- You ever wake up just terrified?
Like I sit up and I'm like, "Ah, why am I a bad person?"
(upbeat music)
- Stamps make me nervous,
because I don't know how many you're supposed to put on.
Like, where they're gonna be like,
"You should put one more on."
And they changed the price of stamps.
And that's not in the news, you know?
You don't find that out on Twitter.
You have to find out from old people.
They're the only people that know.
They keep up with it.
They'll be like, "Stamps went up."
You're like, "Okay, all right."
Is it a hundred dollars? Like, they're furious.
Is it a hundred dollars a stamp? It's three more pennies.
- I guess spicy food is my scary movies, right?
If you think about it,
spicy food is actually a lot like scary movies.
You know, if it's good, you feel alive, excited, you know?
An addictive frisson.
If it's really good, you shit yourself.
- Lesbians live in the shadows.
You know, lesbians are like bees.
If you don't bother them, they won't bother you.
But also if they all die, the world ends.
Like lesbians, you scare me a little bit.
I'm intimidated by lesbians. You're a bit scary.
I think lesbians are so scary that even AIDS was like,
"Let's stick to less terrifying things
like needles and buttholes."
And lesbians definitely leave their mark on the world.
It's just sometimes a little more subtle.
Like, lesbians wore khakis so hard
that now when men wear khakis, they look like lesbians.
- Even the word uncle still creeps me out, right?
Uncle. It's kind of a creepy word a little bit, right?
Uncle, uncle, uncle.
Like, I was home visiting my family recently,
and I texted my sister, I was like,
"Hey do you have the kids? I'm looking for some uncle time."
And my phone, on its own,
called the police.
- And the last thing you see on the George Washington tour
is George Washington's teeth in a case.
And, you know,
the myth is George Washington had wooden teeth.
Turns out George Washington had,
it was ivory and lead dentures
with horse and cow teeth on the top row
and human slave teeth on the bottom row.
What the fuck?
That's it. That's how the tour ends.
You gotta walk outside to a hot, sunny parking lot.
Like, "What the fuck was that at the end?"
Also, lead with the teeth. Show me the teeth right away.
Dude, don't make me love George Washington for two hours,
and at the very end be like,
"You want to see some wild shit?"
And once you see his teeth,
every story about him makes perfect sense.
Like, "He was a man of few words."
It's like, yeah dude, he had fucking donkey teeth
and fucking lead in his mouth for a decade.
You can't keep lead your mouth for a decade.
That would give you, for real, like rabies-like symptoms.
You'd be like...
"I can't believe we defeated the British."
"I know how we did it."
- I was very sheltered growing up.
I was terrified of sex. I thought I would be bad at it.
Now that I'm older,
it's so easy to be good at sex, isn't it?
Oh my gosh.
All you have to do is approach it
with the enthusiasm of a child.
Just put everything in your mouth.
Like, if you can reach it and it fits, that's where it goes.
Pretend you're four and your partner's made of Legos.
It's not...
- When I first got to rehab, one of my biggest fears
was that everyone was going to recognize me.
Gradually,
a new fear took over.
I'm not like exaggerating to be funny.
Fucking no one,
no one knew who I was
and it was driving me bananas.
Please don't repeat this.
It was in the newspaper,
that I was in rehab and I left it out.
I was like, "Hey, oh my God, the paper's here.
Get in here, you addicts. Oh my God.
Oh, I wonder what's inside."
- My boyfriend, I gotta brag. He is a violinist.
A good one, not a bad one.
Yeah, I mean, how many violinists do you meet?
How many violins do you meet? Not many.
Sometimes, I'll hear him playing the violin,
okay, in a room.
(Melissa mimics violin)
And it's spooky, you know?
I get anxiety. I start feeling like I'm on the Titanic.
You know when it's sinking and the violin people come out?
(Melissa mimics string instruments)
So I just start grabbing all my valuables.
I'm like quick, "Get some oatmeal.
Get my dog. Get a slab of wood."
He comes out and he is like,
"What are you doing with my wood door?"
I'm like, "Women and children first, bitch."
- My fear is having a home invasion.
That's my biggest fear.
Growing up, our house got robbed three separate times.
Now as an adult, I got a fear of
waking up at four o'clock in the morning
and I got another guy in my bedroom.
Now, I don't got a gun. I got nothing against guns.
But again, I'm 49 years old,
and I'm not picking up any new skill sets at my age.
I feel gun owners have a good grasp of their gun.
They go to the range. They got a lock and key for it.
They keep it in a cabinet.
Plus, I feel when a gun owner
hears somebody breaking into their home,
the gun owner gets happy.
Right?
Hears a little jiggle at the door. He is like, "Oh yeah."
He tells his wife, "Just lay there, babe.
I know you got a big day.
I'm gonna go take care of this guy."
- I had a near-death experience. This really happened to me.
Have you guys gone to Disneyland?
I had a really scary thing happen to me there
where I went on the Indiana Jones ride, right?
This is true. I went on the Indiana Jones ride.
My sister and her two kids,
they were in the front and I was in the middle seat.
And what it is, it's like an amphibious vehicle,
like a Jeep with like three wheels.
So I get on, get in, and my Jeep, mine,
went off the tracks.
