I'm Italian, I'm from New Jersey.
It's nice to travel little bit,
see what's going on in the world.
Beautiful out here.
You guys got mountains and air.
In New Jersey we got the--
and we don't really have that.
But I laugh every day, folks,
and you should too.
Never hang around with people who
are always in a bad mood.
They got that constipated face
all the time.
You feel like saying,
look at yourself.
Let it out.
You want to have some fun
in your life, do what I do.
I don't know, maybe have a cocktail
and walk inside a Walmart store.
There's your entertainment, right
there.
(audience laughing)
I go to Walmart like it's a movie
theater.
That's where I go
for my entertainment.
I don't even go in there
and buy anything,
I go prepared to laugh.
I go with popcorn, candy, a lawn
chair.
I grab a seat in an aisle
and I look at people
and say to myself, my life ain't
that bad.
This is fantastic.
(audience laughing)
Come on, people.
You ever go inside a Walmart store
start buying things you didn't go
in there for?
You know Walmart plans that.
That's why it sells so many items,
because it makes you buy what you
did not go shopping for.
I went to Walmart for toothpaste.
That's all I needed.
Toothpaste.
Came out with a lawnmower,
a shotgun and a canoe.
I don't even have a lawn.
(audience laughing)
And there's weird things going on
in the stores now.
You know at some places like Walmart
you can actually see a doctor?
Just let it marinate.
A doctor works inside a grocery
store.
Who walks in a Walmart,
and all of a sudden goes,
you know what, I don't feel good.
I'm going to see a doctor here
at Walmart.
Curtis in aisle 3 by the fruits
and vegetables.
Come on, people, how do you see
a doctor who works in an aisle?
Look, what are his credentials?
He couldn't get a job
at like a clinic.
He's at the store.
I even met the doctor working
at the Walmart.
So I had to ask him, OK.
Now just picture my personality
with this question.
I says to the doctor, how long have
you been a doctor at the Walmart?
(audience laughing)
He said, "Six months."
I said all right.
Well, what did you do before you
were a doctor at Walmart?
He said, "I was a cashier."
(audience laughing)
I said, well, I think I'll get a flu
shot.
You people like being
your own cashier?
Do you like when you have to check
out your own items?
They call it self-serve.
You know what I call it?
Baloney.
Get over here and do your job.
I don't work here.
How did I walk in a shop, all
of a sudden I'm
an employee with a new career?
You ever wonder when self-serve is
going to stop?
Wherever you go,
you've got to do somebody else's
job.
You know, when you go to the airport
you got to check yourself in.
And not only do you have to check
yourself in, you've got to weigh
your bag.
Why would you weigh your bag?
What are you going
to do if your bag's too heavy,
charge yourself?
Could you imagine that?
Your bag's too heavy.
How much is it? $34.
You know what, I ain't going.
I'll let that catch up to you,
that's hilarious.
What's going to happen
in the future?
Everywhere you go, you've
got to do somebody else's job?
How are you going to feel?
You come walking in here
next weekend
and you've got to come up here
and do your own jokes.
(audience laughing)
So I say, from now on, if we have
to check out our own items,
we get 10% off as employees.
(audience cheering)
Yeah.
I want an employee discount
for doing somebody else's job,
and I have some other demands.
I want union wages and benefits.
I want benefits while I'm checking
me out.
I want benefits while I'm checking
me out in case I hurt myself
while I'm on the job.
I'll wait for you,
that is hilarious.
Anybody ever wonder what would
happen if you hurt yourself checking
you out?
Think about it.
You can't come back to work.
You're hurt.
(audience laughing)
I'll wait for you.
I'll wait all night.
That is hilarious.
Imagine going to workers' comp.
Excuse me, workers' comp.
"Yeah, I hurt myself."
What'd you do?
"Self-checkout."
How long were you on the job?
"About three minutes.
"I messed up my shoulders getting
"a 60 pound bag of dog food.
"I don't even know why I was buying
"dog food, I don't have a dog."
(audience laughing)
And I think if we work at somebody
else's supermarket,
we should get a uniform.
