YOU FEEL THAT ELECTRICITY?
IT CAN ONLY BE ONE THING, IT IS SUPER BOWL NIGHT, BABY.
THIS IS THE NIGHT WHEN ALL AMERICANS GATHER IN FRONT OF THE
TV LIKE ONE EXTENDED FAMILY TO WATCH THE PREMIERE OF "TRACKER."
TRACKER: HE'S A HUMAN AIR-TAG.
ALSO THE FOOTBALL GAME. AND WHAT A GAME IT WAS.
FOR THE SECOND TIME IN SUPER BOWL HISTORY,
WE WENT TO EXTRA INNINGS. SO I THINK WE ALL KNOW THE REAL
WINNERS WERE CBS AD SALES. IN OVERTIME, SAN FRANCISCO GOT
THE BALL FIRST AND PUT IT THROUGH THE UPRIGHTS
FOR 3 POINTS. AND BETWEEN THE TWO TEAMS,
IS THIS TRUE? THEY KICKED SEVEN FIELD GOALS
IN THIS GAME. I'M SORRY, BUT SINCE WHEN
IS FOOTBALL PLAYED WITH THE FEET?
THEN, KANSAS CITY GOT THE BALL BACK AND WOULD LOSE THE GAME
IF THEY DID NOT SCORE. YOU COULD HEAR SPHINCTERS
SNAPPING SHUT ALL OVER THE MIDWEST.
[POPPING] BUT PATRICK MAHOMES
DROVE THE CHIEFS DOWN THE FIELD FOR THIS
GAME-WINNING SCORE. RIGHT THERE, BOOM!
[CHEERING] COME ON.
FINALLY. HEY!
FANTASTIC. FINALLY SOMETHING GOOD HAPPENED
FOR TAYLOR SWIFT!& NOW, IN THE LEAD-UP TO THE GAME,
TAYLOR'S BEAU, TRAVIS KELCE, ARRIVED DRESSED LIKE
A SPARKLY TRASHBAG. ALSO BEFORE THE GAME STARTED,
HOMELAND SECURITY SHOWED A BUNCH OF COUNTERFEIT
MERCHANDISE THEY HAD SEIZED. OKAY?
WHICH IS TOO BAD, I WAS LOOKING FORWARD TO GETTING A T-SHIRT
CELEBRATING "SUPER BOWEL CHAMPS THE CANVAS CITY CHORFS!"
GO, CHORFS! THERE WAS ALSO A BIG BETTING
OPPORTUNITY DURING THE COMMERCIALS, AND IT INVOLVED
RETIRED TIGHT END AND GYM TEACHER WHOSE
SEX ED PRESENTATION HAS JUST GOTTEN UNCOMFORTABLE,
ROB GRONKOWSKI. YOU SEE, GRONK HAS BEEN
APPEARING IN AN AD CALLED THE FANDUEL "KICK OF DESTINY 2"
WHERE FANS COULD PLACE A $5 BET ON WHETHER HE WILL MAKE IT
OR MISS A FIELD GOAL. WELL, TODAY WAS THE BIG DAY.
GRONK LINED UP THE KICK AND MISSED WIDE RIGHT.
OKAY, IT'S EMBARRASSING, BUT NOT AS EMBARRASSING AS DOING
THAT IN THE HELMET THEY NORMALLY SERVE ICE CREAM IN.
WE ALSO GOT OUR FIRST LOOK AT THE TRAILER FOR
"WICKED: PART ONE." YEAH!
WHICH IS WHY AT YOUR SUPER BOWL PARTY, THAT ONE NEPHEW
WHO DOESN'T CARE ABOUT THE GAME SUDDENLY STARTED SCREAMING
AND NEEDED A MINUTE TO COLLECT THEMSELVES.
THE FIRST HALF DIDN'T HAVE A LOT OF ACTION.
IT WAS ALMOST AN HOUR INTO THE GAME BEFORE WE GOT OUR
FIRST GLIMPSE OF TAYLOR CELEBRATING A LONG COMPLETION
BY KANSAS CITY. BUT THEN THE CHIEFS IMMEDIATELY
FUMBLED AND TRAVIS KELCE WAS SEEN YELLING IN FRUSTRATION
AT COACH ANDY REID. I'M A PRETTY GOOD LIP READER,
JIMMY. PUT THAT BACK UP.
I THINK HE WAS SAYING... "YOU'RE EMBARRASSING ME
IN FRONT OF MY GIRLFRIEND! JEEZ LOUISE!"