Went off of the tracks.
It jumped up and it went through this like tunnel,
like a rock tunnel, and like down.
And then I'm like, "How do I jump out of this thing?"
And it goes over this bridge.
A bridge that's falling apart.
It was like an old broken bridge.
I don't know why I was in there. Horrifying.
And there's kids in the front.
And there's the feeling of arrows whizzing past me.
And then, awful.
And then I look behind me
and there's a boulder coming through like this.
So I'm just like,
"Oh, okay. People make mistakes. I understand."
Like, so I get out and I get on the ride again.
It happened again.
- Twitter's a scary place. It is.
You only go there to fight,
to get into it, to prove a point.
And so a friend of mine said,
if you want to get some attention, use a hashtag.
And so I did.
And I wrote a tweet that said, "Hey, #cancelculture.
My name is Gabriel Iglesias
and I'm the new voice of Speedy Gonzalez.
You cannot cancel or catch me."
And I posted it.
I had no idea
that when you go on Twitter looking for problems,
you will find them.
Oh, yeah.
Every major news outlet picked up my tweet
and used it in a story about cancel culture.
ABC, NBC, CBS, CNN.
If I would've known that, I would've used spell check.
'Cause my family called.
(Gabriel speaking Spanish)
Oh my God.
Even Fox News did a story with my tweet. Fox News.
You know how I know? My bus driver, Dave called me.
Oh, he was thrilled.
He was like "Fluffy, God damn it, I've never been prouder.
You made it baby, you're on Fox News."
- So my husband does work for that big mobile home company.
And he has worked for them for over 25 years.
And it's been a blessing to our family.
But one of the perks there that they give us
is they send us on these trips,
unbelievable trips, all over the world.
And I've loved them and it's been wonderful,
but a little stressful at the same time.
Because most of the time it's somewhere tropical.
And that's in late January, early February.
But sometimes it'll be like Alaska, somewhere like that.
Sometimes it's been overseas.
But say for instance Alaska,
and we sign up for excursions before we go.
And let me tell you, I don't mind an excursion.
I want to go and kiss a husky puppy in the mouth.
I'll do that.
But oh no, everybody that goes
signs up for these scary, scary excursions.
One time we went to Alaska and my husband signed us
up to go on a float plane to see a glacier.
And we walk up to this dock
and there's this little float plane floating in the water.
And they line us up on this dock.
And this little crusty man with a pack of Marlboro Reds
comes up to me and says, "What do you weigh?"
And I lied. I lied.
And I watched nine more people, he asked nine more people.
And I watched them all lie.
And I thought, "Oh my Lord, we're gonna go down."
- You can believe the rights a liberal,
but if you express it incorrectly, you're fucked.
It's terrifying.
You ever try to talk
about like transgender issues in public?
Even right now you're like,
"We don't gotta do this, Neal."
Don't go out like your boy, just move on.
But that's exactly my point. It's terrifying.
Like, I'm sure we all believe the right shit.
But you try to talk about transgender issues in public
is like playing conversational Jenga,
where you're like uh,
pronouns,
he,
they.
And then Republicans are like,
"So trannies? We'll call 'em trannies?
What happened here? You guys playing Jenga?"
- Why would you have kids rehearse
for some shit they have no control of?
All you're doing is training these kids to worry.
It's the stupidest drill I've ever heard of.
And while you in there training them during these drills,
well, aren't you training the shooter too?
This n**** in here
listening and learning like the other kids,
sitting in the back of,
"Where are we supposed to meet?"
If you are a parent, this shit is terrifying.
This shit is real scary.
All the parents is looking at each other crazy.
Because we know, as parents,
that one of us is raising the shooter.
Just don't know which one of us it is.
All we know for sure is that if you're a white parent,
the chances that it's you
exponentially higher than the rest of us.
- The reason why I don't trust that white boy joy,
it's because it's been happening,
it's been happening for years.
And I've had this suspect.
It's not for the reasons you think, okay?
I don't trust white men,
because most white men were once white boys, all right?
And as a child of the '80s and '90s,
every movie and TV show I watched
was about a little white boy
getting into trouble and having bad energy, okay?
These little white boys
love making friends with an extra terrestrial, okay?
They will go ahead and find a gremlin, okay?
They having close encounters of the third kind.
What are the other two? What are the other two encounters?
We don't know. We don't know.
Little white boys, I'll tell you right now.
Little white boys
love opening a portal to another dimension.
Honey, these bitches will open up a portal
and leave you to pick up the pieces.
That's a fact.
Have you ever seen the movie "The Gate?"
This is from 1989, very formative for me.
And it's literally about two little white boys
home alone for a holiday weekend
and they open up a pathway to Hell.
Why couldn't they just order a pizza like everybody else?
This is why I don't trust it.
It's to the point where nothing scares me more,
no image shakes me to my core,
like seeing one or more white boys riding bicycles.
Uh-uh, uh-uh, uh-uh, uh-uh, uh-uh, uh-uh.
I see a bitch on a bike, I'm going in opposite direction.
Because it means there's a poltergeist afoot.
And I do not want to be caught in those cross hairs,
so I'm telling you right now.
(upbeat music)