-Welcome, everybody.
Welcome to "The Tonight Show," everybody.
[ Cheers and applause ] At home, if you're watching --
Look at you. It is a -- It's a special night
because, for the first time since the pandemic,
our audience is no longer required to wear a mask.
[ Cheers and applause ]
♪♪
Smile! Smile!
You're on TV.
Yeah.
So, you better laugh 'cause I can see who isn't.
[ Laughter ]
What an exciting time this is.
We're maskless, fully vaccinated,
and it's officially summer.
Official. -Yeah.
[ Cheers and applause ]
It's great.
That's right. Kids are pumped that school is over
while their parents are staring blankly at a wall like,
"I thought we had more time." [ Laughter ]
Yeah, and it's not just the start of summer, you guys.
It's also Amazon Prime Day. -Hey!
[ Cheers and applause ]
That's right. That's right.
Today, instead of buying stuff we don't need,
we buy stuff we don't need at a slightly lower price.
[ Laughter ]
I don't know what an immersion blender is,
but, yeah, just look at the price on that.
How am I gonna make my coffee
if I don't have an immersion blender?
[ Laughter ]
Prime Day is actually a two-day event.
-Ooh. -Yeah, Amazon is basically
your annoying friend who plans a birthday weekend.
[ Laughter ] "You only get one day, Carl."
Yep, Amazon has deals on outdoor cameras,
digital recorders, and night-vision binoculars.
And with that much spying capability,
you're basically Amazon. [ Laughter ]
You're at least Facebook. [ Laughter ]
Some news from Washington. This weekend, Kim Jong-un
made his first statement about the Biden administration,
saying that he's prepared for both dialogue and confrontation.
[ Laughter ]
That's right. Kim Jong-un just challenged
Biden to a rap battle. [ Laughter ]
Yep, Kim Jong-un says that he's prepared for both dialogue
and confrontation. It's the same thing my aunt says
when she walks into a T.J. Maxx.
[ Laughter ]
"Let's go!"
Well, guys, the Olympics are almost here, and today,
organizers announced that venues will be at 50% capacity.
-Oh. [ Cheers and applause ]
-That's right. 50%, which means only four people
will be allowed to watch fencing instead of the normal eight.
[ Laughter ]
En garde! -Chh!
-Do they start with the hand up here?
-Sure. Why not?
Yeah. -Eventually -- I've seen this.
-Eventually, it's épée. -But does it start --
Like this, maybe? -Yeah, maybe that.
Maybe that. That looks good.
You look good like that. -I look like a fencer there.
-Yeah, a fencer of stolen jewelry.
-Just being cocky. [ Laughter ]
-You got to put a pinky out on the sword.
-Yeah, I throw the pinky out. [ Laughter ]
-You know, class. There you go.
-Class it up a little bit. -Pure class.
-Pinky out on the sword. Like that?
Maybe like that? -Yeah, like a flourish.
-Like a flour-- -Like jazz hands.
Yeah, there you go. There you go.
-This is how you fence? -Yeah.
♪♪
-That's how you fence? -Yeah.
[ Cheers and applause ]
En garde! Touché!
-Also, they also said fans aren't allowed to cheer.
-Oh. [ Light laughter ]
-Although they say that at the beginning of every graduation,
and parents are still like, "Thomas, yeah!
Whoo! Tommy, you did it!
That's my boy, Tommy!" [ Laughter ]
Soccer superstar Cristiano Ronaldo just became
the first person in the world to hit 300 million followers
on Instagram. -Ooh.
[ Cheers ] -It's a pretty big deal.
and now a lot of people are reaching out
to congratulate him. For example, Lionel Messi said,
"What an incredible achievement. Way to go!"
[ Laughter ]
Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson said,
"Congrats, pal, but watch your back.
I'm coming for you." [ Laughter ]
Then Ronaldo himself had this to say.
He said, "I can't believe it.
Thank you so much for the support."
[ Laughter ] It didn't stop there.
Remember that statue of him? -I knew it.
I knew it. -Oh, no, it didn't --
-The bronze statue of Ronaldo reached out and said...
-Really?
-"Ermagherd, yer nermber wern!"
[ Laughter ]
-Oh, no. -After that, Ariana Grande said,
"I hope I can get to 300 million soon."
And the statue of Ronaldo was like, "Mer ter!
Er werna ber perpyerler!"
[ Laughter ]
Wants to be "perpular." -"Perpular"?
-Then this plaque of Elvis Presley spoke up
and said, "Yerr! Plers ferler mer ern Ernstagrerm."
[ Laughter ]
And finally this statue of Lucille Ball said,
"Mer herndle ers @rerl-lercerlle-berl.
#Ferlerberk. #Ernflererncer."
[ Cheers and applause ] They're all very excited.
Good for him. 300 million is
nothing to sneeze at.
Listen to this. I saw that NASA is struggling
to fix a computer on the Hubble Space Telescope
that was developed in the 1980s. Yeah.
It's from the '80s, so the manual only says,
"Remove the circuit board and blow on it."
[ Laughter ]
And finally, a grocery store in Wisconsin is offering customers
color-coded bracelets to show
their social-distancing comfort levels.
Yeah, red means no contact. Yellow means elbows only.
And green means open-mouth kiss. -Oh.
[ Laughter ]
As I mentioned, today is Amazon Prime Day.
People buy a ton of products on Prime Day,
but you can't always trust the reviews.
I just want to remind everyone of that.
I read that lately Amazon had to crack down on the fake ones.
Luckily, you can usually tell when a review is fake, though.
For example, here's a bed tray table.
Here's a fake review that says,
"I love this for breakfast in bed."
The real review says, "I love feeling like
my bedroom's in a hospital." [ Laughter ]
-That's the real review?
-Yeah, like here's a pack of anti-chafing nipple guards.
[ Laughter ]
The fake review says, "Provides great protection on long runs."
The real review says, "Ripping these off
is the male equivalent of childbirth."
[ Laughter and applause ]
Next is a Teton Sports hiking backpack.
Fake review says, "A rugged backpack
that's perfect for overnight hikes."
The real review says, "It'll sit in your closet
for three years with a half eaten Clif bar
in the front pocket." [ Laughter and applause ]
-That's where I left that Clif bar.
Next up, here's an Astro gaming headset.
The fake review says, "Amazing sound.
Took my online gaming to the next level."
But the real review says, "Plays so loud, I didn't hear
my girlfriend say, I'm leaving you, Kevin."
[ Laughter ]
[ Cheers and applause ]
"He's hiding, he's hiding, he's hiding!"
Finally, here's a waterproof phone pouch.
Fake review says, "Kept my phone safe and dry
while I went in the water."
Real review says, "My phone is at the bottom of a lake,
but at least it's still working."
[ Laughter ] There you go, everybody.