ADAM:
I'm about to have an arranged marriage.
[THEME MUSIC PLAYING]
NARRATOR:
on a series of field trips,
to explore philosophy's most intriguing ideas.
This time...
♪ Just got home From Lebanon... ♪
NARRATOR:
best known for his hip-hop flavored music videos and mischievous pranks...
-[MAN SCREAMS] -I've never heard him scream like that in my life.
NARRATOR:
they think he should spend the rest of his life with.
With around half of marriages ending in divorce,
you may as well base your choice of life partner on the flip of a coin.
So, when it comes to choosing who to marry,
is it time to replace love with logic?
-[SIREN WAILING] -New York City, where the girls are looking pretty.
-GIRL: Hey! -Hey! [CHUCKLES]
ADAM:
and I know nothing about marriage.
In fact, it scares me.
But everyone around me wants me to get married.
What am I gonna do?
[CRICKETS CHIRPING]
Here's a 60-second guide
from someone who knows way more about it than I do. [SNAPS FINGERS]
NARRATOR:
We think of marriage as something two people do
when they've finally found the right person and fallen in love.
But this is based on a very modern delusion.
For most of history,
the idea that marriage and love had anything to do with each other
would have been laughed at.
Marriage was a transaction
designed to be beneficial for children, land and power.
Love was for drama, excitement and sex.
But in the 1800s,
poems and best-selling books began to promote a radical new idea,
rebranding marriage as something that starry-eyed couples
should only do for love.
Even though, as a foundation for marriage,
love hasn't been very successful.
It might even prompt us to wonder
if expecting marriage to provide sex and love,
as well as happiness and material security,
is expecting too much.
-[NEIGHS]
if acting on impulse while blinded by love
really is the cleverest way
of choosing the person we will be with forever.
Could it be that the future of marriage
might be found by looking by looking at a model
which has actually been very successful
throughout most of our history?
ADAM:
is a big deal.
I'm stuck with my dad and my mom
pressuring me every single day
because literally everyone in my family is married,
my sisters, my older brother, my younger brother.
For me, marriage is about, you know, romantic love,
finding the right one that you wanna be with everyday.
But for my parents, marriage is about, you know,
"Oh, you're a big boy now." You know, "You're married.
"That's how it should be."
NARRATOR:
In a street, in a lounge,
people use apps to even, you know, approach girls, men.
NARRATOR:
No more Tinder, no more SingleMuslim.com,
no more... Instagram, no more Twitter.
NARRATOR:
With all that choice on offer,
can Adam really say goodbye to a life of short-lived fun
and focus on finding someone he might be compatible with
for the long-term?
[POPS]
[BUZZER SOUNDS]
[POPS]
[BUZZER SOUNDS]
[POPS]
[BUZZER SOUNDS]
[POPS]
[BUZZER SOUNDS]
[POPS]
[BUZZER SOUNDS]
NARRATOR:
is an arranged marriage.
IBRAHIM: It's time for you to get married.
Our parents, they find a wife for you
in an arranged marriage. It's good.
You know how people these days,
they use those app things, the app.
Like, they see something they don't like, they swipe up.
It's not respectful for women.
People say love at first sight.
Sometimes, it doesn't last long.
One month, one year, they get over it.
But, if you let your parent find a woman for you, it's better.
It's like, two people meet, they don't know each other, okay?
You build your relationship.
That's how love is.
What if I see her, and I don't like her?
Like, right away, I don't like her.
Looks don't matter.
The heart that matter.
Good, kind, sweet.
[SPEAKING]
ADAM: How many kids do you want me to get?
[SPEAKING]
Okay, I like that. [CHUCKLES]
You want Dad to see your kids, right?
[SPEAKING]
My marriage was arranged. You see me happy?
-ADAM: I see you happy. I do see you happy. -Okay.
I love my wife, my kids, I'm... I'm happy.
And I want you to be happy.
Um, sometimes, I think maybe you got lucky.
-I know, I... -ADAM: The only reason I'm gonna do this
is because I've seen it.
You know, I've seen Tinder be a big mess,
but I've seen your marriages,
even my dad and you, you know, be successful.
It came out good for me,
it came out good for Yusuf.
-It's gonna be perfect for you. -All right, I guess I'm taking my phone out,
I'm gonna delete all the apps,
I'm gonna delete everything I got.
Since you're telling me from experience,
then I'm ready. I'm ready to, you know, to do this.
[HIP-HOP INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC PLAYING]
♪ Hey
♪ Hey ♪
NARRATOR:
His family have asked around, interviewed the candidates,
and finally settled on a very special person,
who they think would be ideal for him.
Today, he's meeting her for the very first time.
I'm really nervous.
Few months ago, I would have never expected
something like this to happen,
and now, I'm here. I'm waiting for my date.
I just hope it goes well.
It's really weird not seeing the person before.
-[DOOR CHIMES OPEN] -WOMAN: Hi.
[WEDDING MARCH
-Hi, I'm Noor. Nice to meet you. -Adam.
