-Thank you very much. Welcome, everybody.
Welcome, welcome, welcome to "The Tonight Show."
Here we go!
[ Cheers and applause ]
Let's get to the news and jokes.
Well, guys, this morning at the White House,
Vice President Mike Pence did something helpful.
He received Pfizer's COVID vaccine on live TV.
Watch this.
[ Camera shutters clicking ]
Yeah, Pence rolled up his sleeve and was like,
"Sorry for the nudity."
[ Laughter ]
Something about that felt exactly like
the Tin Man getting oil, right?
Like -- [Muffled] "Oil can. Oil."
He didn't flinch.
I mean, it's a needle going in your arm.
You can have some reaction, right?
Oh, whatever.
[Muffled] "Vaccine, vaccine."
You're not gonna believe this, but just cleaning his arm
with alcohol got Pence completely wasted.
[Slurring] "Mother, I am in the mood for relations."
[ Laughter ]
♪♪
"Two sleeves up."
Seeing Pence's bare arm
is like seeing your teacher outside of school.
You know it exists, but it's just weird to see.
It's like --
Can we look at his arm again?
Gosh, he's pale.
He's so pale, Trump watched and was like,
"I stared directly at the eclipse,
and even I can't look at that. That's very pale."
Well, after Pence received the vaccine,
he told reporters that he didn't feel a thing
and was happy to step forward
and set an example for the country.
Yeah, Pence tried to do a good thing,
but I am not sure he's gonna love these headlines.
Like this one that says, "Pence Penetrated Live."
[ Laughter ]
Or this one,
"Pence Is All About That V."
Is it --
[ Laughter ]
Or maybe this one,
"Pence Shows Off Prick." I mean, it's just --
He's trying to do a good thing, and these...
[ Applause ]
Well, speaking of vaccines, I saw that Uber is offering
10 million free or discounted rides
to people who want to get the COVID vaccination.
Yeah, you know passengers will be like,
"Yeah, the, uh, Hooters on Route 2.
That's -- That's where I'm getting the, uh...
vaccination.
Can you pick me up in, like, three hours after the game?
I mean, after the vaccination?"
Meanwhile, not to be outdone, Lyft is letting customers
keep whatever used Band-Aids and needles
they find in the backseat.
[ Laughter ]
What? Oh, man.
Well, guys, every day this week, we've found out about another
major government agency that's been hacked by Russia,
but this latest one might be the worst yet.
-We're now learning more about the scope
of the vast cyber attack.
The Department of Energy
and its National Nuclear Security Administration,
which maintains our nuclear stockpile, was also breached.
-Yeah, Russia hacked our election,
they hacked our vaccine research.
Now they hacked our nukes.
I kind of feel bad for Putin.
He's probably sitting there like,
[Russian accent] "Now what?
Uh, I guess make my own sourdough?
Is that still a thing?"
"Is this thing on?
[ Laughter ]
What else is going on in the news?
Anyone here from out of town?"
[ Laughter ]
Don't worry. Trump is taking action, though.
Today he ordered everyone in the Pentagon
to fit their computers with a ring doorbell.
[ Delayed laughter ]
Yeah, it was funny when we wrote it.
[ Laughter ]
But Trump is getting into this.
Trump is furious with Putin, and it's being reported that
he's spending 18 hours a day
considering all forms of retaliation to make sure
this kind of act is never carried out again.
I'm sorry. Hang on. Sorry. Slight correction.
Trump is currently considering a reboot of "The Apprentice."
[ Laughter ]
That's real. Trump --
A reboot of "The Apprentice," just in case the last four years
of drama and D-list celebrities wasn't enough for you.
You know you messed up when your résumé reads...
host of "The Apprentice," President of the United States,
host of "The Apprentice."
[ Laughter ]
[ Applause ]
Well, listen to this. I saw that, early next year,
Pepsi is going to release a new chocolate soda drink called --
and I'm not kidding -- Cocoa Cola.
-Wait. What?
[ Laughter ]
-It's kind of brilliant, right?
-Kinda. -Cocoa Cola.
Yeah.
So now when you go to a restaurant
and ask for Coca-Cola, the waiter will be like,
"Sorry. Is Cocoa Cola okay?"
-Ahh.
-Ah, yeah.
-As soon as... -Ah.
-Yeah, it's a good -- it's a thinker.
-Yeah. Yeah. -Yeah. Yeah. Yep.
-Yeah.
-That's a laugher, too, but you think --
-It's a thinker.
-You think first. It's a thinker.
-Yeah. -And then it's a real laugher.
