Top o' the morning to ya, laddies, my name is JackSepticEye and welcome to Cloudlands VR golf!
Minigolf, to be precise.
I love minigolf in real life, I haven't played it since I was a little- a wee little babby!
But, um... (laughing)
I've had THE worst, day of recording today.
Every- Loads of things have gone wrong,
I recorded something for forty minutes, ALL the footage was corrupt,
-er, not corrupt, it was all... out of sync, so...
I was trying to figure out stuff to record, something else that-
oh, that's a cool feature!
something else I wanted to record ON the HTC Vive- I didn't actually,
tsk, it was a long story, but I don't actually have the game. Yet!
So, I had to find something else to play, so...
(sigh) to CALM myself down, we are going to play some mini-golf.
We all- we all love mini-golf, right? Everyone loves mini-golf!
Whoever doesn't love mini-golf is Satan.
Um... "Press the menu button to open the pause menu."
(quietly) What the fuck is this?
Menu button. Ooh!
Oh-kay! I get it.
"Choose a putter length and ball color."
How do I choose a ball color? OOH! Green! And... You.
Is that... is that good?
Oh-kay... oh that is good!
"Try putting the ball around. Press the trigger button to teleport to the ball."
Ah! That's actually kind of neat! Okay.
So...
Ah! That's cool!
Heh. Um... I might have to pick a longer one, though.
Is that good enough?
Uh, teleport to the ball. Okay.
Yeah, so, I'm not hunching over the entire time.
So I can actually just play like this. Poosh!
Oh! That is VERY satisfying!
There's a nice... there's a nice, like, "click" to it.
Wait, why don't I just pick the longest club,
because you fuckin'- you do this thing anyway? So it doesn't matter!
It makes no sense! "Holding and releasing the touchpad allows you to manually teleport to your chosen location."
Ah, there we go, so then you can just go... "book"!
Nice!
Okay, so. Where am I going?
Do I have to open you?
"You can look at your score card by holding the grip button."
Uh... oh-kay!
Makes sense. Okay!
"Select putter and ball..." "Settings. Change game settings." "Quit..." Okay.
Right! Here we go! Uh... book!
NICE!
I'm not playing against anyone, I'm just playing against myself.
But... sometimes, playing with yourself is the best kind of fun!
Ah ha, there's a joke there.
Um... right, we're going down here.
Oh, it's so nice and calming!
It's so- it's such a different relief from all the fuckin'... bombastic shit that I normally do in VR videos
where I'm fucking screaming all over the place.
Where am I?
I'm in my fuckin'... shelves. (laughs)
Uh... pook!
OH! Did you see that?! That's awesome!
My k- my ball flew!
Oh wait, that was just... (angrily) That was just the fucking tutorial!
I was doing awesome!
(calmer) Okay... go in there.
Go on. Go on. Yes!
Okay. We're going to play!
Let's fucking do this! Uh... One player!
Yes. "Two Players." "Practice." "Tutorials." "Four players."Uh, "One player, please.
Thank you. Uh... "Full Eighteen," no, we'll do a random nine.
"One player, random nine." Confirm.
I am not doing a full eighteen holes! Are you serious?
I don't have the time or the patience!
Right. That's cool! Okay, ah... hep!
God, I am NOT the best at golf.
I've actually... I've never played real golf.
Have any of you actually played real golf?
Like, a FULL eighteen holes golf, not MINI-golf.
Uh, mini-golf is just a piece of piss you just... (misses ball) okay. Uh...
You just smack the ball and hope for the best!
Look at that shit!
Did you see where that went? Oh... oh god.
Oh jeez- it's very chilly up here!
Hyuh!
Go!
No!
Ball no!
Come on, man!
Be a buddy! Be a buddy to Jackaboy!
Okay, we're gonna have to... think about this.
(grunts)
(shrill) What!?
I didn't know I could even do that!
How did I- fuckin' shit!
I didn't even know I could hit it out of bounds!
(grunts)
Go around. Go around. Yes!
Where are you going ball?
Oh- yeah! There he is! Hi!
Hi buddy! Why do I have a second controller? I don't even need it. Okay.
