-You know that saying--
find something you love and do it as much as possible?
Well, that's North Korea's problem is
that what they love doing is testing nuclear weapons.
WOMAN:
an advanced nuclear device.
This would make it North Korea's sixth nuclear test.
MAN:
That's an hydrogen bomb.
Stronger than the bombs dropped
on Hiroshima and Nagasaki combined.
MAN:
on to a missile that can reach the United States.
You know, the one upside is
at least they saved this until after Labor Day,
because now, we won't all be wearing our white pants
when we crap ourselves.
-I like that. I like that. -(laughter)
And that's my modeling catalog. Thank you very much.
-(laughter) -So... so this is it, guys.
The whole thing that the world has spent the last-- what--
25 years trying to prevent North Korea
from getting, now it has.
Both a missile that can reach the United States
and a thermonuclear bomb.
I mean, a bomb more powerful
than Hiroshima and Nagasaki combined.
Combined.
This thing must look like the very face of death itself.
MAN:
a peanut-shaped device.
(laughter)
Well, I mean, there's just...
There's nothing more threatening
than the phrase "thermonuclear bomb."
And then, there's nothing less threatening
-than the phrase "peanut-shaped device." -(laughter)
Like, just imagine if a guy's coming at you, saying like,
"I'm gonna kill you!" You'd be like, "Oh, no!"
"With my peanut-shaped device!"
(laughter)
"Man, get the (bleep) out of here,
"you legume-toting mother(bleep)!
-Get out of here!" -(applause)
It's not the same.
(applause and cheering)
Now, coming after multiple warnings from The White House
to cut the (bleep) out,
North Korea new nuclear test was a huge provocation,
and the Trump team got bigly provocated.
MAN:
the U.S. urging tougher diplomacy,
and charging that Kim Jong-un
is pushing the world toward conflict.
His abusive use of missiles
and his nuclear threats show that he is begging for war.
We are not looking to the total annihilation of a country,
namely North Korea,
but, as I said, we have many options to do so.
Thank you very much, ladies and gentlemen.
Wow. Now I see why they call you "Mad Dog."
(laughter)
We don't want to annihilate you,
but we have many options to do so?
-Thank you very much? -(laughter)
That's the most gangster way to say we're not going to war?
"I don't want to rearrange your face.
"I'm just saying, your nose could be in a lot of places.
Thank you very much."
(applause)
But, still... but, still, look, there's no need to freak out.
That's just the United Nations person
and, uh, the Pentagon guy.
The real time to panic is when you hear saber rattling
from the commander-in-chief.
So I guess what I'm saying is.... panic.
We'll see?
Dude, you don't Ryan Seacrest nuclear war.
What are you doing?!
Will the planet be consumed in a radioactive hellfire,
or will Fantasia take home this season's crown?
We'll see.
(applause)
Like, that's my problem.
Like, that's such a signature move from Donald Trump.
When he doesn't know an answer--
I don't know if you noticed this--
he tries to play it off like he's actually in total control
and just keeping us in suspense.
Like, "We'll see" in Trump talk means
"I'll see because I have no idea. I'll see."
-(laughter) -That's what he says.
Like, I wish I knew of this technique when I was in school.
"Uh, Mr. Noah, what is the square root of 64?"
-"We'll see." -(laughter)
"No? No? All right, I don't know. I don't know."
To be fair, though, to be fair, though,
we can't really blame Trump
for not knowing what to do about North Korea,
because the truth is, nobody knows what to do, right?
President Obama even warned Donald Trump.
He said that this would be
the hardest challenge of his presidency.
Now, granted, that was before we learned
that Trump doesn't know how to spell,
but still, Obama knew, all right?
It would be hard for anyone, it would be hard for anyone,
not least because we have no idea
of what Kim Jong-un actually wants.
From all of this. We don't know.
So it's impossible to know what a solution would be.
But even then, but even then...
the president's approach took people by surprise.
NEWSMAN:
but also U.S. ally, South Korea,
for not being tough enough.
"Their talk of appeasement with North Korea will not work,"
he tweeted.
"They only understand one thing."
NEWSWOMAN:
to withdraw the United States
from its free trade deal with South Korea.
NEWSMAN:
"stopping all trade with any country
doing business with North Korea."
But that would include China,
which happens to be
Man, Donald Trump is a genius, people.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, because anyone can threaten an enemy,
but threatening the two countries
he needs most to have on his side right now?
That's genius. Trump is basically the guy in prison
who proves he shouldn't be messed with
by shanking his own friends-- that's who he is.
"You wanna go, North Korea? You wanna go?
"Well, check this out. China! Mexico! Aah!
"That's right, that's right, I stabbed China and Mexico
"and South Korea, too!
"I'm loco, baby!
"I'm loco!
You can't mess with me, man!"
(applause)
It's genius. It's genius.
By attacking America's allies,
Trump will terrify North Korea into backing down.
Or...
Which one is it?
We'll see.