>> Stephen: WELCOME BACK, EVERYBODY!
GIVE IT UP FOR JON BATISTE AND STAY HUMAN.
( APPLAUSE )
OH!
>> Stephen: JON, MY FRIEND.
HAPPY LIVE SHOW.
>> Jon: HAPPY LIVE SHOW TO YOU, TOO.
>> Stephen: HAPPY LIVE SHOW.
WE HAVEN'T DONE A LIVE SHOW WITH A LIVE AUDIENCE IN OVER TWO
YEARS, RIGHT, IN HERE.
WE DID THEM UPSTAIRS WITH A LIVE AUDIENCE, WE HAVEN'T DONE IT.
THANK YOU ALL FOR BEING HERE THIS EVENING.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) >> Jon: WOOO!
WOOO!
>> Stephen: JON, I GOT RIGHT HERE COMING UP IS SENATOR BERNIE
SANDERS TO GIVE HIS REACTION TO TONIGHT'S STATE OF THE UNION
SPEECH.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
PLEASURE, ALWAYS A PRIVILEGE.
YOU KNOW I SPEND MOST OF MY TIME RIGHT OVER THERE, COMBING
THROUGH THE DAY'S BIGGEST NEWS, AND SELECTING FOR YOU THE
FINEST, MOST TOPICAL INDIAN ROSEWOOD, SPRUCE, AND MAHOGANY
STORIES.
I THEN HAND-SHAPE AND COMBINE THEM WITH AN ABALONE
MULTI-STRIPE BACK INLAY, ADD FORWARD-SHIFTED SCALLOPED
BRACES, ANTIQUE WHITE BINDING, AND A HIGH-PERFORMANCE NECK WITH
A HEXAGON FINGERBOARD, AND FINALLY LAY IN A
TORTOISE-PATTERN PEARL PICK GUARD, AND A COMPENSATED
BONE SADDLE, TO CRAFT FOR YOU THE EXQUISITE MARTIN D-45
DREADNOUGHT ACOUSTIC GUITAR THAT IS MY NIGHTLY MONOLOGUE.
BUT SOMETIMES, SOMETIMES I SNAP AWAKE IN AN RUSTY COFFIN FREEZER
BEHIND AN ABANDONED DAIRY QUEEN OUTSIDE GALVESTON.
THEN I NAIL A 2X4 TO A CEDAR URN I STOLE FROM A FUNERAL, STRING
ON SOME BRAKE CABLES I RIPPED OUT OF A COP CAR, THEN I CUT EYE
HOLES IN A GOODWILL BAG, RIP A HIT OFF A WHIPPET, AND TERRORIZE
THE LOCALS ON THE TEXAS CHAINSAW BANJO OF NEWS THAT IS MY
SEGMENT: "MEANWHILE!"
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
IT KNOWS ALL, IT SEES ALL.
MEANWHILE, "PELOTON OWNERS CAN NOW PLAY A VIDEO GAME WHILE THEY
WORK OUT."
EVEN MORE EXCITING: THEY CAN ALSO NOT DO THAT.
( LAUGHTER )
"LANEBREAK," AND IT TURNS YOUR PELOTON SCREEN INTO AN
INTERACTIVE VIDEO GAME, WHERE "RIDERS PEDAL ALONG A FLOATING
VIRTUAL TRACK, ENCOUNTERING PROMPTS AND CHALLENGES ALONG
THE WAY."
IN OTHER WORDS, THINK 'MARIO KART' MEETS PELOTON."
"ALL RIGHT, EVERYBODY FINAL PUSH.
FINAL PUSH!
LOOK OUT FOR THE GREEN SHELLS!
LIFE IS GOING TO THROW A LOT OF BANANA PEELS YOUR WAY, SO WHAT
DO WE DO?
SAY IT WITH ME: TURN!
FUN!
THINGS!
INTO WORK!
YAY!"
MEANWHILE, A NEW PRISON IN ZURICH RECEIVED HUNDREDS OF
APPLICATIONS FOR VOLUNTEERS TO "LIVE LIKE A PRISONER" IN
ORDER "TO TEST THE NEW JAIL BEFORE THE FACILITY ACCEPTS ITS
FIRST INMATES."
THEY'RE TRYING TO MAKE THE EXPERIENCE AS REAL AS POSSIBLE.
BECAUSE THEY'RE NOT REAL PRISONERS, STRIP SEARCHES ON
ENTRY... OPTIONAL.
MIGHT WANT TO WATCH OUT FOR WHO OPTS INTO THAT.
I'LL HAVE THE STRIP SEARCH, OFFICER WITH EXTRA CAVITY.
MEANWHILE, "SCIENTISTS HAVE SOLVED THE 30,000-YEAR-OLD
'VENUS' STATUE MYSTERY."
HAVEING DISCOVERED OF WILLENDORF IS ONE OF THE OLDEST AND FINEST
EXAMPLES OF HUMANS DISCOVERING A NEW ART OR
TECHNOLOGY AND IMMEDIATELY USING IT FOR PORN.
BY THE WAY-- AND THIS IS TRUE-- YOU'LL NOTICE DOWN THRE, MY NET
WORK MADE US BLUR WHAT ONE ASSUMES ARE GENITALS ON A
30,000-YEAR-OLD FERTILITY SCULPTURE.
THAT'S BECAUSE IT'S IMPORTANT THAT CBS VIEWERS NOT BE UPSET BY
ABSTRACTED PALEOLITHIC NUDITY AFTER A RELAXING EVEN OF
MURDERED SEX WORKERS ON "CSI:VEGAS."
( APPLAUSE )
AUTHORITIES SEIZED NEARLY $3 MILLION WORTH OF METH IN AN
ONION SHIPMENT, IN WHICH THE METH WAS SHAPED INTO SMALL
GLOBES DESIGNED TO LOOK LIKE ONIONS.
NOT SURE IF YOUR ONIONS ARE METH?
IF IT MAKES YOU CRY BECAUSE OF ITS FRUMS, IT'S AN ONION.
IF IT MAKES YOU CRY BECAUSE YOU SOLD YOUR DAUGHTER'S BIKE TO A
NAME WITH NO TEETH NAMED SKEETER, COULD BE METH.
MEANWHILE, PEPSI IS INTRODUCING A BRAND NEW SODA FAVOR CALLED
NITRO PEPSI.
A FIRST-OF-ITS-KIND NITROGEN-INFUSED COLA THAT HAS A
CREAMIER AND SMOOTHER TASTE COMPARED TO TRADITIONAL
CARBONATED SOD AS.
OR AS I WILL CALL S, ARE YOU SURE YOU DON'T HAVE COKE?
CAN YOU CHECK?
NITRO!
MEANWHILE THIS FOOTAGE WENT pVIRAL OVER THE WEEKEND AND KEEP
IN MIND EVERYONE IS OKAY.
A TRACTOR TRAILER FULL OF MAIL DROVE OFF A MASSACHUSETTS
TURNPIKE RAMP AND INTO THE CHARLES RIVER."
AGAIN, THE DRIVER IS FINE-- WHICH IS INCREDIBLE.
NOT BECAUSE HE SURVIVED THAT CRASH, BUT BECAUSE HE SURVIVED
BEING IN THE CHARLES RIVER.
( LAUGHTER )
PARLIAMENT CIGARETTE FILTERS AND RED SOX FAN VOMIT.
A MAN WAS HOSPITALIZED AFTER SHOVING A AA BATTERY INTO HIS
PENIS.
WORSE, PEE PUT IT IN BACKWARDS SO HIS PENIS WOULDN'T STARTED.
WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH SENATOR BERNIE SANDERS.