BURNIE: Hello everyone, and thank you for joining us for this very special episode of "A Million Dollars, But"
from RTX London
[AUDIENCES CLAPPING]
BURNIE: Joining me, a very British, Ellie Main,
And the possibly equally as British, Mr Gavin Free. ELLIE: Awesome. GAVIN: Hello!
BURNIE: Because it is a different currency here Gavin, we have decided to go with a slightly different name.
It is now called "A Million Pounds, Although"
GAVIN: A.K.A "One Million Three Hundred Twenty-Eight Thousand Five Hundred and Sixty-seven Dollars, But"
BURNIE: Alright guys, since I'm a guest in this country, why don't I do the first scenario? How about that?
GAVIN: I think that's a terrible idea.
BURNIE: Alright.
BURNIE: I will give you a million pounds, although,
any time there is a posted list of rules, you have to break every single one of them.
Or if someone is explaining the rules, you have to break the rules while they're explaining it.
You could never go to a movie again because they tell you not to talk, so you have to talk through the entire-
BURNIE: -movie! ELLIE: This is a good movie! BURNIE: Look what that guy's doing!
ELLIE: "What do you think it's gonna happen? I've seen this one, he dies."
BURNIE: Yeah, but also then you'd go to an airport, you'd see the dog that says "Do not pet me: service dog",
and you're going up to a military-trained bomb dog
BURNIE: So embarrassing. And a big part traveling is when-
BURNIE: The TSA- ELLIE: Just a suitcase full of liquid and you're just staring at them in the eye
BURNIE: That liquids and also the bomb with the fuse
[LAUGH]
BURNIE: And the round cannonball bomb with the lit fuse you have to have one of those. Grenades...
Yeah, once you get to security and you have all your bombs and knives
GAVIN: and doing the demos, inflate your life vest
GAVIN: -before you leave the plane ELLIE: You just get tackled to the ground!
BURNIE: There's really that moment in the plane ride
"We're on approach, now is the time to put away all of your large electronic devices",
like "I'm getting out all of my electronic devices!"
BURNIE: Would you take the money, Ellie Main?
ELLIE: I think I would.
[BURNIE LAUGHS]
ELLIE: I want to be so bold.
GAVIN: I wouldn't do it. I think it would drastically shorten the span of my life. ELLIE: That's true.
BURNIE: I don't think I wouldn't take it either. There's too many opportunities where it would go completely wrong.
ELLIE: I did maybe jump the gun by taking it now
ELLIE: You get a million pounds, although (That is a lot of bunce)
anytime you hear music ever, you've gotta Mary Poppins step in time. BURNIE: Oh my God.
To pop step in time is that you've gotta get everyone else involved too.
GAVIN: What if someone's in a wheelchair, Ellie? [CROWD LAUGHS]
ELLIE: That is such a Gavin thing to say.
ELLIE: He can still do the arms. GAVIN: That's a good point.
BURNIE: Well, I just thinking about, getting in an Uber,
and they're always playing music that you hate anyway- ELLIE: So good. BURNIE: -and then you're in the back of the Uber
ELLIE: KICKING THIS UP! GAVIN: It's such a bobbin' up and down beat. Like, you'd be bashing your head against the ceiling.
GAVIN: Everywhere you'll end with an headache!
GAVIN: You play music of funerals,right? ELLIE: Oh they sure do. GAVIN: So you're there... ELLIE: Oh they sure do, Gavin.
GAVIN: trying to get all the pallbearers with the coffin, "Go, come on, lads! Get involved, you miserable bastards!"
GAVIN: And they're trying not to drop the coffin.
BURNIE:Yeah, you would never be invited back to another funeral, ever. GAVIN: I mean, really it's quite easy because you just have to dance to music for a million quid.
ELLIE: But it's the most embarrassing way, like the most embarrassing times.
BURNIE: I'm gonna say yeah, I'm gonna take the one point three three million dollars.
GAVIN: I would have to take it, but I'd maybe just do a shot every morning so I'm less cringing at myself ELLIE: Just to cope GAVIN: Yeah
BURNIE:Would you take your own scenario?
ELLIE: I would absolutely take it. BURNIE: Yeah.
GAVIN: A million quid, although, all stairs in your life become escalators. BURNIE: Oh, okay.
GAVIN: And it's always going the wrong way
BURNIE: So, you don't have any options, at all?
GAVIN: You can't take the lift. If you want to change floor, you have to go against the escalator.
BURNIE: Even though I am an adult, when I'm in a basement, and I have to turn off the light, and then I run up the stairs,
and I'm imagining like Pennywise, the clown right behind me, and then on top of that
I'm on an escalator going the wrong way, but then, Pennywise would be on it too, and be like
"Fuck this!"
"Come back, Burnie!"
BURNIE: Oh, a ladder would be great! ELLIE: Would it?
BURNIE: No, but it would be funny.
GAVIN: I think it be way more difficult. Trynna change the light bulb you like
[ELLIE LAUGHS] BURNIE: Shit
ELLIE: Not like a jolly little stepping time, that's seriously annoying. BURNIE: Yeah, that's really bad.
ELLIE: I would'nt take it. BURNIE: I don't think I would take it. GAVIN: I'll take it. I could use the exercise.
BURNIE: How about if we take some suggestions from the audience at the first-ever RTX London?
BURNIE: Go ahead.
AUDIENCE 1: You can have 1 million pounds. ELLIE: That's a lotta money. AUDIENCE 1: Yes, it is, although...
... every time you say please or thank you, Mr. Blobby.. GAVIN: Christ. AUDIENCE 1: immediately tackles you.