JEEZ LOUISE? DID I GET THAT RIGHT?
EVEN THOUGH HER BOY WAS ANGRY, TAY-TAY STILL HAD FUN.
AT ONE POINT, SHE WAS CAUGHT CHUGGING HER BEER ON THE
JUMBOTRON. OKAY!
[CHEERING] HEY, PLEASE HAVE FUN, TAYLOR.
BUT PLEASE MAKE SURE YOU HAVE A DESIGNATED DRIVER FOR YOUR
PRIVATE JET. THEN THE NFL TWEETED
HER BEER CHUG, ACCOMPANIED SIMPLY WITH THE WORD "ICON."
IF THAT'S WHAT MAKES YOU AN ICON, THEN MY AUNT RITA
IS AN ICON-A-HOLIC. HI, RITA!
[CHEERING] THERE WERE, AS USUAL,
THERE WERE A LOT OF GREAT ADS. EVEN MARTIN SCORSESE
DIRECTED AN AD FOR SQUARESPACE. OR SQUARE FACE.
SCORSESE THE MOST BRILLIANT DIRECTOR TO DO A SUPER BOWL AD
SINCE INGMAR BERGMAN'S 1984 AD FOR WENDY'S.
[SPEAKING SWEDISH]
SURE. [APPLAUSE]
SVEN. THERE WERE ALSO ADS FEATURING
THE BIGGEST CELEBRITY OF ALL, THE LORD, WHO WAS FEATURED IN
TWO SPOTS FROM THE "HE GETS US" CAMPAIGN.
AND HE GETS US IS SO APPROPRIATE BECAUSE WE ALL REMEMBER THAT
QUOTE FROM THE SERMON ON THE MOUNT,
"I'LL GET YOU. I'LL GET YOU IF IT'S THE LAST
THING I DO." YOUR LITTLE DOG TOO I THINK HE
SAYS AT ONE POINT. LANGUAGE APP DUOLINGO BUCKED
THE CELEBRITY TREND WITH THIS 5-SECONDAD.
YES, IT LOOKS WEIRD, BUT HIS ASS IS NOW FLUENT
IN SPANISH. OKAY, THE SCORE WAS 10-3
AT HALFTIME WHEN WE WERE TREATED TO AN AMAZING PERFORMANCE BY
USHER. [CHEERING]
THE THEME WAS "HELP, I'M TRAPPED
IN A JACK-O-LANTERN." USHER SANG SO MANY OF HIS HITS
LIKE... WHO CARES WHAT HE SANG?
LOOK AT THOSE ABS, BABY! BARE NIPPLES AT THE SUPER BOWL
HALFTIME SHOW? CBS IS BACK, BABY!
ALL IS FORGIVEN! GREAT PERFORMANCE BY USHER.
HE WAS JOINED BY SOME INCREDIBLE ARTISTS, INCLUDING
ALICIA KEYES, LUDACRIS, H.E.R., AND LIL JON.
HOW WOULD YOU RATE YOUR PERFORMANCE, LIL JON?
>> WHAT? >> Stephen: I SAID,
HOW WOULD YOU RATE YOUR PERFORMANCE?
>> OKAY! >> Stephen: HE IS HIS OWN
HARSHEST CRITIC. [APPLAUSE]
WHAT? BUT MAYBE THE BIGGEST NEWS
FROM THE HALFTIME SHOW IS HOW LITTLE IT PAYS TO BE
IN IT, BECAUSE, WHILE IT DOES OFFER EXTRAORDINARY LEVELS OF
EXPOSURE, THE GIG COMES WITH A $0 PAYCHECK.
UH, LIL JON, YOUR THOUGHTS? >> WHAT?
>> Stephen: AFTER HALFTIME, THE GAME BOGGED DOWN
IN A SLOW DEFENSIVE BACK-AND-FORTH, BUT THE BIG NEWS
IS THAT VERIZON RELEASED AN AD FEATURING BEYONCE,
AND MOMENTS AFTER IT AIRED, SHE ANNOUNCED A COUNTRY-THEMED
"RENAISSANCE PART 2" ALBUM. WOW, THAT IS INCREDIBLE.
I CANNOT WAIT FOR THE ALBUM TO DROP.
I'M A HUGE FAN. BUT I DO HAVE TO SAY,
ANNOUNCING YOUR ALBUM DURING THE SUPER BOWL HAS REAL
"GETTING ENGAGED DURING YOUR SISTER'S BABY SHOWER"
ENERGY. NOW, THE STAKES WERE NOT JUST
HIGH OUT ON THE FIELD. THIS SUPER BOWL SET A RECORD
FOR BETTING WITH 1 IN 4 AMERICANS BETTING ON
THE GAME. TO WHICH AMERICANS RESPONDED,
"ONE IN FOUR? I LIKE THOSE ODDS!
