WELCOME, ONE AND ALL, TO "THE LATE SHOW."
I'M YOUR SHOWS STEPHEN COLBERT.
YOU KNOW, MOST NIGHTS I COME OUT HERE AND MAKE JOKES ABOUT THE
NEWS FROM WASHINGTON.
WELL, TONIGHT, THE NEWS FROM WASHINGTON IS ABOUT JOKES --
WHO CAN TELL THEM AND WHO CAN TAKE THEM.
TELLING THEM AT SATURDAY'S WHITE HOUSE CORRESPONDENTS' CIRCLE OF
JERKS WAS COMEDIAN MICHELLE WOLF.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) FROM THE SOUND OF THAT, NONE OF
YOU ATTENDED.
( LAUGHTER ) SHE DIDN'T PULL ANY PUNCHES, AND
SOME PEOPLE WERE OFFENDED BY WHAT SHE HAD TO SAY.
PRESUMABLY, THOSE PEOPLE HAVE BEEN IN A COMA FOR THE PAST
TWO-AND-A-HALF YEARS.
( LAUGHTER ) "THEY JUST REVIVED ME AT 8:58
P.M. ON SATURDAY NIGHT.
WHO IS THIS VULGAR WOMAN?
PRESIDENT HILLARY CLINTON MUST BE SO OFFENDED."
( LAUGHTER ) AND AT THIS EVENT ROASTING THE
ADMINISTRATION AND THE MEDIA, Y'KNOW WHO GOT MAD?
THE ADMINISTRATION AND THE MEDIA.
( LAUGHTER ) LIKE THE BELTWAY INSIDERS AT
AXIOS WHO WROTE THAT WOLF USED A VULGARITY THAT BEGINS WITH "P."
OOO, VULGAR AND BEGINS WITH A "P"-- WHAT COULD IT BE?
PRESIDENT?
NO.
( PIANO RIFF ) ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
WHAT COULD IT BE?
THINK THINK THINK THINK!
IS IT -- IS IT -- IS IT -- PEE-PEE TAPE?
( LAUGHTER ) NO.
OH, I KNOW -- IS IT -- PA-GINA?
( LAUGHTER ) WE'LL NEVER KNOW.
BUT THE THING THAT PEOPLE ARE PRETENDING TO BE MOST UPSET
ABOUT IS WHAT MICHELLE WOLF SAID ABOUT SARAH HUCKA-SANDERS.
>> I ACTUALLY REALLY LIKE SARAH.
I THINK SHE'S VERY RESOURCEFUL.
LIKE, SHE BURNS FACTS, AND THEN SHE USES THE ASH TO CREATE A
PERFECT SMOKY EYE.
LIKE, MAYBE SHE'S BORN WITH IT; MAYBE IT'S LIES.
( LAUGHTER ) ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
>> Stephen: I DON'T KNOW.
I DON'T KNOW.
I DON'T KNOW, CAN WE SEE A PICTURE OF HER SMOKY EYE?
MAYBE SHE "WAS" BORN WITH IT.
CAN WE SEE HER DAD?
YUP, IT'S GENETICS.
NO, DEFINITELY BORN WITH IT.
( LAUGHTER ) BUT MAYBE THE MOST SURPRISING
REACTION WAS FROM THE WHITE HOUSE CORRESPONDENTS'
ASSOCIATION THEMSELVES.
THEY'RE THE ONES WHO HIRED WOLF, BUT, AFTER THE DINNER, THEY
RELEASED A STATEMENT BY PUTTING IT ON THE FRONT OF A BUS AND
DRIVING OVER WOLF, SAYING, "LAST NIGHT'S PROGRAM WAS MEANT TO
OFFER A UNIFYING MESSAGE ABOUT OUR COMMON COMMITMENT TO A
VIGOROUS AND FREE PRESS.
UNFORTUNATELY, THE ENTERTAINER'S MONOLOGUE WAS NOT IN THE SPIRIT
OF THAT MISSION."
LOOK, YOU DIDN'T LIKE IT?
YOU HAVE THAT RIGHT.