Nice to meet you. You want a coffee or something?
-Black coffee, no sugar, no cream. -No sugar.
Oh, that's good, that's good.
I was just really nervous.
It's my first time meeting you, so I didn't know what to expect.
-What's your nationality? -Palestinian.
-Oh, Palestinian, that's dope. -Yeah.
-That's sick. -What about you?
-I'm from Yemen, yeah. -Yemen, okay.
-[BOTH SPEAKING ARABIC] -[BOTH CHUCKLING]
-[IN ENGLISH] So, do you know Arabic or no? -[IN ENGLISH] Yeah.
-You do? -What about you?
[BOTH SPEAKING ARABIC]
[ADAM SPEAKING ARABIC]
[IN ENGLISH] Nice. That's good. I like that. [CHUCKLES]
Do you have any brothers or sisters?
Three older sisters and two brothers.
-Nice, big family. -You?
Uh, just a younger brother.
-Just a younger brother? -Yeah.
That's good. Stress-free.
It's better for me, I think.
I being the only child, it's better. [LAUGHS]
I know, yeah. I feel you.
'Cause having a big family is... People, like, love it,
-but it's too much. -It's a lot of drama.
-Like, when I go back home, oh, my God. -Yeah.
Yeah, it's like
-Even worse. -[BOTH LAUGH]
Can't believe our moms, like, knew each other.
I know, right? Yeah.
I mean, my mom, my dad and my brother were saying how, like, you're the right one.
And you're perfect for me.
Yeah?
You're very... You're not shy.
I was worried if you were gonna be shy.
Oh, no, I'm definitely not shy, so...
-That's good, that's good. -[BOTH CHUCKLE]
My friends think this is, like, so weird that we're doing this.
Yeah, they'd be, like, "What the hell?"
That you don't know each other and you just got married.
Like, it's backwards, you know?
The good thing about us is, like, we have the family connection...
-Yeah. -...so we know we have the compatibility.
-Yeah. -And it's not only based off, like, looks...
The looks don't matter. The heart that matter.
It's not a decision based off emotion, it's based off logic.
Yes.
Is it weird that I'm thinking about, like, you know, our whole future right now?
Us growing old together.
Is it weird or... [CHUCKLES]
I mean...
It's different, but I mean, it's... it's good.
-Yeah? [CHUCKLES] -Yeah.
After meeting you, I think we could be a good match.
ADAM:
if there wasn't no, you know, spark,
I would have been feeling it.
But everything has been going on really, really well.
Like, better than what I expected.
I'm still kinda nervous.
But I'm ready to see what happens next.
NARRATOR:
tend to report higher levels of satisfaction
than those in relationships founded on desire alone.
It seems surprising,
but why wouldn't reason provide a more solid basis
for a relationship than emotion?
After much discussion and preparation
and further meetings between Adam and Noor,
the ultimate decision has been taken.
Both families are happy to go ahead.
I don't know how you did this at the age of 18, man.
I'm 25 and I'm freaking out.
If I did it, you can do it.
Just be yourself, be happy, be calm, relax.
-All right. -Everything will be okay.
[SPEAKING ARABIC]
[IN ENGLISH] In the name of Prophet Muhammad,
do you give Adam permission to marry your daughter?
I give permission.
[ALL SPEAKING ARABIC]
[INDISTINCT CHATTER]
ADAM: [IN ENGLISH]
Chill, chill.
This is... This is just weird.
I need to get out of this situation, man.
This is getting way too serious.
Guys, I have a confession to make.
This is not actually a real arranged marriage.
This is something that I did to see what goes on.
And the reason for that is because I wanna take a deeper look.
When I was at the ice-cream place with my "wife",
it was a crazy experience because it all felt so real.
This is something serious for me
because I do wanna get married soon.
I just wanted to experience what my brothers, you know, went through.
I am 25, and I will be married soon.
I've always been blind to this arranged marriage, you know, stuff.
Anytime my mom, my dad will talk about it with me,
I would literally ignore it.
But now, after this whole journey that I had,
I will consider maybe having an arranged marriage.
It's more about trust,
it's more about long-term, you know?
Not just having someone temporary.
This is about being with someone forever,
and that's an amazing once you're ready.
NARRATOR:
that it makes sense to base our actions on our feelings.
But this is to ignore the traditional basis of marriage:
reason based on long-term calm thinking.
After all, sexual passion doesn't last forever.
And you could always grow to like someone you didn't think much of at first sight.
With values, background and status that are aligned,
you might even end up being the best of friends.
It's a hugely provocative thought for our times,
but isn't a marriage that isn't blinded by lust and passion
more likely to be a marriage that lasts?
What do you think?
Should Adam marry someone he doesn't love,
but with whom he might have a great lifelong friendship?
Leave your comments below.
If you've enjoyed this episode on marriage
as much as I did,
make sure you guys check out the rest of the series
here on The School of Life YouTube channel.
See ya soon.
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