Hey there, this is Clay.
And, got a message today from someone named, Pamela, and she says that, you know, she really
doesn't have time to focus on herself and do active, no contact the way that we talk
about, because you know, she, she's a middle aged woman.
She's 44 years old.
She has two kids, you know, she, she has a full time job and, you know, currently her,
her partner has left her.
So basically she's a functioning as a single parent and she says that she doesn't have
the time to focus on herself because she's spread so thin and, Pamela, I want you to
know that, that I can absolutely relate to being really busy and, and feeling like, like
you don't have enough time and feeling like you, you need to take on these massive heroic
efforts like, you know, running a marathon or, you know, being on the tonight show or
something like that.
But that's not what we're asking you to do.
That's not, really how, how I would really recommend you approach, no contact, active,
no contact.
And that's because, okay.
For example, you know, at the time that I'm making this video, I'm a really, really busy
guy.
You know, nobody would, would fault me if I said I just don't have enough time to do
anything for myself cause you know, I make these videos.
I'm helping people, going through breakups, on, on the website relationshipinnergame.com.
I'm doing some consulting work for, for, to other businesses and I have some freelance
work that I do as well, helping people with technical aspects of, of their business as
well.
And, and you know, it's, it's no stretch to say that I don't have any time to focus on
myself, you know, if I wanted to, if I didn't draw boundaries, I could just work nonstop
every single day.
From the moment I wake up until the moment and go to bed, I could do that.
And there have been times when I have done that.
You know, I've, it's not, it's not unheard of for me to work 80 hours a week, but I don't
do that anymore because I got in the habit of drawing some clear boundaries and starting
small, you know, yes, I have a lot to do in my life, but you'd have to start small if
you're really busy, if you really spread too thin, just start small.
Start by planting a small seed and letting it grow.
For example, for me, what I do, these days is every day, just about every day I give
myself about 30 minutes to an hour and I'll just go to this park, down the street from,
from where I live.
It's really big park.
There's like lots of trees and pass and stuff in it and I'll just go walk through that park.
Sometimes I'll, I'll listen to music, sometimes I'll listen to like audio books and stuff
like that.
So I'm learning while I'm doing it.
Sometimes I'll just be unplugged and I'll just listen to the wind and the birds and
stuff like that.
And you know, a lot of times if the weather's nice, I'll, I'll sit down and I'll read a
book on a bench or something.
And for me it's just this one little thing that I can do for myself.
It's one little nugget that I can plant that has the potential of growing into something
more.
You know, I can, I can read books, I can learn things, I can get exercise, I can get out
of the house, I can get some fresh air.
It's great for all that.
Another thing I'm getting into as well is just, doing a little bit of yoga before bed.
You know, just, just a couple of sun salutations just to help keep me flexible, help keep,
my body relatively in shape and to just sort of act as like a book end to the day, you
know, a little end cap at the end of the day.
So, you know, I, I understand that you're spread really thin with, with your kids, with,
with, with a, you know, raising them on your own and your job and everything like that.
But you know, just find ways to start small because if you don't, if you just sort of
pushed down and repress these parts of you, the parts of you that want to come out and
express themselves, you just sacrifice yourself for your job and your kids and all that.
You're going to end up with this hole inside of you, this, this empty hole inside of you,
and that's the part of you that's yearning to be filled by what your heart wants to experience,
wants to have in the world, whether that be learning, whether that be art, whether that
be, connecting with other people, other, you know, whatever happens to be your thing.
And as long as you suppress that, you can have this whole right.
And if you're not willing to fill that yourself, you're going to try and fill it with things
outside of you.
You know, a lot of people, they'll do that by, by trying to get, you know, an expensive
car or an expensive house or collect all kinds of like weird gadgets and stuff like that.
A lot of people, especially people who come to us, when they first start working with
us, they, they have this hole that they're trying to fill up with it.
A relationship with someone who they love and you know, there's absolutely no way.
There's no way that a person, another person, other than you is going to be able to fill
you up, is going to be able to complete you.
That has to come from you.
Okay?
The relationship isn't going to complete you.
The relationship is not going to make you whole.
What's, what has to happen is you have to be a whole person first and then you can have
a relationship with someone else.
You could have a relationship with another whole person, but you can't just be expecting
someone else to complete you.
That's not fair for them and it's not fair for you.
What you need to do is you need to start small and just find one thing you can do.
Whether that's, you know, meditating for even five minutes a day.
When I was in Grad school, that's what kept me sane.
I would just meditate for five minutes a day.
I would just take a quick timeout and meditate for five minutes a day.
And it, it, it, it totally kept me sane and saved my life during my thesis.
And I don't care how busy you are, you can spare five minutes, you can spare five minutes
to meditate to, you know, write in a journal, to go for a walk to a call up, a friend to
you know, dance to, to, to do something like that.
You can, you can find little seeds and you can plant them.
And you know, as those seeds start to take root, as they start to grow, you can start
to expand them.
Because, because when someone's really busy more often than not in like probably 90% of
all cases where someone's just way too busy.
It's just a lack of priorities.
And, you know, I'm not saying that you know, you need to like let your kids starve or anything
like that.
But you know, I'd be willing to bet you don't constantly need to be there taking care of
them, monitoring them every waking moment that you're not at work.
And what I'm saying is in those brief moments of, of openness, you can fill that with what
your heart wants, what your heart wants to express.
And through that you can fill yourself up and through that you can become the best person
that you know, you can be in.
Through that, you can make that relationship work.
You can find that love that you want.
So I hope this answers your question and I hope, you can see how you can make time for
yourself, make time for active, no contact so that you can really, do your ex and yourself
a favor by bringing the best of who you are to a relationship.
Thanks.
And if you'd like to learn more about active no contact and what we talked about today,
just go to relationshipinnergame.com and sign up there.
We'll send you, all kinds of cool tips and action plans and stuff like that.
So, head over there and do that now.
Thanks.