase you.
Do cardio for one week before that.
And when they get tired, you stop.
Slap them again. Do that the whole night.
If each one of you dedicate one person, we can stop this pollution.
Yeah?
Guys, come to me. I have solutions for everything.
If you liked that video, please guys, like, share and subscribe.
I know it's weird to tell you this.
Just like how it's weird to tell people to wear helmets and not burst crackers.
Please subscribe.
It's my livelihood.
I have to tell people I have these many subscribers.
Whoa!
I'm like I have this…less subscribers. They're like...
Subscribe.
Yeah, okay. Cool.