>> Stephen: HELLO!
WELCOME TO A "LATE SHOW," I'M YOUR HOST STEPHEN COLBERT.
I'M THE LUCK JUST MAN ON TELEVISION.
JULIE ANDREWS IS WITH US TONIGHT.
THE PRESIDENTIAL ELECTION IS ONLY FIVE DAYS AWAY.
TO REMEMBER THIS, I WROTE IT DOWN.
BUT IT LOOKS LIKE EVERYONE'S REMEMBERING THIS YEAR BECAUSE
EARLY TURNOUT IS AT RECORD LEVELS AND ACCORDING TO
ODDS-MAKERS, THE 2020 ELECTION IS THE
MOST BET-ON EVENT IN HISTORY.
THAT, I DON'T UNDERSTAND.
ARE THE STAKES NOT HIGH ENOUGH ALREADY, THAT YOU'VE GOT TO BET
ON IT, TOO?
THAT'S LIKE YOUR SKYDIVING INSTRUCTOR SAYING:
(AS INSTRUCTOR) "BEFORE WE JUMP, ANYONE WANT TO
PLACE A BET ON WHETHER THE CHUTE OPENS?
TEN BUCKS, LET'S MAKE IT INTERESTING."
NOW, COVID-19 IS THE BIGGEST ISSUE IN THIS ELECTION, NEXT TO
DADDY ISSUES.
AND COVID CASES ARE EXPLODING ALL OVER THE COUNTRY, WHICH
BRINGS US TO TONIGHT'S INSTALLMENT OF OUR
POSSIBLY-RUNNING-'TIL-2022 SEGMENT, "CATCH A THIRD WAVE:
ENDLESS BUMMER."
LET ME WASH OVER YOU!
OH, OH, SICK!
AAAHHH!
GET OUT, GET OUT!
CURRENTLY, CASES ARE RISING IN MORE THAN 40 STATES, AND WHEN IT
COMES TO THE WEST AND MIDWEST, THE CORONAVIRUS TASK FORCE WARNS
OF "UNRELENTING, BROAD COMMUNITY SPREAD."
ALSO THE THEME OF TRUMP'S CAMPAIGN RALLIES.
AS THE CAMPAIGN DRAWS TO A CLOSE, TRUMP AND BIDEN ARE
PUSHING OPPOSING PANDEMIC STRATEGIES.
BIDEN IS PUSHING VIRAL CONTAINMENT, WHILE TRUMP IS
PUSHING YOUR GRANDMA INTO TRAFFIC.
THE DIFFERENCES ARE EVIDENT IN THEIR STUMP SPEECHES.
HERE'S BIDEN YESTERDAY IN THE SWING STATE OF WILMINGTON,
DELAWARE: >> EVEN IF I WIN, IT IS GOING TO
TAKE A LOT OF HARD WORK TO END THIS PANDEMIC.
I AM NOT RUNNING ON A FALSE PROMISE OF BEING ABLE TO END
THIS PANDEMIC BY FLIPPING A SWITCH.
>> STEPHEN: HE'S RIGHT.
WE'RE NOT GOING TO END THIS PANDEMIC BY FLIPPING A SWITCH.
WE'RE GOING TO DO IT BY PULLING A LEVER.
AND THEN FLIPPING THE BIRD.
MEANWHILE, TRUMP'S PLATFORM CONSISTS OF NOTHING BUT FALSE
PROMISES: >> A SAFE VACCINE IS COMING VERY
QUICKLY.
YOU'RE GOING TO HAVE IT MOMENTARILY.
>> STEPHEN: MOMENTARILY.
THAT'S WHAT THEY TELL YOU WHEN IT'S GOING TO BE A LONG TIME,
BUT THEY DON'T WANT YOU TO WALK OUT OF THE OLIVE GARDEN.
IN FACT, WHEN YOU CALL THE C.D.C., YOU GET THIS MESSAGE:
>> THANK YOU FOR CALLING THE C.D.C., YOUR LUNGS ARE IMPORTANT
TO US.
PLEASE REMAIN LOCKED IN YOUR HOUSE AND THE VACCINE WILL BE
WITH YOU IN THE ORDER IN WHICH YOU WERE DISEASED.
>> STEPHEN: TRUMP ASSURED HIS SUPPORTERS THE PANDEMIC IS
ALMOST OVER: >> WE'RE ROUNDING THE TURN
REGARDLESS.
NORMAL LIFE WILL FULLY RESUME.
THAT'S WHAT WE WANT, RIGHT?
