- Thank you very much for coming out tonight
and welcome to "Live at the Apollo."
(audience cheering)
(audience applauding)
It was lovely the way I was introduced there.
It was really nice to be introduced.
It's a really nice thing to get used to in a new job,
when somebody says your name and people clap and cheer.
It's lovely.
It was a little bit weird at the doctors the other day.
(audience laughing)
Because nobody clapped.
(audience laughing)
Every time I said, "Clap,"
I think they thought that's what I had.
(audience laughing)
But I decided in January,
I think a lot of people do this in January,
decided in January to try to sort of better myself.
I'm not really bothered about losing weight,
but I quite like the idea of getting fit.
So I thought I'll get myself an exercise DVD.
Now, you know when your partner goes shopping
and they say, "Do you want anything?"
And you're supposed to say, "No."
But instead, you give them a list.
(audience laughing) I love doing that.
Sometimes I just make shit up I don't even need
just to see his face.
(audience laughing)
He looks at the list and he goes,
"What's the difference between a tangerine and a satsuma?"
Ha ha, it's a test.
(audience laughing)
And I said to him, "Could you get us an exercise DVD?"
That's what I thought I'd do, I'll get an exercise DVD.
I said, "Just like a bog standard, like a beginner's guide,
a very basic exercise DVD."
And he said, "No problem."
He came home with "Davina's Buff Your Abs."
(audience laughing)
I'm think I'm gonna have to lose three stone
before I can find me bloody abs.
(audience laughing)
So I took it back and I swapped it
for the one that I wanted, which was, you know
just "Fat Lass Has a Go," you know.
(audience laughing)
(audience applauding)
Or the sequel, "Fat Lass Tries Again."
(audience laughing)
And I watched the first few minutes and you know
how it's always a celebrity and a trainer, isn't it?
'Cause the celebrity sells the DVDs
and the trainer knows what they're doing.
And in the first few minutes,
they were both laughing at nothing, it was very unnerving.
And the trainer said to the celebrity,
"(laughs) Why don't you tell the viewers at home
what weight you were when you started this regime?"
The celebrity went, "(laughs)
When I started this regime, I was 10 stone."
(audience laughing)
I realised then that I'm aiming for a start weight.
(audience laughing)
But I like to eat. Is that so bad? I like to eat.
Sometimes I think I've got a tape worm,
but that it's just full.
(audience laughing)
But I'm trying to eat more healthily,
I had an apple the other day.
(audience laughing) Thank you.
(audience cheering) (Sarah laughing)
I'd put it in me handbag on an optimistic Monday.
(audience laughing)
And by the Thursday, there weren't any Kit Kats left.
(audience laughing)
And I was starving.
I thought, "I'm gonna have to find it."
So I looked around in me handbag and I found it.
It was prematurely bruised and battered.
It had pen on it.
(audience laughing)
But I was starving, so I peeled off the clean pantyliner
and I ate it.
(audience laughing)
(audience applauding)
And it was all right, it was all right.
It really reminded me of something I'd had years ago,
that I liked and I was like, "What does it remind me of?
I can't remember." Toffee apples.
(audience laughing)
I know we've got some recognisable faces in,
we've got Olympic medalist Colin Jackson in.
(audience cheering)
(audience applauding)
Hello, love.
See, Colin Jackson, it's all right for you,
you've got like a safety net,
'cause if things ever get tight sort of money wise,
you can just head off with your medals
to Cash For Gold, can't you?
(audience laughing)
And we've got lovely Alex and Matt from "The One Show."
(audience cheering)
(audience applauding)
You guys are on Twitter, you're both on Twitter, aren't you?
I like Twitter, give us a cheer if you're on Twitter.
(audience cheering) Loads of you.
I like it, but it can sometimes be
a little bit weird can't it?
I got a message from a fella a few weeks ago and he said,
"I've got a bit of spare time on me hands
and I don't know whether to watch some porn,
(audience laughing) or you."
(audience laughing)
(laughs) He's in!
That struck me as being a little bit odd,
because I don't know much about porn,
but from what I can gather, it's sort of fantasy, isn't it?
It's supposed to be unachievable things, you know like
having sex with two women at the same time, you know.
Or one.
(audience laughing)
It's fine, it's fine.
But I put myself firmly in the bracket of achievable.
(audience laughing)
By that laughter, so do you, you shits.
(audience laughing)
So that man's fantasy is a middle-aged,
slightly overweight woman who witters on.
Just wander round Asda, there's hundreds of me.
(audience laughing)
Look along the end of your sofa,
you might well be bloody married to one of me.
(audience laughing)
But I live alone. Give us a cheer if you live alone.
(audience cheering)
A few of you sound very happy about it. Well done.
See I live alone.
Something you might not know,
the people who live on their own,
is that you can still have breakfast in bed,
if you live on your own.
Listen up, bitches.
(audience laughing)
If I want breakfast in bed, what I do before I go to bed
is I put a Twix on the bedside cabinet.
(audience laughing)
And then when I wake up the next day,
as me eyes are focusing,
I think "There's a bloody Twix just there."
(audience laughing)
But sometimes there's just a wrapper.
