(Gasps)
- Did you watch Game of Thrones Kumail?
- Do you spend a lot of time moseying
in Red Dead Redemption 2?
- What's that?
- Oh, it's like...
a more violent version of Madonna's
don't tell me video.
- I love that song
♪ Gay Of Thrones Theme ♪
Oh my god, so at like first, it's like
hay gurl hay,
checking in,
everyone's dead.
As a matter of fact,
Christina Aguilera is so shaken up
after Sir Carlyle's death
she's got to give him some final parting words.
I'm so sorry,
I did not even get to sit on it once.
- It's ok, I'm dead
now I don't want anyone to sit on it.
It was the sadest marshmello roast i've ever seen,
and i've been camping with Viola Davis.
- So then at the funeral afterparty,
Christina Aguilera shows what a woke boss she is
when she gives Gendry Fluid a promotion.
- [Daenerys] You are Lord Gendry Baratheon of Storms End.
The lawful son of Robert Baratheon.
Because that is what I have made you.
(Crowd Toasting)
- But it completely backfires because
everyone is flipping their sh*t for the assistant regional manager,
Jon Snow.
They're wanting selfies, honey.
They want to get on that story honey.
Everyone just wants a little piece.
- [Tormund] What kind of person climbs on a f*cking dragon?
A madman.
Or a king!
- Let me get this straight,
Everyone wants time with Jon Snow for crashing a dragon,
meanwhile Christina has been riding a dragon
backwards and in heels for years
and she's just sitting in the corner, no body wants to talk to her?
- So then meanwhile, it's closing time over there at club Stark
and everyone is on the prowl for their
P
T
S
D
Post Traumatic Stress D*ck-ah
♪ Dance Music ♪
(Angry Grunting)
And then it's F*ck Watch 2019.
So it seems like Mr. Grace Coddington
Is finally gonna get to lay the pipes,
seal the deal,
put it in,
plug in,
make it right with
little baby Tilda Swinton,
when all of a sudden...
Fuck Watch 2019
Remix
- [Jaime] It's bloody hot in here.
- But then Jaime's, like, really nervous
because he hasn't done it
with anyone who's like
not related to him in a long time
- [Brienne] What are you doing?
- It wasn't even that he couldn't get her bra off.
He couldn't even get his bra off.
It's like, kissing, fumbling,
silence, fumbling,
but it really doesn't matter because they
end up making magical
sweet love
and Tilda gets her V Card punched with Brother D's golden fist
- And you're thinking,
finally something nice happened to someone.
WRONG!
This show is like trusting your parents to
buy you the right SNES game for Christmas
- Do you ever play Doom?
Do you remember how scary that was?
- Yes. There was a...
Yes I do play Doom.
- But also, that 007 game was also really good.
- Goldeneye
- Yes!
- What's the guy, he's a hedgehog, he runs fast?
- Sonic!
- Correct.
- The Sims.
- Um, it's like a space game
with space super soldiers,
they have armor all over their body?
They have guns?
- Apollo 13.
- That's a Tom Hanks movie.
Well, what about the game where there's like
ducks and you have to hunt them?
- Duck Hunt!
- Ah, what about the game where
blocks are falling
and if they become friends they disappear--
- Oh my god, Tetris!
- Also there's a game with soldiers
killing each other, what's that game?
- That's life, gurl,
I'm so upset, you know what i'm saying, like,
I'm so sick of it, you know what i'm saying?
Tilda is completely d*ckmatized.
- [Brienne] Stay with me.
Please.
- [Jaime] You think i'm a good man,
(Crying)
- You picked the
F*ck Boi
instead of the
Good Boi
Oh my god, I can't count the number of times
I've had sex with someone, and then they've gone to
have sex with their sibling instead.
I know Mr. Grace Coddington was the right choice,
but he did not put his best foot forward.
- [Tormund] Now which one of you cowards sh*t in my pants?
- For once in the show, the only people not getting it on
are Jon Snow and Christina Aguilera.
Her number one objective at this point
is to keep his mouth so full of snatch,
that he can't go spill the beans about the fact
that he's the heir to the throne.