Um...
'Kay, I'm gonna hit off this...
Perfect!
What a beaut!
Okay, and then get ready. Get ready...
Are you ready?
GO!
Fuck ya!
And...
Y'ready?
Go!
Pfft.
GO!
Dammit! (laughing)
Go!
Yay!
Aw man, if that was my first shot it would've been fuckin' awesome!
And then- sh.
A hush... comes over the crowd
as Jackaboy, the king of all bosses,
(whispering) takes to the hole.
You MOTHERFUCKER PIECE OF SHIT!
(giggling)
Yay!
Eleven. That's not good... (laughing)
(clicking noise) Wh-What- what's happening?
Fucking clickety-clack in my ears, you bitch.
(laughing)
Ah... right! Um... Ooh!
Serene and peaceful!
(exhales loudly)
Can I get it out over the middle bridge?
Nope! I'm fucking- I putting backwards! That's the problem!
THIS is my right-handed way.
Crap.
Where am I? I'm afraid of smacking into shit. (sees camera) Hi! (laughter)
Ah, okay.
Ah... hyeh!
G- oh, you son of a dick.
No, don't- don't you fuckin'- don't you fuckin' dare!
Keep following the ball. Okay. Do that again.
Son of a dick! C'mere.
Do these all count as hits? Of course they fuckin' do. Okay.
Just go that way then!
Oh you... you piece of anus. (laughter)
Okay.
I'll do this.
There we go...
I don't care, about how many SMACKS I give the ball...
I'm just here, to play some fuckin' mini-golf, bro!
Just here to RELAX.
GO IN THE HOLE!
(laughter and clapping from the game)
Fourteen! All those little tippy-taps. Can I get the ball back out?
Get the ball. Get the ball!
AH! Brrrr!
(laughing)
This is fun!
(more laughter)
I'm having a good time!
Okay.
Where we goin'? Woah!
(a strange noise, like the ocean or wind rustling leaves)
What is that I hear?
Why are the clouds green? (laughter)
Okay.
Is that that making noise?
Probably. 'Kay. Go little Septiceye Sam ball!
Go, go, go. Yes!
Yes!
Yes! Where are you going?
Where are you going? Yes!
All the way!
All the way, little buddy!
Ah, so close, that would've been awesome!
Oh god, they're fans!
Ha, guys.
I know you guys are my two biggest fans,
I know I'm the best golfer the world has ever seen,
but this is getting ridiculous, aha.
I used to be a fan!
Now I'm an airconditioner.
Shit.
Go in one of them. Go in one- the middle one.
Go in!
Go in! I don't want to have to tap you again!
Fuck!
Here we go. Here we go. Go little buddy!
GO!
Wh-where'd he go? Where'd he go?
Little buddy- OH look!
I was so close!
Okay, I can do this.
Eh.
Go on.
YEAH BABY! Five shots is that a par?
What is this... hole?
Oh- Holy shit that was a birdie!
Fuck yeah!
A par was six!I got a five!
Oh, god...
Oh no...
Okay, the hole is there...
So I have to hit- this is really neat!
Oh that's not the hole, I just have to go down different levels!
God, golf is hard.
There we go... now... now I'm downstairs.
Uh... now I'm sitting on this chair!
Um...
How do I get out?
Oh, through the- through the boxes.
(gasps)
Did I do it?
Did I win?
Hey, come out.
(giggling)
No!
Don't smack my ball around!
I'll smack you around, bro!
Ah... coonk!
Go in.
Go in! (blowing loudly)
YEAH!
(laughter)
Can't believe that actually worked.
Where the fuck am I in my room?
I have to keep takin' it off because I'm afraid I'm gonna smack into shelves.
Um... aw, you got a nice little hop.
Okay. Um...
We're goin over there, so... poonk!
Not too bad, could've been worse.
Ah... poonk!
Yes!
And a... poonk!
Go in.
(laughing)
Ha, go in! more laughter)
You little green ball bitch.
(more laughter)
Um...
I have to go all the way around? What is the par on this?!
This is a par eighteen!
Good lord!
(grunts)
Okay.
