WELCOME, WELCOME, ONE AND ALL TO "THE LATE SHOW."
I'M YOUR HOST, STEPHEN COLBERT.
IT IS--
YOU KNOW, I FEEL THE SAME WAY ABOUT BEING WITH YOU RIGHT NOW.
AND I DON'T WANT TO BE ALONE RIGHT NOW, BECAUSE I GOT
SOMETHING TO SAY.
IS LISTEN, IF YOU'RE ON A LOW-CARB
DIET, YOU'RE IN LUCK, BECAUSE I AIN'T NO WAY TO SUGARCOAT THIS.
TODAY, JUSTICE ANTHONY KENNEDY ANNOUNCED HE'S RETIRING FROM THE
SUPREME COURT.
>> Audience: BOO!
>> Stephen: I NEVER THOUGHT I'D SAY THIS, BUT YOU'RE ONLY
81!
THEY SAY 81 IS THE NEW 79.
AND DON'T TELL ME YOUR MIND'S GOING, BECAUSE I READ "BUSH V.
GORE" AND "CITIZEN'S UNITED."
YOU NEVER HAD ONE.
( LAUGHTER ) THIS IS A SEISMIC POLITICAL
EVENT, BECAUSE KENNEDY HAS BEEN THE DECISIVE VOTE IN MANY CASES,
AND HIS RETIREMENT GIVES TRUMP THE OPPORTUNITY TO FUNDAMENTALLY
CHANGE THE COURSE OF THE SUPREME COURT.
AND I WOULD NOT TRUST TRUMP TO FUNDAMENTALLY CHANGE THE DESSERT
COURSE.
OH, WE ARE SUPREMELY SCREWED.
I LOOK FORWARD TO WOLF BLITZER IN 2021: "IN THE END, THIS
SUPREME COURT CASE WILL BE DECIDED BY THE SWING VOTE,
JUSTICE MEATLOAF."
( LAUGHTER ) AND THIS COULD HAVE-- THIS COULD
HAVE HUGE REPERCUSSIONS.
THINK ABOUT IT: THE COURT THAT JUST THIS WEEK CRIPPLED UNIONS,
UPHELD TRUMP'S MUSLIM BAN, AND RACE-BASED GERRYMANDERING
MIGHT TURN CONSERVATIVE.
( LAUGHTER ) NOW, IN A LETTER TO PRESIDENT
TRUMP, JUSTICE KENNEDY WROTE, "THIS LETTER IS A RESPECTFUL AND
FORMAL NOTIFICATION OF MY DECISION, EFFECTIVE JULY 31 OF
THIS YEAR, TO END MY REGULAR ACTIVE STATUS AS AN ASSOCIATE
JUSTICE OF THE SUPREME COURT."
OKAY "EFFECTIVE JULY 31."
SO, ENJOY YOUR GAY MARRIAGES NOW, BECAUSE AS OF AUGUST 1,
YOU'RE BACK TO BEING ROOMMATES.
( LAUGHTER ) YEAH.
AND THIS COULD HAPPEN FAST.
REPORTEDLY, THE WHITE HOUSE WILL PUSH FOR A NOMINATION AND
CONFIRMATION BEFORE THE MIDTERMS.
WELL, OF COURSE BEFORE THE MIDTERMS!
JUST LIKE YOU WANT TO EAT ALL THE WEED BEFORE THE COP WALKS UP
TO THE DRIVER'S SIDE WINDOW.
( LAUGHTER ) "QUICK, GET THEM IN THE CART!
THEY'RE COMING!
GET THEM IN THE CART!"
NOW, WHY WOULD HE-- WHY WOULD HE WANT TO DO IT BEFORE THE
MIDTERMS?
THAT RED WAVE IS COMING.
TRUMP SPOKE TO REPORTERS ABOUT IT TODAY, AND HE TEASED WHO
MIGHT GET THE BIG JOB.
>> WE HAVE, OBVIOUSLY, NUMEROUS PEOPLE.
WE HAVE A LIST.
WE HAVE A VERY EXCELLENT LIST.
I THINK THE LIST IS VERY OUTSTANDING.
>> Stephen: SO, GET READY FOR SUPREME COURT JUSTICE LIST.