WHERE'S THE ATM?" NO, I'M GOOD.
I'M DOING A PAYOUT. GAMBLERS ALSO BET ON THE LENGTH
OF THE NATIONAL ANTHEM, WITH AN OVER/UNDER
OF 90.5 SECONDS. NOW, TECHNICALLY,
AND I JUST FOUND THIS OUT, BETTING ON THE
NATIONAL ANTHEM IS ILLEGAL IN THE U.S., WHICH IS WHY
DRAFT KINGS AND FANDUEL ONLY ALLOWED IT FOR CANADIAN BETTORS.
HEY, CANADIANS, BET ON YOUR OWN NATIONAL ANTHEM.
AND TAKE THE UNDER ON HOW MANY PEOPLE KNOW THE WORDS.
"O CANADA IT'S BEEN ONE WEEK
SINCE YOU LOOKED AT ME!" IS THAT IT?
IS THAT IT? [APPLAUSE]
CHINESE CHICKEN YOU HAVE A DRUMSTICK
AND YOUR BRAIN STARTS CLICKING. GAMBLING ADS WERE ALL OVER
THE BROADCAST TONIGHT. ONE FOR THE SPORTSBOOK BET MGM
FEATURED VINCE VAUGHN, WAYNE GRETZKY,
AND A LOT OF TOM BRADY. YOU KNOW, AFTER HIS CRYPTO AD,
YOU GOTTA RESPECT TOM'S DEDICATION TO HELPING
YOUR UNCLE LOSE THE REST OF HIS MONEY.
IF ANY OF YOU ACTUALLY WANTED TO GO TO THE GAME, EXPERTS SAY
THIS WAS THE PRICIEST SUPER BOWL EVER, WITH SOME TICKETS
ON SALE FOR $100,000. THAT'S A LOT.
BUT, OF COURSE, THE MEMORIES WILL LAST A LIFETIME.
UNLESS YOU'RE ONE OF THE PLAYERS.
THAT YOUR TEAM NOW, IF YOU'RE UPSET...
THAT YOUR TEAM LOST TONIGHT, YOU MIGHT BE PART
OF A GROWING TREND: ANGRY FOOTBALL FANS
WHO KEEP PUNCHING THEIR TVS. THIS IS TRUE.
>> OH, MY GOD. >> Stephen: BUT I DON'T WANT MY
AUDIENCE DESTROYING THE DEVICE THEY USE TO WATCH MY SHOW.
AND YOU WON'T HAVE TO, THANKS TO OUR NEW SPONSOR.
>> SECOND AND EIGHTH ROW, INCOMPLETE.
>> IS YOUR SPORTS SEASON BEING RUINED BY A LOVED ONE WHO CAN
HANDLE IT WHEN THEIR TEAM LOSES? TIRED OF CLEANING UP SHRAPNEL,
NOT BEING ABLE TO WATCH YOUR SHOWS AND WHAT ABOUT THE COST?
THERE'S GOT TO BE A BETTER WAY. INTRODUCING THE SAMSUNG PORTABLE
TV. A RAGE RESISTANT FLAT SCREEN
THAT'S TO RAGE, SLAM, THROW FROM A BUILDING A DUMPSTER.
LEAVING YOU TO ENJOY YOUR LEISURE TIME IN PEACE.
YOU'RE DOING GREAT, HONEY! PUNCH BOWL TV WORKS NO MATTER WT
BRINGS YOU TO THE GAME. AND IT'S NOT JUST FOR SPORTS.
>> IT'S NOT A REAL REPO! PUNCH OF ALL TV SAVES YOU FROM
ADDRESSING THE ROOT CAUSE OF YOUR AGGRESSION.
THE SAMSUNG PORTABLE TV. BECAUSE YOU HAVE NO MALE
FRIENDS. >> I DIDN'T SAY THAT.
SHUT UP. THE SAMSUNG PUNCHABLE TV.
GET YOURS BEFORE THE 2024 ELECTION.
WE GOT A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU TONIGHT!
MY GUESTS ARE JOHN KRASINSKI AND RYAN GOSLING.
BUT WHEN WE COME BACK, WE MIGHT HAVE A VISIT
FROM MY OLD FRIEND JON STEWART.
STICK AROUND.