(grunts)
Hehe!
(grunts)
Yes!
Here we go.
(rhythmically) Here we go, now. Ah here we go now.
(grunts)
Fuck ya little buddy!
Why are you not going the way I want ya to?
He looks like a little Sam.
I picked green for the septiceye, but then I didn't, I forgot that Sam was actually named- sorry Sam!
Oh shit, I didn't need to hit that that time!
Fuck!
Okay.
(grunts)
Shit!
I can- I'm not good at the golfers!
Okay. And... Poonk!
Where's the hole?
I see you hole!
Imma comin' for you. Imma comin' for your hole.
Hehehe.
(grunts)
That's not too bad! You've got a litte swivle-swoo, over there,
But I'll- I forgive ya! Because I like you.
OH!
THAT WOULD'VE BEEN LEGEND- wait for it-
DARY!
If I got that in!
Oh, shit.
Legendary.
Like. Milk.
(laughter)
And...
Go in- you fuckin' a-hole.
Go in!
GO in!
YES little buddy! Twenty-four shots!
Shots shots shots shots!
That was a fuckin' terrible score. (laughter)
I am bogeying all over the place!
I'm so bogey, I might as well be snots!
Hyeh!
All the way. I fuckin' followed through!
(cannon booms)
Yeah! Yeah, go in!
Go in!
AH!
(clapping)
Two! And it was a par three, another birdie!
Oh yeah, oh yeah, what's going on?
What's goin- who wants some of these moves?
Who wants some of Jackaboy?
What the FUCK are you?
Are you a trebuchet?
Oh-kay...
Go in.
YES! (cannon boom overlaps)
What the fu- It's like a pachinko machine!
Where you comin' out? Where you comin' out? Go in!
(exasperated sigh)
This whole video should just be called "GO IN." Aha.
Okay.
(exhales loudly)
Who believes in me out there?
Who believes- Where- where's the camera?
Who believes in me out there?
Are you believin' in me?
You better!
Everybody, cheer
(chanting) Jackie! Jackie! Jackie!
Here we go.
You weren't fuckin' cheering hard enough.
WHO wasn't cheering out there? I know where you live! I'll come to your house! And I will...
NOT give you ice cream!
FUCK!
I didn't even hit it!
AH!
DAM- FUCKING DAMN IT ALL!
Ah, fuckin' anyway!
Imma have to just... move my club.
Move my, move my club.
It's a six.
On a par two.
(sigh)
You know what you call that? You know what you call that?
A big ol' bag of sucking dicks!
Okay.
VISUALIZE the win.
I don't even need you!
Why- what are you even doing in my hand?
Get over there, bro.
Um, okay.
VISUALIZE the win. Just...
pook.
Okay, take a few practice swings.
Ah.
And hwa.
Fucking cables get out of my face. Get out of my life!
(grunts)
WHO SAID YOU COULD COME BACK HERE?
I thought I- NO!
I thought I told you not to come back after what you did to Cindy!
Oh.
(angrily) Oh!
Hairy molasses!
I...
HATE you!
I hate you!
God almighty!
(sigh)
I hate this.
(laughter)
(In an Irish accent) Good Jesus!
(grunts)
(laughter) You are proving to be quite difficult. Can I pick you up and throw you?
ONE hand, it doesn't fucking work!
But then... when you do the epic swing...
Like so...
You sound like Christopher Walken.
I coulda done that all that time?
I coulda just knocked you in there,
you woulda fell down anyway,
just not as far?
OHH.
Twisty giblets wrapped in...
chicken.
Eh!
YEAH! That was fuckin' cool, go in!
(cannon boom)
BYE!
(laughter)
Have a beautiful day!
Where'd you go? Yeah!
Okay.
This could be overcome with one swing.
Okay, two swings.
Okay, three swings.
Okay, four swings.
Four swings is enough!
I said that at the start! I said four swings but everyone was like, (in a high pitched voice) "No, Jack, no jack, do it in one, Jack!"
(normally) And you know what? That's too much pressure for a Jackaboy!
(loud blowing noise)
(blowing noise continues)
You fuckin'... Imma get down there, and Imma just...
