-Hello, and welcome back to the captain's quarters.
It's Monday, which means my hair has had another weekend to grow,
and while I'm aiming for the Steff,
James Spader's iconic haircut from "Pretty in Pink,"
I might be backing into James Van Der Beek's
'do from "Dawson's Creek."
Now, I've never seen "Dawson's Creek."
I didn't even know it was a TV show.
I just assumed it was a meme that best exemplifies
how I feel all the time.
But my wife is a "Creek" freak
who is currently rewatching it on her phone every night in bed,
and I have one big observation
based on my introduction to the show.
The other characters say "Dawson" a lot.
Like, even when it's a two-person scene,
they start every sentence with "Dawson," and, look,
Joey, Jen, I'm not telling you how to live your life,
but he knows you're talking to him.
There is no one else in the room.
Also, Jen, everyone knows you used to live in New York City.
Let it go.
Did you watch "Dawson's Creek," Sea Captain?
-I'm Team Pacey.
-Of course you are. Now where were we?
Oh, right, the real world.
As the coronavirus pandemic
continues to spiral out of control,
a morally and intellectually bankrupt Republican Party
is squabbling over cutting unemployment benefits
for out-of-work Americans while sending secret police
to American cities and whining about cartoons.
For more on this, it's time for "A Closer Look."
And I am glad it's time because...
♪ I don't wanna wait ♪
♪♪
-We're less than 100 days away from the presidential election
and more Americans now say
that the country is on the wrong track
than at any point in Donald Trump's presidency.
We have got an out-of-control pandemic,
the worst unemployment in nearly a century,
an epidemic of racist police brutality,
and a looming eviction crisis.
But don't worry. The Trump administration
will protect your cartoons and your toys.
-He is also appalled by cancel culture,
and cancel culture specifically as it pertains to cops.
We saw a few weeks ago that "Paw Patrol,"
a cartoon show about cops was canceled,
the show "Cops" was canceled, "Live PD" was canceled.
Lego halted the sales of their Lego City Police Station.
-"Paw Patrol" and Legos make sense,
I guess, coming from a guy who loves rockets,
trucks, and Mr. Potato Dead.
Anyway, I guess we know now what Trump does
with all that free time on his schedule.
"I don't like this recycling pup, Rocky.
I think he's part of the deep state.
Kayleigh!
Kayleigh, send the secret police to Adventure Bay.
And get me some more Legos, Kayleigh.
I stuck one up my nose to stop the coronavirus.
Fauci, by the way, did you get my email about Legos up the nose
maybe stopping the virus?
Okay. I love your thoughts on that.
You're my best friend, Fauci.
You know what I call us? 'Turner and Fauch.'
I'm going to make t-shirts."
Anyway, this is where the Trump administration
and the Republican Party are at, whining about cartoons and Legos
while sending secret police to gas moms and vets
and arguing that slavery was a, quote, "necessary evil."
A sitting United States Senator said that.
At least I think Tom Cotton is a Senator.
He looks like the Confederate Slender Man.
Seriously, these guys just keep coming up with winners.
I mean, what's next?
Is Trump going to say something nice
about an alleged sex trafficker and predator
who was arrested by the FBI at a remote -- oh, yeah, yeah.
Oh, right.
They really think Americans care about "Paw Patrol" and Legos.
I guess they figure if you're out of work
and quarantining at home
to avoid the deadly virus they failed to stop,
you'll need something to keep you entertained.
"President Trump is working hard to make sure
that out-of-work Americans who lost their health insurance
and are facing eviction have cartoons
and Legos to keep them occupied.
And in lieu of the $600 unemployment benefit,
we will be sending every American some Play-Doh
and an out-of-work Tamagotchi.
And I'm sorry?
The Tamagotchi has died from the coronavirus."
The craziest part of this though is that she's wrong.
Neither "Paw Patrol" nor the Lego City Police Station
have been canceled.
In fact, "Paw Patrol" actually had to tweet
a clarification saying, "No need to worry.
'Paw Patrol' is not canceled." And that's great.
But, you know, they could also stand to be defunded a little.
I mean, that's an awful lot of tactical gear for a town
where the worst thing that ever happens is a missing chicken.
So the Trump administration got fact-checked
by a children's cartoon.
And at this point, it's not long before
Arthur shows up to a protest with a sign
that says "[Bleep] Trump."
-Seth, that reminds me,
what's a sea captain's favorite animal?
-Oh, I don't know, what is a sea captain's favorite animal?