DON'T INVITE HER BACK AGAIN.
BUT GROW A PAIR.
( LAUGHTER ) ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
THIS -- WHATEVER YOU WANT, A PAIR OF WHATEVER YOU WANT.
THIS WAS A ROAST, AND YOU'RE THE ONES WHO HIRED MICHELLE WOLF.
BEING MAD AT HER FOR DOING HER JOB IS LIKE ACCUSING THE VALET
OF BRIEFLY STEALING YOUR CAR.
( LAUGHTER ) AND DON'T ACT LIKE YOU'RE
SURPRISED.
I THOUGHT NEWS PEOPLE DID RESEARCH.
BUT YOU'RE TELLING ME YOU COULDN'T SPEND 90 SECONDS ON
YOUTUBE TO FIND OUT WHAT HER ACT WAS LIKE?
( LAUGHTER ) AS A GREAT MAN ONCE SAID, "FAKE
NEWS."
( LAUGHTER ) ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
THE PRESS, THEY KNEW WHAT MICHELLE WAS LIKE.
THE PRESS, THEY LIE LIE LIE.
( LAUGHTER ) NOW A LOT OF PEOPLE ARE SAYING,
"STEPHEN, WHAT DO YOU THINK ABOUT ALL OF THIS?
YOU HOSTED THE CORRESPONDENTS' DINNER."
AND I HAVE TO CORRECT THEM -- STEPHEN COLBERT NEVER HOSTED THE
DINNER.
THAT WAS MY CHARACTER, "STEPHEN COLBERT."
( LAUGHTER ) SO, I CAN'T CLAIM TO BE AN
EXPERT.
BUT I CAN!
( LAUGHTER ) ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
( PIANO RIFF ) ALL RIGHT!
WHOO!
JIM, LET'S PUMP IT DOWN THE TRUTHHOLE.
GOOD TO SEE YOU, NATION.
IT'S BEEN A WHILE -- I'VE BEEN BUSY COLLABORATING WITH KANYE
WEST ON A NEW ALBUM OF REPUBLICAN HIP-HOP.
( LAUGHTER ) IT'S CALLED "MY BEAUTIFUL DARK
TWISTED REALITY."
I WANT TO CONGRATULATE MICHELLE WOLF FOR BEING SO LUCKY TO HAVE
"ME" TO STEVE-SPLAIN EVERYTHING SHE DID WRONG.
( LAUGHTER ) FIRST, LET'S ADDRESS YOUR POTTY
MOUTH.
WHAT THE (BLEEP) IS UP WITH THAT?
( APPLAUSE ) THIS IS THE CORRESPONDENTS'
DINNER, CELEBRATING THE FREEDOM OF SPEECH.
YOU CAN'T JUST SAY WHATEVER YOU WANT!
( LAUGHTER ) YOU DON'T GO TO A FUNERAL AND
SAY WHAT YOU ACTUALLY THOUGHT OF THE PERSON.
AND WHAT IS THE ANNUAL CORRESPONDENTS' DINNER BUT A
FUNERAL FOR THE INDEPENDENT PRESS?
AND HOW DARE YOU BESMIRCH THE OKAY NAME OF SARAH
HUCKABEE-SANDERS?
( LAUGHTER ) AND I'M SO PROUD THAT THE PRESS
IS DEFENDING HER, DESPITE THE FACT HER BOSS JOKED ABOUT
THROWING REPORTERS IN JAIL.
THAT'S COMEDY THE PRESS LIKES.
MORE JOKES LIKE THAT, MICHELLE.
( LAUGHTER ) WELL, I HOPE YOU REALIZE THAT NO
ONE'S EVER GOING TO FORGET ABOUT THE SPEECH ON SATURDAY NIGHT,
AND THEY WILL NEVER GET THAT YOU HAVE A NEW NETFLIX SHOW.
CONGRATULATIONS.
GOOD LUCK WITH THAT.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) IS HE GONE?
DID HE SAY ANYTHING ABOUT ME?
(WHISPERING) I THINK HE'S GAINED SOME WEIGHT...
