Do you guys like black people?
(cheering)
Well, then you'll love Roy Wood Jr.
with another episode of CP Time.
♪ ♪
Ah. Welcome to CP Time,
the only show that's for the culture.
Now, it's no secret
that black folks love us a good conspiracy theory,
like how rapper B.o.B. thinks the world is flat
or Mos Def doesn't think Osama bin Laden did 9/11
or how I believe that Khloe Kardashian
is O.J. Simpson's secret daughter.
(chuckles)
Oh, that O.J.,
always leaving DNA everywhere.
No wonder they call him the Juice.
But the conspiracy theories that unite all black people
are about the government.
Uncle Sam gets more blame than alcohol after a pregnancy test,
like the conspiracy theory that the government created AIDS,
which I personally don't believe.
We all know that the only manmade disease
is kidney stones.
Somebody sneaking them stones up there.
Think about it.
Then, of course, there's black folks' suspicion
that, during Hurricane Katrina,
the government blew up the levies on purpose
to flood out poor black neighborhoods
and spare the white ones.
That's right.
The government even turned water against us.
I'd expect that from racist-ass lava
but not you, water.
That's why I only shower now with Lime Gatorade.
Who can you trust?
Now, I know you white people out there-- you're all laughing.
You all think black people is crazy and gullible.
I can hear you chuckling. Oh.
"Chuck, chuck, chuck, chuck, chuck, chuck."
But this is serious, when you realize
how many conspiracy theories against us turn out to be true.
Like how black people with syphilis thought
they were being treated,
but were actually part of a government experiment.
-(audience groaning) -That's right.
The government did medical experiments on black people,
and we didn't even get any superpowers.
(laughter)
If I'm gonna have syphilis, I should also get to be
the She Hulk or Syphilis Man, or
one of the new members of The Avengers.
Fair is fair.
And what about during the 1960s
when we all said
they were trying to sabotage Martin Luther King?
And then in the 1990s, we found out
that they were trying to sabotage Martin Luther King.
They wiretapped him and released salacious transcripts
of his most intimate moments of fornication with random women.
I refuse to read a single word of that slander.
I did listen to that audio book, though.
(laughter)
Freaky deaky.
So the next time you're fixing to laugh
at a black person's conspiracy theory,
just remember we're batting about .250 on these,
which brings me to the biggest conspiracy theory of them all--
that Popeyes Chicken is a front for the CIA.
(laughter)
A ten-piece and sides for $20.
(laughter)
Those are crack prices.
But thankfully, I've been able to resist this product for years
because I know better than to ever give in to...
(gasps)
-Oh, my God. -(laughter)
Oh, my... oh, my God, they got biscuits, too.
Well, I think that's all the time we have for today.
(laughter)
I'm Roy Wood, Jr., and this has been "CP Time."
-(cheers and applause) -And remember--
for the culture.
Oh! Could you turn the lights off, please?
Turn the lights... Thank you.
Eat this in private. Mmm!
Roy Wood, Jr. , everyone.