Transcriber: Albatool Jahaf Reviewer: esra kurul
On March the 27th, 2022,
we witnessed a man’s trauma cup filled to the top and overflow
live on national television.
It was supposed to be a memorable night,
a night where a cultural icon would receive his just validation by winning
the biggest award his industry could bestow upon him.
And to be fair, March the 27th, 2022 was a memorable night.
However, not for the reasons that Will Smith initially planned.
At that evening's Academy Awards after a joke had been made at
the expense of his wife. Smith rose from his seat, took to the stage,
drew his arm back and slapped presenter Chris Rock in the face.
While those in the audience and those of us at home tried to figure out
whether or not what we saw was real or not.
Smith removed all doubt when he yelled at Rock to keep his wife’s name
out of his effing mouth.
Like clockwork, social media was quick with the discourse.
On one hand, you had people condemning Smith’s actions,
some going as far as to say that Smith had left an irreparable black eye
on black culture.
On the other hand, you had people that supported him.
People that said that they would have done
the exact same thing if someone had disrespected their wife.
And then, you have the endless jokes and memes that came from
all parts of the Internet.
But you know what I didn’t hear anyone talking about?
I didn’t hear anyone talking about the lifelong guilt
that Will Smith carries from witnessing his father continuously abuse his mother
whenever he was young, and Smith not able to do anything about it.
I didn't hear anyone talk about
the anxiety that comes from making your family decisions in the public eye.
And I didn’t hear anyone talk about the pressure that comes along with having
to maintain a near-perfect image, which is tied to your professional success.
Oh, we were quick to make fun of the situation,
but we were numb when it came to some of the potential causes of it.
And look, I know I'm using a celebrity as my example here,
but make no mistake about it.
Every day, all across the globe, we have men that are dealing with trauma,
anxiety, mental issues and stress, which, if left unchecked,
can lead to consequences like physical violence, depression,
substance abuse and self harm, including suicide,
which is one of the top killers of men under the age of 50.
So then the question becomes, well,
if all those issues lead to all of those consequences,
then why don’t men just get it together?
Well,
if you take a look at the wall of toxicity that stands between men
and mental health, you can start to understand that just get it together is
sometimes a little easier said than done.
The building of this wall begins when we’re little, when we’re young.
Little boys, they come and they sit down at the kitchen table
and they are gifted their man box.
They tear off the wrapping paper, remove the lid, look inside,
and inside we find all of the emotions that society has deemed appropriate
for the male image.
Inside, we have emotions like happiness, anger and excitement.
Missing, however, our emotions like fear, sadness and vulnerability.
These emotions are missing because somewhere someone deemed
these emotions feminine, and therefore weak.
The man box also comes with several ready-made tools.
Comments like: ‘Man up’, ‘Real Men Don’t Cry’,
and my mother’s personal favourite
‘Get your priorities straight!’
only serve to drive home the point that when it comes to the male image,
weakness is not welcome.
And so it's because of this fear of being deemed weak that it can be difficult
for us to take full advantage of a resource like therapy.
It's because of this conditioning that it can become hard for us to grasp
the tools needed to get us through life-altering events,
or the tools needed to create healthy relational communication,
or the tools to just get us through the everyday hustle.
It's because of this belief that we become afraid to ask for help.
So what do we do?
Well, we try to take care of it on our own, don’t we?
That’s right. We reach out and we grab all that trauma and all that anxiety,
we grab those mental issues and we grab that stress
and we roll it up a little ball.
We get it in that ball, and then we start to push it down, and down
and down, and then even further down,
and boy, do we think we’re doing something right.
But in actuality, what's happening is all that trauma, anxiety,
mental issues and stress are behind us,
raising up and up and up and up
and further up until one day your trauma cup overflows.
And when the trauma cup overflows, not only does it spill on us,
but it also spills on our friends, our family, our loved ones, and in some cases,
even innocent bystanders. And believe me when I tell you.
The bigger the spill, the more dire the consequences.
So what do we do about it?
How do we fix it?
How do we keep that trauma cup from overflowing in the first place?
If only there was someone that had some solutions.
Well, lucky for you, dear audience, you came to a Ted X tonight, didn’t you?
That’s right. We are at Ted X Lake State, and as such,
I have come with a few of my solutions.
I have come with some of my patented calls to action.
And these calls to action are for every single man in this room tonight.
Every single man watching from home and every single person that has
a man in their life that they love or they care about.
Call to action, number one.
We must provide the man box with regular system updates.
Emphasis on the word update. Notice how I didn't use the word replacement.
I didn’t use the word replacement because, quite frankly, I don’t think that we
really need to replace what’s already in there. Hey, sometimes anger is just
the right emotion for the right time.
But when we update something, we add features to it.
And updating the man box takes that fear and that sadness and that vulnerability
and adds it to the box to let little boys know that it is okay
to feel those emotions.
Updating the man box also takes an effect on the tools in the man box.
‘Man up’ updates to: ‘Are you okay?’
‘Get your priorities straight’ updates to: ’We can take care of this
and handle this together.′
‘Real Men Don’t Cry’ updates to: ’Real men acknowledge their emotions
and aren’t afraid to ask for help when they need it.′
When we initiate this update,
then we start to see some of those bricks in the wall loosen a little bit.
Parts of that wall start to crumble,
and when it does, we’re able to look around
and see paths to wellness that weren't initially visible to us.
Call to action number two.
We must be living, breathing exhibitions of health.
They say that all behaviors learned.
And I truly believe that as I watch my own kids grow up and evolve.
I know that there are always going to be a little set of eyes on us to learn
the lessons of life.
Therefore, fellas,
it's on us to teach and teach through our actions.
Let your son see you cry so that they understand that it’s okay
for them to do the same.
Take your issues to your fraternity brothers, so that
the younger members of the fraternity can see brotherhood as
the problem solving tool it has the potential to be.
Take your fears to your teammates on the team so that
the new recruits can see teamwork in play on and off the field.
Or rather the ice up here.
If we learn by doing, then we must do.
Call to action number three. This is the last one, and it’s my favourite because
it’s the easiest. Call to action number three.
Check on the fellas. Check on the fellas.
Check on the guys. Check on the bros.
Check on your brothers. Check on your mans and them.
Whatever you are calling your male friends, check on them.
Send them that random text message that just says: ’Hey, man,
just wanted to check in and see how you’re doing.′
If you know your friend is going through something, make that phone call that says:
’Hey, just wondering if you want to go check the game out or go get some wings
or go do anything that could give you a small distraction from
the madness that is happening in your life right now.′
Well, I tell you what, what I would not have given
for one of my male friends to pick the phone up and check on me when
I was going through my divorce.
That would have been worth more than gold itself.
So, yeah, check on the fellas, pretty easy.
Guys. When we cry, they say that we’re weak.
They say that we are less than a man.
But when we hold it in, we run the chance of bringing harm to ourselves
and to those people that we love.
The good news is, we can fix it.
And it's on us to do so. It's on us to continue to teach the younger generations.
It's on us to be the change that we want to see.
And it's on us to take care of each other.
If we're able to do these things,
then we are able to continue to push the male image down a positive path.
Now.
Y’all go ahead and get out of here.
And go check on the fellas.
Good night.
(Applause)