Let's kick things off with the midterm
elections, a night so disappointing for Republicans,
Mitch McConnell is flying his jowls at half mast.
[laughter]
As of right now, there are several big races that
are still too close to call.
For instance, will Republican Adam Laxalt hold onto his lead
in the Nevada Senate race?
Will Lauren Boebert squeak one out in Colorado?
Will election denier Kari Lake accept
the results if she loses the Arizona governor's race?
Or will she try to hang whoever Arizona's Mike Pence is?
Nobody knows.
And one reason it's so hard to predict the results
is that Americans cast ballots in so many different ways.
And they all come in differently and
separately, right?
Democrats tend to vote early by mail or dropbox.
Republicans show up on Election Day or use military ballots.
And Herschel Walker votes the way he fathers
his children, absentee.
But there is one unfinished race
that's not all that close, and it's a real trip.
We are still watching proposition 122,
which appears likely to pass.
And if it does, Colorado would essentially legalize
psychedelic mushrooms.
Passing the proposition would decriminalize
personal possession right away.
And then it would allow licensed medical facilities
to administer the natural medicine starting in 2024.
Yeah, that's right.
After being one of the first states to legalize marijuana,
Colorado is now one of the first states
to legalize mushrooms.
And I think it's great.
I think it is.
Yeah, because instead of creating a drug underworld,
Colorado is bringing everything out into the open, you know?
You can legalize it.
You can regulate it.
It's like those parents who give
their kids wine with dinner.
You know?
They're just like, yeah, I'd rather they be drunk in front
of me because it's safer.
And also it's funny to watch them bumping into things.
Go, look at you, Tyler.
And I know right now--
I know right now there are some people
seeing this law going into effect, and they're panicking.
They're like, shrooms are going to be legal?
What?
And I'm like, but, hey, hey, just relax.
Relax.
Breathe.
You're going to be just fine.
Just drink more water and listen to some Enya, OK?
Enya, Enya, Enya-- it's a weird name.
I'm freaking out again!
[shouts]
But, personally, I'm all for drug laws
getting less restrictive.
And if they do officially legalize shrooms,
I'm also excited for their next ballot measure.
Why are my hands so big?
[laughter]
Now if we had more time, we could
talk about whether the acceptance
of recreational drug use can lead to increased
understanding of the therapeutic value
of psychedelics or how weird it is that drugs are
like the one illegal thing we get to vote on to make legal,
you know?
Like, why don't we legalize jaywalking, or even
better, jaydriving?
Why do the pedestrians have the sidewalks
all to themselves, huh?
But we don't have the time for any of that.
Because while the US is abandoning the war on drugs,
Ukraine is still fighting its war with Russia.
And its leader just got some really
strange military assistance.
REPORTER: The actor Sean Penn, most often
doing the unpredictable, he did it again,
this time loaning his Oscar to the president of Ukraine.
But it comes with a condition.
Video posted online shows Penn handing
the Oscar to Ukrainian President Zelensky.
He said Zelensky can keep it until Ukraine
wins the war against Russia.
Penn has visited Ukraine several times
since the fighting began last February.
If I know this is here with you,
then I'll feel better and stronger for the fight.
So great, great honor, but until we win.
When you win, bring it back to Malibu.
- Correct, great. - Yes.
OK.
[laughter]
I don't even know how to process this information.
Am I on mushrooms?
Is it happening already?
Like, I really-- I don't get it.
How does the Oscar help Zelensky fight the war?
He just wants to use it as a weapon?
I mean, if that's the case, at least give him two
so he can use them like nunchucks, like on a chain,
you know?
And it would be strange enough if he just gave him
an Oscar to help win the war.
But he wants Zelensky to return it?
That was the weird part for me.
He's like, make sure you bring this back to me.
That's a lot of responsibility.
The man is already running a war against Russia.
Now he's going to make sure that nothing
happens to Sean Penn's Oscar.
Just like air raid sirens are going off.
They're like, quickly, sir, quickly,
everyone get to the bunker.
He's like, I'm coming.
I just need to find Sean Penn's Oscar.
[shouts] He needs it back!
He needs it back!
The only way I think this could work
is if Zelensky gave the Oscar to Putin.
And then while Putin gave the acceptance speech,
the music just played him off, and then he
had to leave Ukraine. Oh, wait.
I wasn't finished.
OK, good night.
Goodbye, everybody.
I actually hope that Zelensky is
a fan of Sean Penn's movies.
Because we don't know what else happened there.
It might have gotten really awkward.
You know, Sean Penn is like, here, I want you to have
my Best Actor Oscar for Milk.
(IMITATING ZELENSKY) Yes, yes, one of my favorite film.
