-Welcome, everybody. Enjoy yourself.
Welcome, welcome, welcome to "The Tonight Show."
You're here. Thank you very much.
[ Cheers and applause ]
Hey guys, this is fun.
Today, Time magazine announced that their
2023 Person of the Year is Taylor Swift.
[ Cheers and applause ] That's right.
♪♪
Taylor was like, "Of all the honors I've had today,
this is definitely in the top 50."
Yeah.
But Time actually released multiple covers of Taylor,
including this one where she's posing with her cat.
Ooh!
Most cats think they're better than you,
but that cat knows it's better than you.
Well, some political news here.
A lot of people were talking about this.
Yesterday, at a campaign fundraiser,
President Biden told donors "If Trump wasn't running,
I'm not sure I'd be running."
That's a hell of a campaign slogan.
"I don't want to..."
So if Trump dropped out, Biden might also drop out.
Right now... [ Cheers and applause ]
Right now, 99% of voters are like,
"What do you need from us?
What do we..."
Speaking of Trump, last night, he participated in a town hall
hosted by Sean Hannity, and at one point,
Hannity asked Trump a pretty simple question,
and Trump had a very interesting answer.
Watch this.
-You are promising America tonight
you would never abuse power as retribution against anybody.
-Except for day one. -Except for --
-Look. He's going crazy. Except for day one.
He says, "You're not going to be a dictator, are you?"
I said, "No, no, no, other than day one."
-Yeah, not great when a presidential candidate
has big dictator energy.
Do you know what I'm saying?
I have a feeling, on day two, Trump would be like,
"Sorry, folks.
It's just like Pringles.
Once you pop, you can't stop, you know?"
Hannity also asked Trump
about his legal troubles, and, once again,
Trump had an unexpected response.
Check this out.
-What's happened to us, again, has never happened before.
Over nonsense. Over nothing, made-up charges.
I often say Al Capone, he was one of the greatest of all time,
if you like criminals.
[ Laughter ]
-Sure, sure. Who doesn't?
Nothing puts a country at ease like a presidential candidate
describing Al Capone as the greatest of all time.
[ As Trump ] He was the GOAT. He was the GOAT.
I mean, Jeffrey Dahmer was great,
if you like serial killers.
He was -- Jeffrey Dahmer was good."
Well, I read that in Trump's
upcoming election-interference trial,
federal prosecutors are planning to use
his own words against him.
And Trump wasn't too happy to hear
that they'd be using his exact words.
In fact, he just issued a statement about it.
And I have it right here.
It says, "How dare the corrupt prosecutors
use my own words against me?
All of my quotes should be completely anonymous."
Or as he calls it...
-Anominous.
-He said it's un-American
and shouldn't happen in the United States.
Or as he calls it...
-The United Shates.
-This wouldn't be allowed in other countries,
like Namibia or Thailand, or as he calls them...
-Nambia. -Or...
-Thighland.
-"I simply can't be prosecuted for things I did in
the White House, which is a legal sanctuary."
Or as he calls it...
-Stanktuare.
-"In conclusion, Merry Christmas everybody."
Or as he calls it...
-Merry Chrisiss, everybody.
-There you go. Well, we'll see how it goes.
[ Cheers and applause ] I don't know. Not bad.
Some more political news.
Tonight in Alabama was the fourth
Republican presidential debate.
It aired on the CW Network, which makes sense
because it was two hours of people over 35
acting like they're in high school.
These debates started on Fox News and NBC,
and now they're on the CW.
I'm hearing the next debate will just be shown
on the little screen of a gas pump off the Jersey Turnpike.
Some news from overseas.
I saw that Kim Jong Un has been encouraging
North Korean women to have more babies.
Yep. But he's also doing something
to encourage the men, as well.
Take a look at this ad.
-Hey, fellas, want to turn your short-range missile
into a long-range rocket?
Then you've got to try this magic pill.
Introducing...
[ Ding! ]
[ Cash register dings ]
[ Ding! ] -There you go.
Interesting, right? [ Cheers and applause ]
-Well, switching gears, Kraft announced
that they're launching a plant-based mac and cheese.
So good news -- you no longer have to threaten your kids
with coal this Christmas.
Kraft actually didn't mean to release it.
It just escaped from the testing labs.
Yep, a healthier mac-and-cheese option from Kraft.
Here's what it looks like.
Yeah.
Did you guys see this?
The genetic-testing site 23andMe was hacked.
-What? -Yeah.
And now the genetic data
of nearly 7 million people were exposed.
And, apparently, it includes the data of some people in the news.
For instance, we now know that President Biden is...
Do you know that? -No, I did not.
-Now you know, and it's released.
-Because of the hacked information.
-We also know that Prince Harry is...
This was just -- It was released as of today.
As of this afternoon.
Now we know that Gavin Newsom is...
That makes sense. Look at this. Marjorie Taylor Greene is...
-Oh.
-This is just -- All got leaked. This all got leaked today.
Next up, the Golden Bachelor is...
Plus, we now know that Ron DeSantis is...
-God. -You okay, buddy?
"I'm just relaxing before I go out, man.
-"I have to turn my arms towards the camera."
-And, finally, this one's weird, but I guess
even one company's genetic data was hacked.
-Really? -Yeah, apparently, CVS is...
-Oh. -That's interesting.
Data doesn't lie.
Hey, guys. Get this.
White Claw just announced that they're releasing
a nonalcoholic seltzer.
Or as it's also known, seltzer.
Yep, it's been described as "delicious,"
"refreshing, and "pointless."
Well, listen to this.
The spice brand McCormick just named tamarind
as its 2024 Flavor of the Year.
Tamarind is like, "Nice going, idiots.
You announced me on the same day Time magazine announces Taylor?"
Guys, I heard about a city-council candidate
in Washington who didn't vote for himself
and lost the race by one ballot.
It's the first time anyone's ever wished they'd lost by more.
There you go, everybody.