(loud laughter)
That didn't even work!
(more laughter)
That was a par nine.
Oh, lord.
That little... "puck." (laughter)
Oh, this is awesome!
I'm- I'm having a good time!
Okay. How are we doing on the recording?
Because my camera turns off after a half hour.
(giggles)
Um...
Okay... go!
(acceleration noise)
Yeah!
Who fuckin' stops in the middle of a loopy-loop?
NO ONE!
Only you would, you piece of shit!
You dissapointment as a child.
WHAT?
(acceleration noise)
Okay, that's fuckin' loud in my ears you might want to give a little fucking FOREwarning before you do that shit.
Ah, maybe I should have picked a better club.
What?
I know where the ball is! You don't need to put on a big Mickey Mouse finger for me to see it!
Um...
Can I...
Can I, uh...
pick a different club?
Ah, this is better.
Now I can't hit it by accident.
All the way through- OH shit.
WHAT are those?
Whaaaat are those, yeah, remember that meme?
OH!
Fuck all you guys!
Yeah, I'll-
Don't stab me in the foot, man, that's not cool!
Okay... and... eh.
Eh! I said Eh! EH!
(screaming) AH YEAH!
(clapping)
ME!
JACK!
PROUD!
(in a deep voice and Russian accent) Jackman proud, I do best!
Okay!
(normally) I have to reorient my self at the start of each level just so I'm on the right thing.
Okay.
Phew...
Okay.
Here we go.
And...
Go!
GO!
I- I said go! When I say go, you go!
Oh, that would've been awesome!
(singing) If you love me let me...
(singing) GO!
Aw, man...
I didn't know there was more!
(grunts)
Ffffuckidoo!
Come back here.
Not in the corner!
Go out there!
Okay, and then...
POONK!
Oh, that was a "poonk" if I ever saw!
What is that shit?
That is not sanctioned! LOOK!
Where're ya puttin' the balls?!
Go back in there.
And... fall.
Here we go. And...
Poonk!
Yeah! I fuckin' brought up the thing, 'cause the stupid clicky-click on the side...
See that? See that?
That annoying yet?
Does that even show up on the capture? I have no idea.
(clapping)
Good. Good round 'a golf. Good round 'a golf, everybody.
Yeah. (imitates clapping sound)
I'm thirty-seven shots over?!
(applause)
Don't!
(applause continues)
Don't you fuckin' dare!
(applause stops) Don't ANY of you dare clap for that!
That was the most abysmal display of golf I have ever seen in my life,
and you all know it.
You all know it, you all know it!
You know who you are.
(exasperated sigh)
God, just fuckin'- just go- just go- just get out of my sight.
Back to the main menu.
God- god dangit!
I- fucked it up. Oh wait!
Oh, sorry.
My bad. I wonder could I...
Where'd ya go?
I wanted to try and knock 'im into the windmill.
He-puh!
Heh!
NICE! I'm just gonna play with myself now.
Hahaha, again.
Heh. Okay!
That was Cloudlands VR Minigolf.
That's actually, surprisingly, a lot of fun.
It's just sittin' down- or, it's just standin' around, playing a little mini-golf!
It's a bit bullshit after a while, because-
well I guess all mini-golf is, because... you're trying to, like, hit these tiny little shots
and these tiny little areas, and then it messes up and you're like, four BILLION shots over.
Only thirty- seven, it's not as bad as thirty-eight, we all know thirty-seven is better than thirty-eight.
But... that was really fun!
I- I'm glad I played that now. I might come back and play it another time,
if you guys want to see more,
and... I'll play some different courses. I might...
Should I play a full eighteen?
'Cause that was nine...
So I... I think I could play a full eighteen holes!
That would be fun!
Anyway!
THANK you guys, so much for watching this video!
If you liked it...
PUNCH that like button IN the face
LIKE A BOSS! And...
High fives all around!
(high five noises)
Well thank you guys, and I will see all you dudes....
IN THE NEXT VIDEO!
(outro music plays)
(birds chirp)
Must keep spinning. Must keep spinning, spinning, spinning, spinning.