( LAUGHTER ) THEN AGAIN-- THEN AGAIN, I COULD
SEE TRUMP APPOINTING GUILIANI, JUST TO KEEP HIM OFF TELEVISION.
( LAUGHTER ) NOW, YOU MAY RECALL THAT THE
REPUBLICANS GOT THEIR 5-4 MAJORITY ON THE COURT BECAUSE
MITCH McCONNELL REFUSED TO LET THE SENATE VOTE ON OBAMA'S
NOMINEE, MERRICK GARLAND.
YES.
>> Audience: BOO!
>> Stephen: A LITTLE LATE, BUT YES, LIKE THAT.
THAT UPSET A LOT OF PEOPLE, BUT MITCH McCONNELL IS WILLING TO
TAKE THE HIGH ROAD AND FORGET HE EVER DID IT, BECAUSE HERE'S WHAT
HE SAID TODAY: >> IT'S IMPERATIVE THAT THE
PRESIDENT'S NOMINEE BE CONSIDERED FAIRLY.
>> Stephen: OH, REALLY?
( LAUGHTER ) THAT'S LIKE TYPHOID MARY SAYING,
"READ THE SIGN, GUYS.
ALL EMPLOYEES MUST WASH HANDS."
( LAUGHTER ) BUT THERE WAS SOME GOOD LEGAL
NEWS YESTERDAY WHEN A "FEDERAL JUDGE ORDERED THE TRUMP
ADMINISTRATION TO REUNITE SEPARATED MIGRANT FAMILIES."
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ).
>> Stephen: YEAH, I'LL JUMP IN THERE.
YES!
THAT'S GOOD.
>> Jon: AS THEY SHOULD.
>> Stephen: THAT'S GOOD.
I APPLAUD THIS JUDGE FOR THIS RULING, BUT IT'S A LITTLE SAD
THAT THIS IS WHAT COUNTS AS GOOD NEWS.
GOOD NEWS USED TO BE, "WE GOT BIN LADEN."
NOW IT'S, "WE GOT TRUMP TO RELEASE THE KIDNAPPED CHILDREN.
AND THERE'S A CHANCE HE MIGHT DO IT!"
( LAUGHTER ) THE JUDGE DID NOT MINCE ANY
WORDS IN HIS DECISION.
HE CALLED THE FAMILY SEPARATION CRISIS "A CHAOTIC CIRCUMSTANCE
OF THE GOVERNMENT'S OWN MAKING."
WHICH IS ALSO THE VERY WORST "LEMONY SNICKET" BOOK.
( LAUGHTER ) THE JUDGE INSTRUCTED THAT
"NEARLY ALL CHILDREN YOUNGER THAN FIVE BE RETURNED TO THEIR
PARENTS WITHIN 14 DAYS AND THAT OLDER CHILDREN BE RETURNED
WITHIN 30 DAYS."
YES, SO IMPORTANT.
FIVE-YEAR-OLDS HAVE GOT TO BE WITH THEIR PARENTS AS QUICKLY AS
POSSIBLE, BUT SIX-YEAR-OLDS CAN TAKE IT.
COME OSIX-YEAR-OLDS KNOW HOW THIS GAME IS PLIED.
HE KIDNAPS CHILDREN.
THE DEMOCRATS GIVE HIM HIS BORDER WALL.
HE RESPECTS THE PLAYAH.
I BELIEVE THAT'S THE WAY HE SAYS IT.
THERE'S ONE PROBLEM WITH THE JUDGE TELLING THE TRUMP
ADMINISTRATION TO RETURN THE CHILDREN.
WHAT?
YOU TOOK THEM AWAY AND YOU CAN'T EVEN TRACK CHILDREN?
DOMINO'S CAN TRACK MY PIZZA
LET'S HAVE DOMINO'S DO IT!
WHY NOT?
THAT WOULD WORK.
HERE'S WHAT WE'LL DO, HERE'S WHAT WE'LL DO: WE'LL JUST ORDER
ALL OF THESE KIDS A LARGE MEAT LOVER'S, AND THE
PARENTS CAN FIND THEM WITH THEIR PHONES.
I'VE GOT A PERFECT SLOGAN: "YOU'LL GET YOUR CHILD BACK IN
30 MINUTES, OR YOU'RE FREE."
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )