- So something that I've noticed recently
that I'm trying to come to terms with,
is that, often when I'm tired,
either people find my tired behavior offensive
or inappropriate or just unacceptable in general.
And I think that's because when I'm tired, I pow down.
I stop doing a lot of the things
that I would usually put energy into
to make myself seem more normal
or to make myself fit in easier or follow the crowd more
or basically just copy everyone else around me
so that they don't notice my behavior.
But when I'm tired, I just cannot keep up
those little things.
I just don't mean regular tired, right.
I tend to push myself to the limit
and so, when I say tired, I mean I am
at my limit and I've got no more to give
and this is reach out time now
because you're not getting any more out of me unfortunately.
So when I say offensive behavior,
I'm not talking about big things.
I'm talking about not talking as much
or not making eye contact or putting my head down on a table
or closing my eyes or not responding adequately
to someone's emotions.
All right, really really little things
that seem to have a really big effect
on the people around me.
And to try and explain why that is,
it's just because I'm overloaded, right.
I've already been overloaded by everything
and I'm not accepting new information.
It's a little bit like you've got a bucket
and it's full of sand and you keep pouring more sand in.
It's just not gonna go in.
So my lack of reaction is often interpreted as
not caring or inconsiderate or rude
or all of these things,
but really I just don't have the energy for that.
An example of this, I was out with friends
a little while back and I'd had a really big day.
It was a really fun day, but it was a really big day.
I was peaceful, I was happy, I was just tired.
I thought everything was fine until out of nowhere,
suddenly I'm being shouted at and I'm being told
that my behavior is inappropriate and I'm making people
feel uncomfortable and I should leave
and all of this really extreme stuff.
And you know, my poor overloaded brain is going
sorry, what?
What?
I thought I was just lying here.
I though everything was fine.
And unfortunately my lack of reaction
made the situation worse.
And yeah, so anyway, I've written that example out
in more detail in my written blog,
called offensive behavior when I'm tired
or something like that.
To contrast that with a positive example,
I went to my grandmother's place for Mothers Day
earlier this year and I'd had an absolutely massive week.
And from my point of view, my contribution was showing up.
I had absolutely nothing to give socially
and I was sitting a lot of the time,
I would close my eyes, I would be listening
to conversations.
I would only really respond if people spoke to me directly,
but it was fine and I was accepted and no one complained
that I was tired.
Like imagine that, when you think about it,
telling someone off because they're tired
and that they came out to your social event anyway.
In fact, I could have stayed home.
I might have rather to stay home.
Actually I wouldn't.
The ironic thing is, that when I'm tired,
I crave other people.
I wanted to relax by sitting around other people
and not having to do anything.
I can listen in on conversations.
I can respond even when I feel like it.
That's actually really relaxing for me.
The only problem or consideration,
is how other people feel about my behavior when I'm tired.
So, if you join the dots on that right,
the reason I'm tired a lot of the time,
is because I spend so much of my energy normally
modifying my behavior in all of these tiny little ways
to make sure that it's appropriate to others
and other people don't get offended by how I would behave
if they weren't around, for example.
So, it's a bit of a catch 22 because I really like people
but I don't always have the energy to do
what other people want me to do
so I can be around other people,
which is why I really appreciate the handful of friends
I have where they just accept me for who I am
in that sense and I don't need to constantly
act in any specific way for them to be happy
for me to be around them.
And that's really relaxing and that's why
I appreciate it so much.
Unfortunately, those friends are a little bit hard to find.
Well, maybe not unfortunately 'cause it makes
it more special, I suppose, the ones that I do have.
So anyway, that's the paradox of being tired for me.
I'm still trying to find better ways of dealing with that.
I guess I'll finish by saying a massive thank you
to everyone who does accept me in that state.
I can't tell you how much that means.
And thanks for watching and I will see you another time.
Bye.