Disclaimer (pause to read):
How to Deal With Unworkability
You'd be hard-pressed to find something
that makes people feel more powerless than being in a situation
where they need somebody to change something,
but that specific someone is being unworkable
relative to that specific change.
Let's define unworkability as someone or something
being so rigid in the way it is
that a change or improvement will not happen
no matter how needed that change might be.
This automatically makes other people feel angry.
Anger is almost always about the perception of unworkability.
It also causes people to feel like the situation is futile.
So that you can understand unworkability
I'm gonna give you two examples;
The first example is a man who keeps breaking his word.
The other people in his social group
have reflected to him that this is a big problem
for them and for him
so many times, they're blue in the face.
They're so desperate at this point
they're begging him to go see a therapist.
No matter how many times this becomes a issue
that leads to conflict,
no matter how many times they talk about it,
nothing ever changes.
All that ever happens
is that he keeps breaking his word
and he keeps coming up with excuses
as to why he's justified in doing it.
The second example is
that a man wants his girlfriend to really commit to him
and to commit to the relationship,
but every single time she has the opportunity
to "show up" for him in the relationship,
she flakes on him.
For example, when he received an award at a company party
that he had to give a public speech at,
she promised she would be there to support him,
but she canceled last minute.
When he invited her to have dinner with his family,
she showed up drunk.
When he tries to solve relationship problems by talking to her,
she often says she's too tired and falls asleep during the talk.
No matter how many times they talk about it
or fight about it,
no matter how many ways they try to fix the problem
or how many times she promises that she's gonna be different,
it never changes.
She keeps being uncommitted in the relationship
and he thinks maybe she never will be committed.
There are also things that are "unworkable"
that are less about a person being defiantly unwilling
to change some pattern
that is harming themselves or other people;
I'm gonna give you some examples here:
The first example is,
Let's imagine that a man gets into a horrible car accident
and ends up paralyzed.
His wife ends up desperate
because she feels like in his state
he can't protect the family anymore.
On top of that, she's already overwhelmed
taking care of the kids as is.
To have to take care of him, now too,
in this disabled state
pushes her right over the edge.
She's desperate for it to change.
However, this condition
in this case, is unworkable.
No matter how much she wants it to happen,
he will never walk again.
Or for example,
a woman gets into a relationship with an actor
because he has to be on set for movies
sometimes he's gone for months on end.
Now, this makes her feel abandoned.
She's pretty desperate for him to quit this job
and to start a life with her where she is.
Because she's not allowed to follow him on set.
The problem is, this is unworkable.
Because his passion is acting in movies,
which means he has to be on set.
This, non-negotiable, shall we call it
is and should be unworkable.
When people feel like a situation is futile
and therefore, needed change is impossible
especially when there's some personal negative impact
that will come as a result of that futility,
they tend to feel like they've lost their free will,
and personal power in the situation.
They often slip into despair
because they then feel
like they will simply have to put up with pain, or leave.
For this reason, I'm gonna tell you
how to deal with unworkability.
#1.
You must call out and draw attention to the unworkability
in and of itself.
Unworkability is the ultimate form of resistance.
And remember the rule of thumb is
you must deal with the resistance first,
before you deal with anything else.
Instead of directly dealing with whatever it is
that the person is being unworkable about,
draw their attention to the fact that they're being unworkable
in and of itself.
This unworkability is like a solid rigid layer
that is sitting on top of whatever is proving to be unworkable.
An example of doing this,
is say that you were interacting with somebody
who's being completely unworkable
relative to an opinion that they may be holding.
Instead of arguing
what that exact opinion is,
draw their attention to the fact that they are being unworkable
relative to their opinion.
#2. From there,
help the person become aware
or maybe if it's you, help yourself become aware
of what the negative consequences
of that unworkability factor, might be.
Consequences that are negative for you,
consequences that are negative for them,
consequences that are negative for anything else
or any other person involved.
Drawing somebody's conscious awareness
directly to their unworkability,
is like drawing a high-intensity light beam
to a block of ice.
That unworkability begins to melt.
Three, work together to figure out what positive purpose
the unworkability itself serves
and what positive purpose
whatever is being unworkable serves.
There are two things you have to understand;
The first, is that if somebody is being unworkable
they believe, even at a subconscious level,
that that unworkability
is doing something beneficial for them.
It's serving or helping them
or protecting them in some way.
You must also understand
that if somebody won't change something
the reason that they won't change is
that they believe that that thing is actually helping them
serving them or protecting them in some way.
So, you've got that layer of
whatever they're being workable about,
where there's this positive, sort of, super glue or intention behind it
and also the unworkability itself
for which there is also
some kind of positive purpose or intention behind it.
For example, imagine that someone is being unworkable
relative to considering someone else's point of view.
They might find that being unworkable in and of itself
causes them to feel like they can keep a sense of themselves
and keep their own truth,
which is the opposite of the enmeshment
they suffered from in childhood.
And let's say that their unworkable point of view
is that everyone should be able to do exactly what they want
because each person is responsible
for the way that they themselves feel.
They might find that this point of view
helps them to avoid the crushing weight of responsibility
and the feeling that they are not free in relationships.
From there, explore whether there is a different way
to go about meeting the need or fulfilling the want
that is inherent in that positive intention
that is gluing the person to their unworkability.