How about a Walmart smock?
I should get that.
Why should I get my clothes dirty?
I'll wait for you people.
This is just too funny.
I want a Walmart smock.
You ever see them?
They have them.
It says ask me how on the back.
But I want the back of mine to say,
get away from me.
(audience laughing)
And I don't have to talk to nobody.
I just turn around.
Here you go.
Get away from me.
And I want a name tag.
I want a name tag.
I want to know it's me checking out
my items.
I want to know it's me checking out
my items, in case I got a problem
with myself and I don't like
my service.
And I got to go to customer service
to complain about me.
How am I supposed
to know who I was?
I would check me out if I don't have
a name tag.
(audience laughing)
And I want to go on break.
(audience laughing)
Come on, people,
how much fun would
it be, right?
You checking out your own items,
and all of a sudden you
just tell the next guy in line,
I'm my last customer.
You got to go around.
I'm going on break.
I'm exhausted.
I've been working here for 3
minutes.
I need a break.
Now I have grapes.
I don't know how to scan grapes.
I need a price check.
Price check at self-serve.
Can I get a price check?
How about a manager?
Maybe I am the manager.
Manager.
I can't help you.
Why not?
I'm on break.
I'll wait for you.
You ever wait in line for a cashier
who really doesn't know what they're
doing?
Maybe they're new on the job,
and you went into the store
to get one item.
So you're thinking you're going
to check right out.
Express lane.
Five items or less.
And all of a sudden,
the guy in front of you
takes out a coupon from a store
nobody ever heard of.
And it ruins your entire day,
doesn't it?
And all you really want to do
is just punch him in the back
of the head.
Just one hit.
Oh, I'm the only one.
Just the Jersey people want to do
it, nobody else.
Just like a little tap in the back
of the head to let them know they're
doing something that's not right.
I just want to go like this
to another shopper.
It's from Target.
Your coupon's from a Target.
OK, you're in Walmart.
You see that red dot on your coupon?
You want to know what the dot's for?
Target.
This is blue.
For Walmart.
Now go see the doctor.
(audience laughing)
Because it causes a line,
doesn't it?
You ever see a line back up down
the aisle?
Then a manager comes over,
and he puts the light
on the register next to yours.
And now you've got to make
a decision.
Should you stay or should you go?
And everybody in the line
is looking at you like you're
the leader.
And they look at you like, what are
you going to do?
Like, I don't know.
I didn't come here for this kind
of pressure.
But now that you could be
your own cashier, you should have
seen the line I caused
at my checkout counter.
I put 100 people down the back
of the aisle.
And they're looking at me like, what
the heck are you doing?
I said, shut up, can't you
see I'm with a customer?
(audience laughing)
Then I started an argument
with myself.
You should've seen me, I got right
in my face.
(audience laughing)
It went just like this.
To me.
Excuse me, sir.
You can't use that coupon in here.
That coupon's from some other store.
I said, shut up, it's me.
(audience laughing)
I said, I don't care who you are.
I am not going to risk my job
and career at the Walmart
if you came in here with a coupon
from the wrong store.
But you don't even work here.
I said, but I do right now.
So, well, I should see a manager.
Said, how do I know I'm not
a manager?
I might even be a doctor.
(audience laughing)
And how did they know you're not
going to steal items?
Because now, you have an excuse
to walk out of the store
with something, don't cha?
And you know I'm going to do it.
Because now, you could just say,
I didn't know what I was doing.
I didn't steal it.
I didn't know how to check it.
You should have checked it.
You went to the Walmart training
camp for checkers.
I am unqualified for his career.
And I'm not wearing a name tag,
so I don't even know who I am.
(audience laughing)
So you know how I checked out
my items?
I'd scan one, steal one, scan one,
steal one.
(audience laughing)
And then, when I went walking
towards the door, some guy jumped
out.
And goes, "excuse me, sir.
"I'm security.
"I need to check your bags.'
So I said, no, you're not.
I'm security.
(audience laughing)
You're on break.
And he walked away.
(audience laughing)