-An arrrr-dvark!
-Sea Captain! -Ha, ha, ha!
Sorry. -So what was I talking about?
Oh, right. Children's cartoons.
The point is this is what your government was talking about
as a federal moratorium on evictions
and a $600 unemployment benefit
keeping millions of Americans afloat both expired.
And rather than rushing with extreme urgency
to extend both programs,
or, heaven forbid, make them permanent,
Republicans chose instead to dawdle
as they bickered over ways to make the unemployment program
both less generous and more complicated.
Mitch McConnell said a new stimulus deal
could take a few weeks.
Why? Just extend it now.
Jobless claims went up for the first time since March,
four million Americans who do have jobs have seen a pay cut,
12 million are facing eviction as the moratorium expires.
In Oklahoma, more than 60% of unemployment applications
haven't even been processed,
with hundreds of people sleeping in their cars
or camping outside Oklahoma's unemployment offices.
And in Ohio, the city of Columbus
has turned part of its convention center
into an evictions court.
Well, you got to give it to Trump,
he finally filled an arena.
Oh, and on top of that, nurses are wearing gowns
without openings for hands and secret police
are marching through the streets of Portland tear-gassing vets
and moms while protesters play the Imperial March
from "Star Wars."
[ Imperial March plays ] [ Firing ]
[ Bursts ]
[ Firing continues ] ♪♪
That's a pretty great troll.
Of course, if George Lucas was involved,
he'd probably add in some unnecessary CGI
and a gratuitous pod race.
So what was the president doing while the nation was crumbling?
You guessed it.
He was playing golf and smiling for photos with Brett Favre.
Cheeseheads always loved Favre,
so it makes sense that ol' cheese brain would, too.
Also, what's going on here, man?
He looks like he just crawled out of a vat at Ace Chemicals.
This is how a dog smiles
when they have their head out the window.
That's the face you make when you're trying to hold in
a fart at a funeral.
Not that I think Trump would bother trying to hold it in.
"Whoa, whoo!
Well, boy, if that doesn't wake him up, he's definitely dead."
Although in fairness, it's probably better
when Trump's golfing because then he's too busy
to whine about cartoons and Legos and statues.
This bottom-of-the-barrel culture war bull [bleep]
is the result of a political movement
that is intellectually barren and morally bankrupt.
They have nothing to run on, no policies to champion,
no achievements to tout.
So they think they can get voters
to care about statues and cartoons.
It's all they have left,
and that's because Americans know Trump has failed.
It's clear in poll after poll.
All you have do is look at one of the dozens
of other large developed countries
that have successfully suppressed their outbreaks
while keeping their economies largely intact.
South Korea had its first case on the same day as ours
and rapidly contained their outbreak.
The entirety of the EU, with a much larger population,
has an average of just 81 deaths per day while we're at 1,000.
Americans can't even go to Canada or Europe,
which means for the first time this century,
no one will take a picture trying to make it look like
they're holding up the Leaning Tower of Pisa.
Americans can plainly see that things are not just bad,
but getting worse while the rest of the world
watches us with a combination of pity and horror
and probably a little less surprise than we think.
[ French accent ] "It is so sad
what is happening to your country."
[ Normal voice ] "I know, it's shocking, right?"
[ French accent ] "Yeah, eh, shocking?
I would not use this word.
It is -- how do you say?
To be expected."
We've seen our outbreak spiral out of control
in a way that's even worse than the initial peak in April.
The White House National Security Advisor
just tested positive.
Major League Baseball has an outbreak
just days after starting its season.
We're nearing a national peak in hospitalizations.
We recorded 1,000 new deaths a day for four straight days.
And labs across the country are once again
facing long delays in testing thanks to supply shortages.
Or, as one public health official put it,
"It's like 'Groundhog Day.'
I feel like I've lived this day four or five months ago."
Except in "Groundhog Day,"
Bill Murray learned to play the piano
and became a better person.
All I've learned is that doing a late night show in your attic
is kind of like making a video will,
except I am not of sound mind.
-Sure you are.
-Thank you, talking yard sale painting.
Quarantine has lasted so long, I've come full circle
and started watching "Tiger King" again.
Gonna give Joe Exotic
one more chance to convince me I'm wrong.
If you asked me what day it is right now,
I'd say Januaugustober 67th.
The only concrete day I can picture
is the first day of school,
and I'm terrified it's not going to happen
because instead of making a plan
on how to get kids and teachers back safely,
we prioritized opening a Crunch Fitness in Gainesville.
