I've only had one boyfriend in my life.
And I think it's weird too, because I'm obviously so pretty.
But...
(woman) Whoo-whoo!
Thanks. That's my mom.
[laughter]
??
Oh, no, no.
I also have to tell you that I have a thing for Jewish guys.
I love Jewish guys.
Like, you know how guys get excited when they see, like...
[laughter]
Hey.
[laughs]
[cheers and applause]
Where did you get that Spanish from?
It's because I grew up in South Texas,
and I grew up with Mexicans,
so then when I moved to New York,
I thought Jewish guys were so exotic
that I was like, "Oh, my God."
I, like, yeah!
[laughter and applause]
So I was doing an open mic, and I met this guy,
and he was a stand-up comic too.
He still is.
And we started talking, and he was really nerdy,
like, pale, black glasses, you know,
and I was like, "Yes, this guy," and...
30 minutes into the conversation,
he tells me he's Jewish, and in my, like, I'm like,
"Oh, that's cool," but in my mind, I'm like...
[imitates alarm blaring]
Like, love it, right?
I'm like, "Oh, I'm on board, right?"
It was a Jewish guy in Dallas.
It was like a unicorn, and...
[laughter]
We ended up going out on a date,
and he tells on the date that he is a part-time cop.
And I have a fear of cops,
because they tend to be not nice to me in my life,
so we went out on our first date,
and we ended up hitting it off.
We started dating.
We're, like, maybe a month into dating, right?
And we decide that we're gonna have
a romantic trip to New York.
We're gonna go on Thanksgiving, right?
And we're so excited, and I'm, like, loving it,
and the moment we started planning the trip,
he becomes Clark Griswold from
It's, like, he gets really anal.
He's like, "All right, we're gonna go traveling."
That's my Jewish accent.
And he's like, "We're gonna go traveling,
"and we need to make it easy for security,
"so don't wear any belts to set off the metal detector.
"Don't put on any shoes with laces.
"Like, save time, liquids, gels, 3 ounces,
blah, blah, blah," you know.
I'm like, "Yeah, I've flown before."
Thank you.
So then we go, and we get in line
at the security line, right?
And this guy, he's just like, "Hey, remember, man, like,
if you're wearing a belt, take off your"--
I'm like, "I get this, okay?
I'm not wearing a belt. Good."
We get in the security line.
I go through.
No problem, right?
He gets in the other line, and he walks through,
and then all of a sudden, it's like...
[makes squeaking noise]
His bag, right?
So they're like, "Whoa, whoa
There's something with the bag.
We've got to look inside the bag," right?
Looks inside the bag.
This old white guy who works at TSA is like,
"Whoa, we've got to shut security down."
Shuts security down.
They sent 200 people away to another security gate.
We don't know why, right?
This guy, the old white guy, starts swabbing the bag, right?
And it comes back positive for explosives.
Then I hear the old white guy say,
"Whoa, Nelly."
[laughter]
The guy looks at the bottom of the bag
and takes out a .40-caliber Glock.
[laughter]
I start thinking, "Oh, my God.
This is not [bleep]ing happening.
[laughter and applause]
They get the gun.
They put me against the wall.
They pad me down.
Mind you, my white boyfriend
isn't getting any of this shit.
They're like, "Oh, you brought the gun?
Brown girl, come here."
It's like, "Oh, all right."
This is weird, all right."
So after that, they have to call the police department
that he was a cop to make sure he wasn't lying.
They verify, "Hey, he's a real cop," right?
They let us go.
I go to the plane, and I think, "[bleep] this guy,
"if I never see him again.
I'm going to New York by myself," right.
He sits next to me, and the entire time,
we're just sitting like this.
I'm looking outside the window.
He looks like this. He's looking at me.
An hour into the flight,
I finally look at him and say,
"Well, at least the [bleep]ing belt didn't set off
the [bleep]ing metal detector."