NORMAL LIFE.
WE JUST WANT A NORMAL LIFE, LIKE WE HAD SEVEN MONTHS AGO.
>> STEPHEN: YEAH, I MISS THOSE PRE-PANDEMIC DAYS OF WAKING UP
TO FIND OUT WHAT COUNTRY HE HAD BLACKMAILED, WHICH PORN STAR HE
HAD PAID OFF, AND WHICH HURRICANE HE WAS THREATENING
TO NUKE.
YOU KNOW, NORMAL.
TRUMP THINKS THAT THE WAY FORWARD IS TO ACHIEVE SOMETHING
CALLED HERD IMMUNITY, A TERRIBLE IDEA WHERE THE MAJORITY OF THE
POPULATION CATCHES THE DISEASE, MILLIONS DIE, BUT THOSE WHO
SURVIVE WILL BE ABLE TO WALK AMONG US SAFELY, AS TRUMP
DEMONSTRATED WITH FELLOW SUPER-SPREADER, RAND PAUL:
>> THANK YOU.
HERE'S TO IMMUNITY!
>> TO IMMUNE PEOPLE!
(LAUGHS) ( LAUGHTER )
>> STEPHEN: YES, THE IMMUNE PEOPLE.
SUPER DOUCHES WHO DON'T CARE IF YOU LIVE OR DIE.
THEY'RE THE "ECHH MEN!" THANK YOU MADD MAGAZINE.
STRANGELY, TRUMP'S BLATANT DISREGARD FOR HUMAN LIFE SEEMS
TO BE HURTING HIM WITH THE KEY DEMOGRAPHIC OF HUMANS.
THE LATEST ABC NEWS/"WASHINGTON POST"/P.F. CHANG'S GREAT WALL OF
CHOCOLATE POLL SHOWS THAT BIDEN IS LEADING TRUMP BY 17 POINTS IN
WISCONSIN.
17?
TRUMP DOESN'T KNOW WHETHER TO BE WORRIED ABOUT THAT LEAD, OR
START DATING IT.
( "GROOVE IS IN THE HEART" ) >> HE WISHES YOU WELL
GHISLAINE!
>> STEPHEN: IT'S NOT JUST WISCONSIN.
TRUMP IS PLAYING CATCH-UP IN LOTS OF STATES HE WON IN 2016.
EVEN THOUGH TRUMP WON IT FOUR YEARS AGO, BIDEN HOLDS A 48-44
LEAD IN ARIZONA.
BUT IT'S A DRY LEAD.
ANYWAY, YESTERDAY, TRUMP HELD A RALLY IN THE COPPER STATE, WHICH
I AM BEING TOLD ARIZONA IS, AND HE RAILED AGAINST THE AUTHOR OF
THE 2018 ANONYMOUS "NEW YORK TIMES" OP-ED, SAYING TRUMP WAS
OUT OF CONTROL, WHO WE FOUND OUT YESTERDAY WAS SOME GUY.
>> HE WROTE A PHONY BOOK, WHICH IF YOU HEARD ABOUT ANONYMOUS, IT
WAS LIKE SOMEBODY THAT WAS RIGHT NEXT TO ME.
I THOUGHT IT MIGHT HAVE BEEN HOPE HICKS, WHO IS RIGHT THERE.
I THOUGHT IT MIGHT HAVE BEEN JARED.
I THOUGHT IT MIGHT HAVE BEEN MIKE LEE.
I WAS WORRIED ABOUT THE GREAT STATE OF UTAH.
I WAS EXTREMELY WORRIED ABOUT RAND PAUL.
MAYBE IT WAS RAND.
>> STEPHEN: THAT'S A WEIRD UNFORCED ERROR.
(AS TRUMP) "NOW THAT THE MYSTERY'S SOLVED,
I WANT TO MAKE IT ABUNDANTLY CLEAR: I DON'T TRUST MY
SON-IN-LAW, OR ANY OF THESE PEOPLE AROUND ME.
THEY ALL KNOW THINGS THAT, IF THEY SPILLED THEIR GUTS, I'D BE
GONE IN A MINUTE.
IT'S A NEST OF HIGHLY KNOWLEDGABLE VIPERS.
AND I AM JUST SO THANKFUL NONE OF THEM HAS A CONSCIENCE OR I
WOULD BE IN REAL TROUBLE.
TRUMP WASN'T ALONE.
