(hypnotic flute music)
(audience laughing)
- My daughter has made my depression way more creative.
Because before my daughter, my depression was just like
hey, you know, everything you do is going to end
in annihilation and entropy so what's the point?
I'm like shit, you're right.
You win again depression.
(audience laughing loudly)
But not I got this little nugget of endorphins,
I'm like I don't give a shit,
(cartoon baby punches)
who cares, she's cool.
My depression's like shit.
I gotta find another way.
So my depression has really learned to pick its spots.
Last time it got me, it was pretty clever,
I'll give it credit.
(zips in)
It was a Tuesday, like 11 in the morning,
and I went to a grocery store near my house,
so just get that visual in your head.
It's a grocery store, 11:00 a.m. on a weekday.
There's like six other people in it.
It's basically empty.
I just went in there like, I'll walk around,
see if I need anything.
Which, if you think about it, is a very debauched
Roman emperor way to go shopping,
where you're like, I'll just walk up,
line all of your goods on parallel shelves.
I shall walk by and review them and see if anything
catches my fancy.
(wheels squeaking)
Work harder for my attention, hard pretzels,
if you want to ride in my chariot.
(hypnotic flute music)
I end up in the frozen food aisle.
I'm looking at a shelf of Lean Cuisines.
So get that visual in your head.
It's a wall, it's like the white box
with the little orange corner,
well it's the orange corner if you're getting
the Cafe Classics, and it's the green corner
if you're buying the Spa Favorites.
There's a Lean Cuisine to fit every lifestyle,
am I right, people?
It's a pretty fantastic product when you think about it.
I'm getting 25 thousand for this setup,
so if you could just bear with me.
Alright, so I'm just looking at 'em.
Oh, thai noodles with peanut sauce, okay.
Pasta primavera, meh.
And as I'm looking at all of them, Toto's Africa
started playing on the ambient music.
I don't know if it was the combination of 11:00 a.m.
on a Tuesday, Lean Cuisines, Toto's Africa.
I have never felt more peacefully, effortlessly,
joyously suicidal,
and it wasn't even despair or, if I had a gun right here,
I would have just brought it up, one smooth movement,
just like oh, they have French-crust pizza,
du-du-du-du (gun cocks)
(blood splatters)
(audience laughing)
(makes slow-mo effect)
Like if someone had been at the end of the aisle
and seen it, and the cops are like, what happened here?
It's like, he was looking at these Lean Cuisines
and then Toto's Africa, and the cop's like,
oh yeah, he killed himself, he's fine.
Yeah, he committed suicide.
We know, he's good, yeah.
Oh, he died happy just throw him on the loading dock,
he's okay.
What check for a note?
No, this is the note.
All this, the frozen food and the yeah.
He's fine, trust me.
Then something even sadder happened.
I saw a Lean Cuisine I wanted.
(angelic choral music)
You should never stand in front of a wall of Lean Cuisines
and have this thought, Oh!
That's not good, but there it was.
Mezzaluna Mushroom Ravioli, I want it.
Take if off the shelf,
I'm looking at the heating instructions on the back.
Move tray from carton.
Cut a slit in the plastic to vent.
Place it in the microwave for two and a half minutes.
Remove, peel back the plastic,
spoon the sauce over the ravioli to coat.
Replace the plastic, put it back in for two and a,
when I saw put it back in, I was like no.
(groaning and shouting)
What am I, Emeril?
I just wanna eat.
(groaning)
(audience laughing)
Then I spent what must have been six minutes of my life
looking at the backs of other Lean Cuisines
until I found one, Glazed Chicken over Rice,
which I did not want, but the instructions were
remove tray from box,
don't even cut a slit, this is 2013.
Put in the microwave for five minutes.
That's it, there's my dinner.
That's what I'm having for dinner is lack of effort.
That is what I'm going to eat, a big steaming plate
of lack of effort.
(audience applauding)
So that evolutionary track is done.
If we started off as a species
(tribal drums music)
hunting food, trapping it, killing it, rendering it,
cooking and eating it.
And that track led to me taking a tray out of a box,
putting it in a bigger box, hitting a single number,
and then going
♫ I'm gonna have glazed chicken and rice
♫ It's gonna come out and taste so so nice
♫ I'm gonna put it on a plate
♫ Maybe eat it twice when I have my
Ding, yay, okay we're done.
We are done, that's right.
Welcome to the finish line, humanity.
(eerie music over factory puffing)
(eerie theremin music)