- Hey everyone.
Today's video, I'm going to talk about
neediness, dependency,
and creating boundaries in our relationships.
So stay tuned.
(light piano music)
So, like I said, today I'm gonna talk about
neediness, dependency, and creating boundaries.
And I know a lot of you have asked,
because many times we'll feel like,
why aren't they calling me back?
I texted them.
Why aren't they responding?
And then we'll be like,
am I being too needy?
Damn it, I don't know. Why?
We almost create these extreme situatitions
in our heads, right?
I know as a girl, I do that sometimes,
and we need to figure out, what do we do?
And the tricky thing is,
that when we're struggling with something,
lets say we have anxiety, or depression,
or an eating disorder, or self-harm,
often times those go hand in hand
with a lot of disorders that lead to
self-esteem issues,
struggling with attachment.
And so, being in relationships,
whether it's romantic or otherwise,
it's difficult for us.
And something that I always tell my clients is:
What do you think a healthy relationship is?
So I guess that's my first task to you,
is journal about it, think about it,
vlog about it.
Do whatever it is that's best for you.
What is a healthy relationship?
Do you have someone, or a couple
in your life that is a healthy pair?
A lot of us, like I look at my grandma and papa.
I think they have a pretty healthy relationship,
and they have for, you know, over 55 years
or something like that.
And so, thinking about that,
and looking at a couple that you think is healthy,
or, if you don't,
sometimes I even tell my clients,
think of a romantic comedy that you've watched,
and they have a couple in there
that you think has a healthy relationship.
You can pick fictional characters
as long as we have an idea of what it is.
And I want you to focus
on the things that are important.
Is it honesty?
Is it loyalty?
Is it communication?
Sorry, my nose is itching. Oy.
What is it that you find to be the most important?
And then, after you know what it is that's healthy,
and what's important,
I want you to rank them.
And let's just focus on your top five, okay.
I know this is hard,
and I know it takes a lot of time,
but this is something that we're gonna
have to do when we're in relationships,
and when we're hoping that these
relationships will grow, right?
Now my number one is honesty.
So, let's say somebody lies to me,
then what do I do, right?
Do I get really needy?
Am I dependent on them and then I'm angry?
Am I lashing out?
What am I doing as a response to that hurt?
And why is it that we think we're responding?
So a lot of this is gonna be
that work that you do at home with yourself
when you're thinking about it,
you're taking time, you're journaling,
and how do we cultivate a healthy relationship?
Now this is where the boundary stuff comes in.
And, I'm not gonna go into too much detail with it,
because I have a couple videos,
you can click this link,
that I created on boundaries.
And I talk about different types,
whether they're rigid or diffuse,
and how do we create a healthy in-between.
Now something that I have done myself,
is with my cell phone, okay?
We all have phones.
We're accessible 24/7,
even on like a gazillion social media sites, right?
A healthy boundary would be
when I'm tired,
and I think I'm trying to relax for the night,
I turn it off.
(gasps)
You mean you turn off your phone?
You're not accessible?
Hell yes.
Because if someone calls me
at 11:00 p.m.,
and I'm, like just getting to dream land,
I'm on a beach, I'm so relaxed,
and then buzz,
it's terrible, right?
And, that's not the ideal time to talk to me.
They can leave a message.
I know, what if it's an emergency?
What if they really need...
No. This is where we're gonna
have to recognize what's happening.
If we have no boundaries with ourselves,
it leads people to not respecting our time,
not respecting our space.
And then, it creates a relationship that isn't healthy.
Can you see how that can lead to that,
when we don't respect our own time
and have our own boundaries?
So I'd like you to take some time,
like I said, we're gonna think about
what's a healthy relationship?
What things are important to me?
What are my top five?
And then what can I do to help create
some healthy boundaries for me?
Now, everybody's different.
One of mine is being accessible,
because I have to have some personal time.
I have to have some down time.
For some of my clients,
it's amount of time that you'll spend with someone.
And something we can do for that is like,
hey, can you meet up for coffee at 10:00 a.m.?
But then I have another event at 11:30, right?
And so we'll set a boundary.
A time boundary.
Now, start to think about ways that you can help
put boundaries in your relationships.
When is it that you find yourself upset or irritated,
because, chances are, that when that's happening
a boundary has been stepped on.
Somebody's walked over it,
and they're taking advantage.
But we haven't said anything,
and we haven't set that up.
So we're gonna have to do that, right?
And it'll be difficult,
and it'll take some time,
and it'll take some practice,
but I'd like you to begin working on it,
and begin thinking about it.
Because the better our boundaries are set up,
and boundaries aren't a bad thing.
They're a good thing.
They're healthy.
The better those are set up,
the more happy, the less needy,
the less dependent we will become on those around us,
because if they have healthy boundaries,
and we have healthy boundaries,
we're seeing each other when we want,
we're not spending too much time,
we're, we have our own life,
things are, we're coming and going,
we're talking, we're communicating,
those things will all fall into place.
Now, the thing that's gonna come along
with this boundary setting is communication.
And that's where the journaling,
and practicing in front of a mirror
really comes in to play.
And I still do this.
When I have people I come into contact with
that I think are really difficult,
and I'm kinda scared cause they're really combative,
or aggressive, I practice it.
In my head, I practice it in my car.
I practice it in front of a mirror.
How would I say this to them?
And then, working on actually saying it.
And I know speaking up for ourselves
is really difficult, but by doing these things,
we're gonna set ourselves up for
healthier, happier relationships.
And isn't that what life's all about?
Who we're around, who we spend time with,
who we love, who loves us.
And taking the time to do these things
will really set us up for success.
So take some time this week
to think about what's important
for you in a relationship.
What does a healthy relationship mean?
What are some boundaries that I could set up?
And if you struggle with that one then,
when do I find myself being
really upset and agitated?
Is it because someone maybe
has crossed a boundary?
So what would that boundary be?
And what can I do to start putting it into place?
And then we're gonna practice verbalizing it.
Because someone might ask,
hey what's up?
I tried to call you last night at 2:00 a.m.
Why didn't you pick up?
Uh, cause I was sleeping. Right?
How do we start verbalizing that,
and being clear with the people
that are in our life,
and we're in relationships with.
And please give this a thumbs up if you like it.
Don't forget to subscribe to my channel,
and check out my videos on boundaries
that I've done before,
because I give a more in-depth discussion
on the types and how
we get to a healthy boundary.
And leave your comments below,
and I will see you next week
as we work towards a healthy mind
and a healthy body.