When a person looks directly at their unworkability,
it puts that person in a powerful choice point
relative to their own personal truth.
Either by looking at it they will decide to make a change,
or they will decide to commit
to whatever is causing their unworkability
in a much more conscious way.
Either way, it creates forward movement.
For example, using our previous example
perhaps the girlfriend
discovers that the reason she keeps being unworkable
relative to flaking on her boyfriend
is because she's terrified of commitment,
but that she really does wanna be in a committed relationship.
She might then decide to go to therapy.
On the other hand, perhaps she discovers
that she keeps being unworkable
because she doesn't actually want to be in a committed relationship
and doesn't wanna have to be constantly concerned
with someone else's best interests.
She might decide it's time to have a conversation
about changing the expectations they have towards each other
in their relationship,
and/or to potentially end the relationship with her boyfriend.
#5. make sure that something is genuinely unworkable
before just deciding that it's unworkable.
So many people decide prematurely
that something isn't workable, when in fact, it's totally workable.
But, I will say this:
You have to accept that something is unworkable
when the person who is being unworkable
communicates that they will not change something.
Also, you're gonna have to accept unworkability
when your effort that you keep putting forth
to try to make something change,
is causing far more suffering
than you would be caused
by just accepting that something is unworkable
and trying to work around it.
When this is the case,
you're trying desperately to change something that is unworkable
simply puts you in a state of powerless resistance.
And whatever we resist, persists.
If someone's awareness of their own unworkability
causes them to decide to make a change,
we no longer need to talk about that,
because you're no longer working with unworkability.
However, if you draw somebody's attention
to their own unworkability
and the process of unpacking that unworkability
reveals that a person does not want to change,
what is underneath that unworkability
and therefore, what you're suffering from
will not change,
you need to accept the unworkability.
#6. If you are genuinely facing unworkability
therefore, it is futile to make a change,
you have to accept that unworkability
and doing so,
puts you in a very powerful choice point.
You.
You must accept that even though a change could potentially happen,
you can no longer try to change it.
Instead you must accept that what you want to change
will not change.
From there, you have to decide
what to do about that.
You are not, in fact powerless.
What's before you
is three very powerful choices;
The first choice,
this is the polarized one,
is to remove yourself from the situation entirely.
That's that leave choice, right?
Your second choice,
the other polarized end of the spectrum
is that you can just stay in the situation the way it is,
and not make any change and just keep suffering.
Keeping things the way it is is your next choice.
None of these may appeal to you.
Okay, so this third option?
It is to see that you have all kinds of options in between
and alternative to those two extremes.
This step is like accepting that one door is closed,
end of story.
And so you divert all of your attention
to what other doors might be open.
You consider what adaptations you could make
regarding whatever is unchangeable,
so as to still be able to bring about
what you want to need.
For example, using our previous example
with the man who keeps breaking his word:
Let's imagine that what they arrived at
is the truth that he's going to keep breaking his word
no matter what.
So, that's genuinely unworkable.
The people in his social group
would then have a whole plethora of choices that they could make.
If they were to accept
that their friend will keep breaking his word,
with their own free will they have the choice
to keep putting themselves in situations
where they depend on his word
and keep getting hurt when he breaks it.
They also have the choice to get rid of him as a friend.
These are these two polarized choices that they have.
But they also have many other choices
such as keeping him as a friend,
but not considering him a super close friend,
or no longer expecting him to follow through
and simply considering it a bonus
if he does follow through.
or no longer putting themselves in the position
to be let down by him.
Or, only inviting him to things
where it does not matter if he shows up or not.
Or, making sure that he is never trusted with responsibilities
or bringing in another friend to the social group
who can take his place,
which allows him to be put in a more suitable place
and arrangement within the social system.
Etc...
The most important thing when you're doing this,
looking for alternatives for how to deal with unworkability,
is that all of the solutions that you're looking for
are ways of adapting to something not ever changing,
as opposed to
any strategies for continuing to try to change it.
When you're doing this process,
it should be very different than enabling.
When you are enabling
you are keeping yourself,
you're keeping the other person
and potentially all of the third parties involved
stuck in dysfunction.
You're allowing somebody to continue their destructive behavior.
With this exercise,
the goal of approaching unworkability in this way,
is to get yourself and all others involved out of the dysfunction
of continuing to hit your head against a brick wall,
and continuing to keep painful things the way they are.
So, for example,
imagine that you were married to somebody
and you had to accept
that something about them was totally unworkable
and you were going to have to adapt to it,
if that adaptation you make
keeps yourself in a dysfunctional pattern
or keeps your child in pain,
you're enabling.
You're not actually doing this exercise.
Unworkability causes you to confront
feelings of powerlessness and futility.
It forces you to look at the deeper causes
of the unworkability.
It forces you to face what is and what isn't changeable.
It forces you to accept what you may not want to accept.
It forces you to find your personal power,
free will and choice
even when faced with something
that makes you perceive yourself to be powerless.
It forces you to find the movement
when faced with what is immovable.
It forces you to make a different change
than the ideal one that you have in your mind.
It forces you to get creative.
Just remember,
just because you are faced with something that is futile
does not mean that you are stuck
in a state of futility.
You may just need to change your approach.
Have a good week.
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I wanna thank you personally
for the bravery that you have to step into awareness.
I'll see you in the next video.
Subtitles by: Tanya Duarte www.tanyaduarte.com