( LAUGHTER ) THE PRESIDENT SKIPPED THE DINNER
AGAIN THIS YEAR, INSTEAD HOLDING A RALLY IN WASHINGTON, MICHIGAN.
AND HE DIDN'T MISS A CHANCE TO HIGHLIGHT HIS BIGGEST
ACHIEVEMENT SINCE WINNING THE ELECTION -- WINNING THE
ELECTION.
>> I REMEMBER THAT NIGHT, YOU KNOW, IT HAS BEEN A LONG TIME
SINCE THE REPUBLICANS WON MICHIGAN.
AND THEY SAID, DONALD TRUMP HAS WON THE STATE OF MICHIGAN.
REMEMBER THAT?
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) >> STEPHEN: AT THIS POINT, HE'S
BECOMING YOUR FRIEND'S DAD WHO KEEPS GETTING DRUNK AND TELLING
YOU ABOUT HOW HE LED HIS HIGH SCHOOL FOOTBALL TEAM TO STATE.
( LAUGHTER ) YES, YES.
YEP, I'LL TELL YA.
I'LL TELL YA, BOYS.
I TELL YA, RIGHT THERE.
AND THEN I JUST DOVE OVER THE GOAL LINE AND WE WENT TO STATE.
"I COULD'VE GONE PRO, TOO!
BUT NO, I HAD TO HAVE HIM INSTEAD."
( LAUGHTER ) GO GET DADDY ANOTHER BEER.
( LAUGHTER ) ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
( PIANO RIFF ) THEN TRUMP TURNED TO THE PEACE
NEGOTIATIONS BETWEEN NORTH AND SOUTH KOREA THIS WEEKEND.
AND TRUMP GENEROUSLY SHARED THE CREDIT WITH HIMSELF.
>> NORTH KOREA, AND A LOT OF GOOD THINGS ARE HAPPENING THERE.
A LOT OF GOOD THINGS.
NOW THEY WERE SAYING, WHAT DO YOU THINK PRESIDENT TRUMP HAD TO
DO WITH IT?
I'LL TELL YOU WHAT-- LIKE, HOW ABOUT EVERYTHING?
( LAUGHTER ) >> STEPHEN: MAN, WHAT IS WRONG
WITH THAT GUY?
( LAUGHTER ) HOW ABOUT EVERYTHING.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) ( PIANO RIFF )
IN FACT, SOME PEOPLE THINK HE'S PLAYED SUCH A BIG PART IN
BRINGING THE TWO KOREAS TOGETHER THAT "THE CAMPAIGN FOR DONALD
TRUMP'S NOBEL PEACE PRIZE HAS BEGUN."
( LAUGHTER ) WHICH IS NOT OUT OF THE
QUESTION.
I MEAN, GIVE THE MAN CREDIT.
HE WAS ABLE TO GO TOE-TO-TOE WITH A NUCLEAR MADMAN.
NOW IF HE COULD ONLY HANDLE BEING IN THE SAME ROOM AS A
COMEDIAN.
( APPLAUSE ) TRUMP ALSO TWEETED ABOUT
POTENTIAL LOCATIONS FOR HIS SUMMIT WITH NORTH KOREAN LEADER
KIM JONG-UN.
"NUMEROUS COUNTRIES ARE BEING CONSIDERED FOR THE MEETING, BUT
WOULD PEACE HOUSE/FREEDOM HOUSE, ON THE BORDER OF NORTH AND SOUTH
KOREA, BE A MORE REPRESENTATIVE, IMPORTANT AND LASTING SITE THAN
A THIRD-PARTY COUNTRY?
JUST ASKING!
( LAUGHTER ) >> STEPHEN: YES, TRUMP'S
DECIDING WHERE TO HOLD THE SUMMIT THE SAME WAY WE PICK
"AMERICAN IDOL."
WHAT'S NEXT?
"WHERE SHOULD I POSITION OUR NUCLEAR SUBMARINES?
TEXT 'KABOOM' TO 4-9-3-5 AND MAKE THE CALL."
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) KABOOM.