- [Daenerys] I've never begged for anything.
But i'm begging you,
Don't do this.
Please.
- And Jon Snow is like,
don't worry, i'm only gonna tell three people.
My sister who fully hates you,
A cold blooded assassin,
and a time travelling telepath.
And they're not gonna tell anyone!
- [Varys] How many others know?
- [Tyrion] Eight.
- Well then it's not a secret anymore.
It's information.
- That was so triggering for me,
when I was, like, 8 years old,
my uncle Ralph told me my whole family
was going to San Diego for Christmas for our family vacation,
but he told me I couldn't tell anyone, or we wouldn't end up going.
So obviously, I had to go get all my cousins together,
and tell everyone that we were definately going to the San Diego Zoo.
Three months later,
he was like,
well we were gonna go to San Diego, but,
Jonathan told everyone, so now we have to go to the St. Louis Zoo instead
- That's so cruel!
- I know!
- Then little Gendry Fluid proposes to Baby Kill Bill
at the half time of the Clippers game.
It does not go well.
- [Arya] You'll be a wonderful lord
and any lady would be lucky to have you.
But i'm not a lady.
(Crowd Groans)
- And then it's brother time over at Gordon Biersch
when Mayor Pete and Brother D are catching up,
havin a little reunion,
when they are rudely interrupted
by Used Car Salesman slinging slurs
- [Bronn] All your c*cksucking grandsons
can ruin the family with their c*cksucking ways
- Ew, homophobic much?
I might suck all the D over the age 29 I can get my hands on,
but that does not make me a c*cksucker,
that makes me someone with good taste,
that makes me busy,
and that also makes me,
a damn Queen!
So then everyone's saying their sad goodbyes
to Jon Snow at winter camp
when we find out
he's actually a living breathing EPT test.
Two things i'll tell you right now.
You never ask a woman if she's pregnant,
and you never tell a woman she should cut bangs.
So then later,
while they're doing some fancy footwork,
maying their way to dethrone
Evil No Volume Carol Brady,
we discover Christina Aguilera
did not heed Sansa Fierce's advice
to ground her super max 737 dragons.
- Jonathan, did you see that scene of Mayor Pete
dodging CGI arrows on the boat, and think,
am I watching Game of Thrones or am I playing Shenmue?
(Arcade Beeps)
- Back at the beach at swept away,
Baby Barack is in a desperate search for Solange
but he can not find her
and that's because shes host​á​ge du jour
at Evil No Volume Carol Brady's condo.
But don't worry, it's just all a part of the festive atmosphere
Because Evil No Volume Carol Brady and Jared Let Himself Go
are gearing up for their monster reveal party.
- [Cersei] The Lion shall rule the land, the Kraken shall rule the sea
and our child shall one day rule them all.
- I don't know if she's actually pregnant, or just using it as a ploy,
Jon Snow should hug her, it's the only way to know.
- I mean,
what kind of HMO do they have where he's the only
Snow-BGYN in town?
- [Varys] He's Temperate
and measured.
- And then Christina and co are serving
Evil No Volume Carol Brady an eviction notice.
But Evil No Volume Carol Brady is like,
B*tch,
this is a rent controlled building
and over my dead body you're taking me anywhere, besides,
Baby Tom Tom added me to the lease last
fall...
(Yippee)
- And Mayor Pete tries to make nice
- [Tyrion] I beg you.
- But Evil No Volume Carol Brady goes...
- No Dice.
She's like, Don't you dare use my maternal instincts against me.
I am just as vindictive and unreasonable as
any man!
WHHHYYYYYYYYYY!!!
- If George R.R. Martin was writing on this season,
for sure, everyone would die,
and the last scene would be Ghost standing on a pile of carcasses going,
"Will someone pet me?"
- Wow, wow, wow
you are serving me some short hair Jon Snow realness.
- Hmm
thank you.
Where are...
My dragons?
Look at how cute you look!
Oh my gawddd.
Could you be any cuter?
Turn
Oh my god.