PANELS & AUDIENCES LAUGHS BURNIE: What does he do?
GAVIN: Not doing it!
GAVIN: Are you aware of the phenomenon of Mr. Blobby? BURNIE: No.
GAVIN: Imagine like a pink, and yellow-spotted nightmare. ELLIE: Oh, he's horrific.
BURNIE: Oh, that's disgusting!
BURNIE: What is that!?
BLOBBY-BLOBBY-BLOBBY
BURNIE: Do you show it to children? ALL: Yeah
GAVIN: Kids loves 'em!
ELLIE: Someone's like "Thank you", and just in the background, you hear-
[DRAMATIC SFX] BLOBBY-BLOBBY-BLOBBY
GAVIN: What if you were in the lift or really confined space?
BURNIE: You're in an elevator with just two people, someone says, "Thank you"
You look around...
...left, not there.
Then you go back to the right and there he is suddenly in the corner.
GAVIN: Can you outrun him? ELLIE: Yeah GAVIN: Can you just- Someone says thanks and you leg it?
BURNIE: So does he tackle you and then he leaves, or can you go for a beer together afterwards?
AUDIENCE 1: Yeah, you can do what you'd like after that. ELLIE: Maybe you'd get to quite like him so anytime, come in for a hug. BURNIE: Yeah, I just wanna point out too
super inconvenient for Mr. Blobby. It affects the quality of his life as well. ELLIE: So I'll say no because of Mr. Blobby.
BURNIE: Yeah, it's because of Mr Bobby. I want to say I'll say no as well cuz I never want to meet Mr. Blobby
in person ever after what I just saw
GAVIN: He's a damn national treasure, I've gotta say.
GAVIN: Gotta say yes to the Blob. *audience cheering*
AUDIENCE 2: You got a million pounds which rumour has it is quite a lot.
But whenever you speak to someone in person you have to mimic them with an over-the-top
stereotypical voice and appearance. BURNIE: Really? AUDIENCE 2: So if you're in this country BURNIE: It'd just be the worst accent ever.
It'll be like "Oy, mate, how's it going?" And you'll be going like, "Aite mate, *weird noises*"
But we also it's important for these two especially they have to go through customs like the u.s.
Immigration, and they're like why you coming to cachi?
GAVIN: You get pulled over by a policeman, he's like "You have any idea how you- how fast you were going?"
ELLIE : "Oooh, I'm a policeman" GAVIN: "Bloody hell, I've got a bat."
ELLIE: "Right, you're going down to the station." " Oh, to the station? Oooh, lovely!"
BURNIE: Yeah, if you'd went to court, you'd be in jail.
You'd go to prison immediately!
"All rise for the judge." " Bleuh, I'm the judge, bleeeuuuh."
GAVIN: "Oh, I sentence you to life, eeuuuhhh."
BURNIE: Taking it? ELLIE: Yeah!
ELLIE: 100% BURNIE: Gavin taking the money?
GAVIN: Oh yeah, I'll take that one. BURNIE: You'll take it? ELLIE: Yeah, it's so good. BURNIE: I gotta buy some stuff. I'll do it too. I don't care.
AUDIENCE 3 (You're missing out not hearing her awesome voice btw): A million dollars, or rather quid, although.(ELLIE:Thank you) the husky deep-voiced movie announcer
narrates your entire life forever and
everyone can hear it and they can even tune into it on the radio from abroad
GAVIN: So....people could be in Australia, listening to...
"Gavin slowly unzipped his pants and took a shit." *audience laughter*
AUDIENCE 3: Absolutely. ELLIE: No, it's like, way more dramatic than that, it's like,
"Gavin slowly unzips his pants!" I think you'd go crazy, wouldn't you? You'd wake up in bed. It's like,
"He's awake!"
BURNIE: Oh wow. ELLIE: No!
AUDIENCE 3: Technically he would also be narrating your dreams. GAVIN: "Burnie was tossing and turning in bed"
"He couldn't sleep. Hours went by. He got up, had a wank"
"He hoped that would tire him out"
"But it didn't."
ELLIE: This is like in the present. It narrates in the present right? AUDIENCE 3: Yeah. ELLIE: Not in the past. So it'd be,
"Burnie is wanking....Wanking....Wanking....
GAVIN: "His arm is getting sore. He switched to the other arm. It's never as good."
"He went back to the main arm."
BURNIE: Million pounds although the rest of your life is narrated by the deep-voiced movie trailer guy.
ELLIE: I would take it if only I could hear it.
For the fact that everyone else can too...
GAVIN: Well that's not a scenario, Ellie. ELLIE: Well then no! Well then no then! GAVIN: I would take it if it wasn't a million. It was a billion
ELLIE: Shut up, Gavin. BURNIE: Gav, would you take it? GAVIN: No, wouldn't do it.
BURNIE: I would love that! That would be awesome!
AUDIENCE 3: Yes! BURNIE: I would take it in a heartbeat! AUDIENCE 3: Thank you very much!
BURNIE: Ellie.
Gavin. Thank you for being very British and joining me on this. I feel I'm
a step further down the path to becoming British myself after today. All right if you enjoyed this episode of Million Dollars
But don't forget to check out our card game at MDBgame.com. It does ship internationally
for an extra fee.
Thanks for joining us everybody
BLAINE: Hey guys, thanks for watching Million Dollars, But. If you enjoyed this episode you're probably gonna enjoy our game
We've got the MDB party game as well as expansion packs available at MDB game.com
Just click this link somewhere around here so that you can find out what you, your family, your friends would all do for a million
dollars. Hey, can you do me a favor have a great day?