HE ALSO BROUGHT SOME SPECIAL GUESTS, LIKE MINORITY LEADER,
KEVIN MCCARTHY, WHO FANTASIZED ABOUT TAKING BACK THE HOUSE:
>> I WANT YOU TO WATCH NANCY PELOSI HAND ME THAT GAVEL, AND I
PROMISE YOU THIS, I WON'T BANG HER WITH IT, BUT I'LL BANG THE
END TO THE SOCIALISM.
>> STEPHEN: KEVIN, NO ONE WANTS TO HEAR WHO OR WHAT YOU'RE GOING
TO BANG, OKAY?
WE ALSO DON'T WANT TO HEAR ABOUT YOU LICKING COMMUNISM, OR HOW
MEDICARE FOR ALL IS "GOING DOWN."
IT'S CORONAVIRUS, OKAY?
STAY HOME AND BANG YOUR OWN GAVEL.
WITH THE ZOOM OFF.
TRUMP ALSO WELCOMED UP ARIZONA SENATOR MARTHA MCSALLY.
THEY HAVE A TRICKY RELATIONSHIP.
BECAUSE TRUMP ISN'T TOO POPULAR IN ARIZONA, SHE'S BEEN HESITANT
TO FULLY ENDORSE HIM.
LET'S SEE IF HE NOTICED: >> MARTHA MCSALLY.
MARTHA.
( CHEERS ) GREAT.
GREAT, MARTHA, GREAT.
MARTHA, COME UP.
JUST FAST.
QUICK, QUICK.
FAST.
FAST, COME ON, QUICK.
YOU GOT ONE MINUTE.
ONE MINUTE, MARTHA.
THEY DON'T WANT TO HEAR THIS MARTHA, COME ON, LET'S GO.
QUICK, QUICK, QUICK, QUICK.
>> Stephen: THAT IS RUDE BUT ALSO KIND OF REFRESHING.
USUALLY, IT'S THE WOMAN WHO'S TELLING TRUMP TO HURRY UP AND
GET IT OVER WITH.
TRUMP REALLY HAS A LOT OF TERRITORY TO DEFEND, BECAUSE
"JOE BIDEN IS MAKING A LATE STAGE PLAY FOR TEXAS."
(AS BIDEN) "THAT'S RIGHT, WE'RE GOIN' FOR
IT, JACK!
EVERYTHING'S BIGGER IN TEXAS!
REMEMBER THE ALAMO...
ALSO, REMEMBER WHERE I PUT MY GLASSES-- NEVER MIND, THEY'RE IN
FRONT OF MY EYES.
ALWAYS THE LAST PLACE YOU LOOK.
COME ON!" GIVE ME SOME OF THAT BIG TOAST,
HUH?
JOE COULD GET TEXAS!
THAT WOULD BE SO UNEXPECTED, BUT SO GREAT!
LIKE IF BRADLEY COOPER AND LADY GAGA BECAME A REAL COUPLE.
WE ALL WANTED IT SO BAD!
THEY ALMOST KISSED AT THE OSCARS!
THEY COULD'VE DANCED TO "SHALLOW" AT THEIR OWN WEDDING!
COME ON, I'M OFF THE DEEP END!
THAT DEEP END LINE GOT ADDED AFTER I LEFT THE ROOM.
I LIKE IT BUT THAT CAME AS A SURPRISE.
BUT IF BIDEN DOESN'T SNAG TEXAS, THE ELECTORAL MAP COULD COME
DOWN TO PENNSYLVANIA, WHICH IS WHY TRUMP IS MAKING A HUGE
EFFORT THERE TO GET OUT THE VOTE.
I'M SORRY, I MISREAD THAT.
UH, "THROW OUT" THE VOTE.
BECAUSE, TRAILING IN THE POLLS "IN PENNSYLVANIA, TRUMP'S
CAMPAIGN IS TRYING TO MAKE VOTING HARDER."
AND IT'S ALREADY HARD ENOUGH THERE.
IN SOME PARTS OF PENNSYLVANIA, THERE'S NOSE-TO-TAIL BUGGY
TRAFFIC BEFORE YOU EVEN GET TO THE VOTING BARN.
WHICH YOU HAVE TO RAISE!
TRUMP'S TEAM IS TRYING TO STOP THE STATE FROM COUNTING ABSENTEE
AND MAIL-IN VOTES, PRESENTING GARBAGE EVIDENCE OF VOTER FRAUD
LIKE THIS.
DURING THE DEMOCRATIC PRIMARY, A MAN NAMED ADAM GOODMAN POSTED
THIS PHOTO ON INSTAGRAM, IN WHICH HE PROUDLY HELD UP TWO
MAIL-IN BALLOTS OUTSIDE A DROP BOX.