I hope you fellas got swole enough
to make up for the fact that my kids can't count past seven.
Seriously, we should have had testing figured out months ago.
That was the whole point of flattening the curve,
to buy time for our policymakers
to get a system of testing, tracing, and isolation in place
so we could contain future outbreaks.
Remember that?
When we all kept saying "flatten the curve"?
Back when Dr. Fauci
was the one briefing the nation at press conferences
instead of chucking a ball like your grandpa used to?
"I'll go get it, Grandpa."
"Look both ways when you cross the street."
And yet, the President and the GOP
have shown zero interest in fixing the problem.
In fact, Trump is so deeply
invested in his own political fortunes
and so profoundly detached from reality,
that he still thinks it would be better
if we stop testing altogether and just let the virus
rip through the country sickening people undetected.
-I personally think it's overrated,
but I am totally willing to keep doing it.
I'm okay with it if they want to do it,
but again, it makes us look bad.
But think of it.
If instead of 50 million we did 25 million,
we don't have the number of cases.
The cases would be down.
Here would be the normally headline.
Not for me it wouldn't be.
But for anybody else, they'd say "Cases cut in half."
-For the millionth time, that's not how it works.
The headline wouldn't be "Cases cut in half."
At best, it would be something like, "Cases cut in half
but everyone mysteriously coughing for some reason!"
Second, it doesn't just make you look bad.
It is bad.
The cases are there making people sick in the real world
whether you test for them or not.
Just because you refuse to go to the dentist
doesn't mean you don't have cavities.
All we have to do is look at your face
to know you just took a swig of ice water
with a mouth full of rotten teeth.
And you can just sense their desperation
as they grasp wildly for arguments
even they must know are absurd.
Take for example White House senior policy advisor
and Edgar Allan Poe villain Stephen Miller.
[ Thunder ]
[ Witch cackling ]
-Arrgh, be gone, foul sea serpent.
To the last, I grapple with thee!
From hell's heart, I stab at thee!
For heat's sake, I spit my last breath at thee!
-Sea Captain, what did I say about Ahab references?
-Ah, well, you said don't be a Moby Dick.
What are you doing, Seth?
-I'm just waiting for everybody to finish laughing.
-Ha-ha, okay!
-As a raging pandemic spiraled out of control,
Miller went on human money clip Tucker Carlson's show
and compared the people pulling down
Confederate statues to Confederates.
-The Democratic Party for a long time, historically,
has been the party of secession.
What you're seeing today is the Democratic Party
returning to its roots.
These are mayors and governors that are saying
the Federal Law, the U.S. Constitution,
doesn't apply within the confines of our city.
And our citizens will be held at the mercy of the mob.
And the administration of justice,
the federal courthouse, will be allowed to fall under siege.
And that's what's happening right now in Portland.
-So I guess that means Stephen Miller wants
to build statues to Democratic politicians?
Cool, where do you want the Joe Biden statue?
How about on the Acela, or maybe on the debate stage with Trump?
It probably wouldn't make much of a difference,
since I'm pretty sure Biden's approach to the debates
is gonna be what's known in oratorical circles
as the statue strategy.
Just stand as still as possible
and let Trump say a bunch of crazy things
and melt down on his own.
"They want to take away your Legos, your 'Paw Patrol,'
your Beanie Babies, your 'Yo Gabba Gabba!'
But we're not going to let that happen, folks.
You can trust your very normal president."
Seriously, you're calling Democrats secessionists?
You guys are the ones protecting the monuments
of actual secessionists.
Did they not teach history at your grave robbing school?
The Confederates you're defending
were racist slavers and traders.
You should know all that.
Since you were alive for it, I'm pretty sure
when Lee surrendered to Grant at Appomattox,
Miller was there popping out of his coffin.
The GOP is totally and completely bankrupt,
both morally and intellectually, and with less than 100 days
before the election, they're desperate.
150,000 Americans have died, jobless claims are up again,
an unemployment lifeline and eviction moratorium have expired
and they're talking about cartoons.
Not only is the country in dire straits,
but all of this -- -Makes us look bad.
-This has been "A Closer Look."
-Dawson!
♪♪
-So many New Yorkers are turning to City Harvest
for help feeding their families,
and they need your support now more than ever.
If you're watching this online, you can hit the "donate" button.
Stay safe. Wash your hands.
Wear a mask. We love you.