(audience laughing)
(audience applauding)
I've obviously got up for a wee in the night
and gone, "Ah!"
(audience laughing)
Either that or the tooth fairy's moved
over to the dark side.
(audience laughing)
But I'm in a relationship at the moment.
Give us a cheer, all the couples in.
(audience cheering)
I've been with my fella now for four years.
The only time we ever have problems
is when it comes to present-giving time,
Christmases, birthdays, that sort of thing.
'Cause my boyfriend likes to buy me surprises
and I really don't like surprises.
Anybody else doesn't really like surprises?
A few of you, see, what we've done
is we've got a happy medium now,
is I give him a list of pre-approved surprises.
(audience laughing)
Five or six things, he's allowed to pick one.
I don't know which one it is,
so it's still technically a surprise.
It was my birthday at the end of May
and he came home a few days before my birthday
and he said, "You'll never guess what I've just done."
I said, "What have you just done?"
He said, "I've gone off list."
(audience laughing)
He said, "I'm not even sure if you're gonna like it."
I said, "Why the hell did you buy it then?
I mean, thank you."
(audience laughing)
A friend of mine who doesn't really know us very well,
she said, "Oh, that sounds like an engagement ring to me."
I said, "No, it sounds like KerPlunk."
(audience laughing)
'Cause a couple of years ago, I had really bad flu,
you know, if you've got really bad flu,
that you can't get out of bed and you just feel terrible?
My boyfriend said, "I'm gonna go and get you a present
to cheer you up."
Now I'm quite easy to cheer up,
I like flowers, I like chocolates, I'm a walking cliche.
My favourite flowers are daffodils,
which were in season at the time
and were everywhere in buckets for a pound.
(audience laughing)
Chocolate wise, I'm quite happy with the Twix or a Twirl.
You're talking one pound 60 and I'm champion.
(audience laughing)
He chose to disregard that relevant information
and he came home with something,
that he thought was entirely appropriate,
which was a Mr. Potato Head.
(audience laughing)
I still don't really know why.
But ironically, when I opened the box,
I wanted to rearrange his bloody face.
(audience laughing)
But you know when you've been together a few years,
obviously you get to know each other a bit better
and there are new things that pop up about each other,
that turn each other on and you don't know this.
These new things can pop up about each other,
that turn you on and they can pop up
in the most unusual of places, we were having a carvery.
(audience laughing) I love a carvery
and with his pudding, he got a jug of custard
and he poured the custard onto his pudding
and then he licked the spout of the custard jug
and I was genuinely aroused.
(audience laughing)
I just leaned over to him and I went,
"Get in the car.
(audience laughing)
Bring the custard."
(audience laughing)
(audience applauding)
And I've always been quite a late developer,
always have been that,
you know when you first find out about sex,
about the birds and the bees?
Give us a cheer if you found out via your family?
(audience cheering)
A few of you and what about if you found out via friends?
(audience cheering)
So quite a lot of you unaccounted for.
(audience laughing)
Do you just not know?
(audience laughing)
(laughing) I had a book, my mam bought me a book
and I've still got it now, it's a book by Claire Rayner
and it's got all of the parts of the body
and it describes puberty and in it, they call your vagina.
(audience laughing)
They call it a "baby-making hole."
(audience laughing)
Now I don't have babies and I don't have any plans
to have babies, so I can't call mine that, can I?
So I call mine my cock-cheerer-upperer.
(audience laughing)
(audience applauding)
I've always been quite cautious by nature, always have been.
I've got a friend who's got what I call
a very dangerous lifestyle.
He thinks it's exciting, but I think it's dangerous.
To me, exciting is when you start a new tea towel.
(audience laughing)
Love it, love it, (gasps)
it's all been folded in the cupboard.
No? No, just me.
(audience laughing)
Well, my friend has a very dangerous lifestyle.
He's quite open about his sexual exploits.
He said to me, "Have you ever had sex on a kitchen sink?
I've had sex on a kitchen sink."
And I said,
"No."
And I got home and I thought, "Am I a prude?"
I don't think I am, but maybe I am,
so I said to me boyfriend, "I mean, would you...
(audience laughing)
Would you like to have sex on the kitchen sink?"
I get the impression it's supposed to be
a bit more in the moment, isn't it?
Rather than just, "When you've done those dishes,
get your arse on there."
(audience laughing)
And he said, "Why would I wanna have sex in a kitchen sink?
That'd be like eating your dinner out of a shoe."
(audience laughing)
And my friend said, "Have you ever had sex on a plane?"
He said, "I've had sex on a plane."
And I said, "No."
(audience laughing)
And he said, "That's dangerous, that's exciting."
I said, "Well, I suppose it is.
But I think having a massive shit with a queue outside
on a plane is more dangerous."
(audience laughing)
And I've definitely done that.
(audience laughing)
(audience applauding)
(laughs) And from the clap, I can tell I'm not the only one.
We're all members of the Pile High Club.
(audience laughing)
(audience applauding)
Thanks for watching.
You know what would be great?
My brand new show, "Bobby Dazzler"
is out now and available exclusively
on my website, sarahmillican.co uk.
Put the kettle on and settle in.