AH-HAH?
UH-UH.
BECAUSE ONE OF THOSE BELONGED TO HIS HUSBAND, STANDING OUT OF
FRAME.
NEVERTHELESS, HE SOON FOUND THAT THE PICTURE HAD BEEN INCLUDED IN
LITIGATION THE TRUMP CAMPAIGN FILED AGAINST PHILADELPHIA.
THAT'S RIGHT.
THE TRUMP CAMPAIGN IS SCANNING INSTAGRAM TO TRY TO SHUT DOWN
VOTING.
(AS LAWYER) "YOUR HONOR, AS YOU CAN SEE IN
EXHIBIT A, JUST BEFORE HALLOWEEN, THE DEFENDANT'S DOG
PUT ON A CLEVER ASTRONAUT DISGUISE, OBVIOUSLY IN ORDER TO
VOTE ILLEGALLY FROM DOG-SPACE."
FEELING ANXIOUS ABOUT TUESDAY'S UPCOMING ELECTION?
AS I AM?
WELL, YOU'RE NOT ALONE.
ACCORDING TO A RECENT STUDY, NEARLY 70% OF U.S. ADULTS SAY
THE PRESIDENTIAL ELECTION IS A SIGNIFICANT SOURCE OF STRESS.
IT'S OKAY.
JUST TAKE DEEP CLEANSING BREATHS TO FORGET ABOUT THIS ELECTION
AND START FOCUSING ON HOW MUCH CORONAVIRUS YOU JUST INHALED.
AND DEMOCRATS AREN'T THE ONLY ONES WORRIED.
ACCORDING TO ONE MENTAL HEALTH EXPERT, ALTHOUGH THE SPECIFIC
CONCERNS DO DIFFER BASED ON POLITICAL LEANING, THE FEELINGS
THAT ARE COMING UP DON'T.
WHICH IS WHY THERE'S SUDDENLY A GROUNDSWELL OF SUPPORT FOR THIRD
PARTY TICKET, PROZAC-AMBIEN 2020: MAKE AMERICA WHAT WERE
WE TALKING ABOUT AGAIN?
THAT'S WHAT'S GOING ON UP HERE IN THE OLD SQUIRREL CAGE.
OH, WAIT.
WHAT AM I READING?
WHO ARE YOU?
WHY AM I NOT IN THE THEATER?
WHAT'S GOING ON?
TWO RESEARCHERS HAVE DEVELOPED A MEASURE CALLED THE POLITICAL
STRESS INDICATOR, WHICH IS ACTUALLY HIGHER NOW THAN IT WAS
BEFORE THE CIVIL WAR.
MATTER OF FACT, WE'RE SO CLOSE TO A CIVIL WAR THAT KEN BURNS IS
ALREADY MAKING THE DOCUMENTARY: ♪
♪ >> MY DEAREST MARTHA, HOW I MISS
YOU.
I HAVE SPENT SEVEN LONG MONTHS IN MARINARA-STAINED SWEATPANTS,
UNABLE TO LEAVE MY HOUSE.
I'M PASSING THE HOURS WORRYING ABOUT UNDECIDED VOTERS IN
CENTRAL FLORIDA AND DOOM-SCROLLING ON TWITTER.
SEND NUDES, EGGPLANT EMOJI, PEACH EMOJI.
>> STEPHEN: BUT IF YOU'RE FEELING HOPELESS, THERE MIGHT BE
ANOTHER WAY TO PERK UP.
EXPERTS SAY THAT IT MAY BE MORE PRODUCTIVE TO FOCUS ON ACTION,
SHIFTING THE QUESTION FROM "SHOULD I HOPE?" TO "WHAT CAN I
DO?" WHAT YOU CAN DO IS VOTE.
AND IF YOU WANT TO FIND OUT HOW, WHETHER IT'S HANDING IN YOUR
ABSENTEE BALLOT, IN PERSON AT THIS POINT, PLEASE, OR VOTING
EARLY, OR VOTING IN PERSON ON ELECTION DAY, VISIT OUR WEBSITE
BETTERKNOWABALLOT.COM, WHERE YOU CAN FIND OUT HOW TO VOTE IN YOUR
STATE.
DO IT QUICK.
YOU ONLY HAVE FIVE DAYS LEFT.
WE'VE GOT A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU TONIGHT, JULIE ANDREWS IS HERE.
BUT WHEN WE COME BACK, BIDEN LEADS IN THE POLLS.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN?
STICK AROUND.