I remember watching it and thinking,
wow, that is lot of milk.
[laughter]
No way you can drink all that milk.
Powerful story.
Now, if we had more time, we could
talk about the other major development in the war, which
is that Russia was just forced into another embarrassing
retreat from a major Ukrainian city,
probably because they heard Ukraine
has Sean Penn's Oscar now.
But we don't have the time for that.
Because right now the one thing being
mismanaged worse than Putin's war is Elon Musk's websites.
Well, Twitter has officially debuted
it's verified blue checkmarks.
And the feature is already causing a lot of confusion.
Subscribers who pay the $8 monthly fee are now entitled
to some additional perks, namely the blue check mark
previously reserved for verified accounts.
The problem is some of those users
are using their newly-acquired verification
to impersonate celebrities and other public figures.
REPORTER: Someone pretending to be LeBron James
tweeted, I am officially requesting
a trade from the Lakers.
An account that appeared to be from the pharmaceutical
company Eli Lilly announced that all insulin
would now be free.
Meanwhile, a user impersonating George W. Bush
declared, I miss killing Iraqis.
And a fake account for Nintendo simply tweeted a picture
of Mario giving the finger.
[laughter]
Oh, no.
Because anyone can buy verification,
they're now impersonating famous people.
Who could have seen this coming?
What?
Everyone?
Wow.
Where were you guys $44 billion ago?
Look, I'm going to be honest, and I'm
going to be blunt here.
Elon Musk is running Twitter into the ground.
And it's the best Twitter's ever been.
[laughter]
Are you kidding me?
[cheering]
Fake LeBron leaving LA, Mario flipping
the bird, George Bush telling us how he really feels.
The thing is an absolute train wreck, and I'm here for it.
The only reason we know that that wasn't the real Mario
was because Mario would never flip someone the bird.
He's Italian.
Come on.
Yeah, he'd probably do this, right?
Or this.
He's like, (ITALIAN ACCENT) hey,
Koopa, tell your mother I said hello, huh?
[laughter]
But who knows?
Who knows?
Maybe all of this verified real, fake people
on Twitter chaos is actually part of Elon's plan.
Yeah, maybe this is what he's doing on purpose.
Soon, no one will a real account from a fake account.
And then he'll be like, guys, did you
see someone impersonated me and spent $44 billion on Twitter?
That was crazy.
Well, I'm just going to take my money and be on my way.
OK, bye-bye now.
Bye-bye.
Now, if we had the time, we could
discuss how this verified fiasco
isn't just hurting Twitter.
It's also damaging Tesla's stock.
Or we could definitely talk about how Rihanna just
said on Twitter that she wanted me to perform
with her at the Super Bowl.
And, no, it's not a fake account because she even asked
for my Social Security number.
But we don't have the time for any of that.
Because while Twitter is faking celebrities,
a real celebrity is in trouble for faking his life.
Vogue is suing rappers Drake and 21 Savage
for using a fake cover story to promote
their new album, Her Loss.
So back in October, Drake shared
what appeared to be a Vogue magazine cover featuring
himself and 21 Savage with the caption, "Me and My Brother,"
on the newsstand tomorrow, thanking Vogue editors
for their support.
Well, apparently, they did not like this
because the publishers-- they filed a complaint
in federal court this week, saying the stunt
was an infringement of the company's trademark.
So far, no comment on the lawsuit from Drake or
21 Savage.
Yeah, that's right.
Vogue is suing Drake and 21 Savage for $4 million
for photoshopping themselves onto the cover
of the magazine, which, to be honest,
I don't know if Vogue has a case here.
You can clearly tell that this was a fake cover.
I mean, Vogue lighting Black people properly,
this is clearly not real.
[laughter]
We'll know it's parody.
But the beef is very real.
The biggest name in magazines is
going up against the biggest name in hip hop.
That's no joke.
This hasn't happened since Tupac
got shot by Reader's Digest.
That shit was no game.
Now, just for context, this Vogue cover
wasn't the only fake promotion Drake and 21 Savage
have been doing, right?
He also released a fake interview
with Howard Stern, a fake SNL performance, a fake appearance
on NPR, like Tiny Desk, which is a little
weird because he's Drake.
He doesn't have to fake any of these things, you know?
It's so weird to me.
It's like, Drake, if you want to be on NPR,
I'm pretty sure you can be on NPR.
This would be like Obama photoshopping himself
at a Buffalo Wild Wings.
You know?
It's just like, (IMITATING OBAMA) look, Michelle,
it almost looks like I was actually there.
How cool would that be?
But, man, you're the president.
You can go to a Buffalo Wild Wings!