Happy Birthday to you...
Welcome back to my Dark Corner of this Sick World.
‘Surprise’
What’s it like watching Samurai Cop?
‘I feel like someone stuck a club in my ass and it hurts’
'And it hurts'
Despite being shot in the 90s this is the ultimate 80s movie.
‘I’m a cop’
With the bad guy mullets to prove it.
'Go watch the other door.'
But it will always be famous for one thing.
Never mind the changing location, you may have noticed a slight alteration in his hair,
That’s because lead actor Matt Hannon, thought shooting was over, got a haircut
and then discovered they still had really, quite a lot left to shoot.
‘You know what the results are?’
The closest wig they could find was a woman’s, in which it’s quite hard to look cool.
How did they expect to get away with this?
Did they really imagine no one would notice.
‘Idiots!’
If that was all, then we would piss ourselves laughing and move on, but there’s this...
‘I like cops’
and this
‘He’ll burn my ass’
‘You don’t have to worry, it’s already…’
'Yeah I know, it's already black huh?'
There’s the badly mimed fight scenes.
and the world’s worst assassin.
Okay, there’s 2 cops hiding behind the car.
xHow can you miss with a machine gun, that’s like missing with...
and, given how useless the bad guys are, the cops seem a bit overkill.
'Freeze you mutha...'
But most impressive, is that the writer’s knowledge of how women talk and act
seems to have come exclusively from porn.
‘Would you like to fck me?’
Samurai is irresistible to women.
'OK, keep it up.'
‘Oh it’s up and ready, you just keep it warm’
‘It’s warm and ready’
He sleeps with his colleague. Then...
‘So I’m lying there in bed with probably the most beautiful woman I’ve ever met in my life’
‘hey!’
She’s right there.
‘I’m just kidding, you know you’re number one’
Then in the next scene.
'Do you like what you see?'
‘I love what I see’
‘Would you like to touch what you see?’
'Yes, Yes i would.'
And if that seems too subtle...
‘Have you been circumcised?’
These are excerpts from a two and half minute long conversation about his penis.
‘It’s big’
‘I want bigger’
And if you’re now feeling sorry for the first girl...
‘You and I got nothing to do, let’s fck’
But then Samurai falls in love whilst being casually racist.
‘What’s an all-american girl like you doing with a geek like this?’
She shoots him down.
‘Alright, Sunday, Sunday it is’
‘Sunday I go to church’
So he picks her up after church,
and takes her back to his place.
Thank God she wore her bikini to church.
Although it’s possible she just borrowed one of his thongs.
‘Seems like you went to a lot of trouble’
And while he’s doing her, the first girl is being tortured because of him.
‘Now you tell me where he is, I want his address now!’
Although the bad guys are partly to blame as, they seem to have the addresses of every other cop on the force,
they couldn’t be bothered to crack open the yellow pages to look him up.
‘Everything you did was wrong’
Had they done so they’d have found this struggling blue collar cop has a beach front house,
with a swimming pool.
Never mind the Japanese Mafia, investigate the hero, he’s clearly on the take!
‘Now you’re talking’
The fact that he’s responsible for the deaths and maimings of his colleagues is never mentioned.
Instead we go straight for storming the bad guys headquarters, which has the nicest curtains.
and the final sword fight.
This would be a lot more tense if he didn’t have a mate with a gun watching.
What we’re out of time? I had more!
No way, people are going to notice.
What movies have you Seen in which there's a Worse continuity error Than An appearing and disappearing Wig?
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'You son of a bitch come back here!'