-It's a chuckler. -It's a chuckler?
-Yeah, yeah, you think first. -Uh-huh.
-And then it's a...
One of those guys. Just like a...
-Yeah, yeah.
-I think it's a thinker, and it's so --
it's so clever that --
out of respect for the comedian telling the joke...
-Oh, okay. -...you, uh...
[ Applause ]
...laugh. Maybe applause. Thank you, James.
Thank you. I appreciate it.
♪♪
Oh, my gosh. Wow. Oh, my gosh.
[ Laughter ]
-Respect, man. -No, it wasn't that --
It wasn't that good, man.
[ Laughter ]
That's some fantastic jokes.
As soon as Pepsi's new chocolate soda was announced,
dentists around the country
started looking at speedboat catalogues.
There you go! That's what I am talking about.
♪♪
-Whoo!
[ Laughter ]
-And, finally, you guys, Christmas --
Is this our last show before we go on break?
[ Laughter ]
Finally, you guys, Christmas is right around the corner.
Come on. And since --
[ Cheers and applause ]
Since things feel a little different this year,
I thought it'd be good to update an old classic.
[ Clears throat ]
♪♪
'Twas the night before Christmas.
Roughly one year ago, Trump was still shouting...
-There was no quid pro quo.
[ Laughter ]
-Then 2020 arrived, "Best year ever," we screamed.
When all of a sudden...
-This illness called COVID-19.
-No more restaurants, no Broadway.
Poor Tom Hanks, oh, dear. But the President said...
No one knew how to mute when Zooming began.
Your co-workers all yelling...
And then the election. Trump and Joe in a brawl.
But in state after state, it's still...
-Too close to call.
-But one man saved the day in his well-ironed khakis.
-The undisputed sexiest man alive, Steve Kornacki.
[ Laughter ]
-"Keep counting." "Stop counting."
There was no escaping. Then...
-Giuliani spoke to reporters at Four Seasons Total Landscaping.
-But the electoral college, well, they did their part.
And not a sound could be heard, not even a...
[ Fart ]
[ Laughter ]
♪♪
This year was tough, but we're tougher inside.
Happy holidays to all.
And to 2020...
-Bye-bye!
-We have a great show!
Right now it is time
for that beloved "Tonight Show" tradition.
It's time for "12 Days of Christmas Sweaters."
Here we go.
-♪ 12 days of Christmas sweaters ♪
♪ One day left ♪
-That is right.
For each of the last 12 shows before Christmas,
we've been giving one lucky audience member
a spectacular Christmas sweater
from the Countdown to Christmas Cabinet.
Since this is our last show, let's open door number one.
[ Drumroll ]
♪♪
Here we go.
Whoa! Whoa, whoa, wow!
♪♪
Oh, my goodness.
Oh, that is a three-dimensional sweater.
That is the front. Let's see the back.
Yeah! That's what I'm talking about!
That is -- That is a quality, quality sweater right there.
Oh, my God. That is the best one we've ever done.
Absolutely.
Oh, my gosh. Props to the wardrobe department.
Now let's see who's going home with tonight's sweater.
Everyone look at your seat number.
If I call your number, come on down.
Quest, can I get a drumroll, please?
[ Drumroll ]
It is...
2-4-9!
♪♪
Come on down. Nice to see you. Hey!
Right over there. Thank you very much.
Thank you so much for being here.
What is your name and where are you from?
-My name is Miguel, and I am from Fredericksburg, Virginia.
-Hey, Miguel, welcome.
Miguel -- Oh, can we dim the lights a little bit here?
This is another -- Look at this.
[ Audience oohs ]
Can you see that?
Can we dim the lights even more?
Hard to do that. Can we --
That -- There we go.
Now we're -- That's what we're talking about.
Look at that. Look at that.
Miguel, would you like to try that on, that sweater?
-I would love to. -This is going to be great.
Roots, can we get some sweater trying-on music here?
Do you have anything like this? -No, no, not yet.
-The fun thing about these sweaters
is you can wear them year-round. -Is this Gucci?
-Yeah, you can wear them year-round, absolutely.
Look at this. Wow. -Whoo!
-Glasses, mask. Everything's still on.
-Oh, yeah. -You're a talented dude.
Miguel. Look at this. Miguel.
You have to do -- You got to do a 360.
You got to -- That's fantastic.
Look at that right there. That's what I'm talking about.
-[ Applause ] -Round of applause for Miguel.
Thanks again to our lucky audience members. Stick around.
We'll be right back with "Thank You Notes," everybody.
♪♪