-Our next guest has her comedy album, "Perm Day,"
available at MaryMackComedy.com.
Please welcome the very funny Mary Mack.
[ Cheers and applause ]
-Hi, Jimmy!
Hey, guys!
Thank you! Oh, man.
Thanks! Thank you so much!
I -- I am Mary Mack.
[ Laughter ] Oh.
Guys, I was so excited to be here, I put on makeup.
[ Laughter ]
I know. They say you gotta blend it in.
I'm not blending it in.
I want to get somewhere and have people be like, "She tried."
[ Laughter ]
Right? It's hard to age as a woman.
I got -- I got a mole on my face now,
keeps sprouting out a hair.
I cut it, it sprouts, I cut it, it sprouts.
I can't keep up. It's like mowing the yard.
All right? Yeah.
I'm thinking about getting a neighbor kid to cut it.
[ Laughter ]
I grew up in Northern Wisconsin.
Yeah. Not fancy, yeah.
We -- We didn't -- We didn't get a spring break in school.
Instead, we got a week off in November for deer hunting.
[ Laughter ]
Yeah, 'cause with a freezer full of venison,
who cares if you graduate?
[ Laughter ]
Yeah.
[ Chuckles ] Yeah.
One time in school, the teacher's decided to have
a "healthy lifestyles day."
It's never been attempted before or since
in the state of Wisconsin.
[ Laughter ]
But I took a class. It was called
"How to slow your breathing down
in case you fall through the ice."
[ Laughter ]
But it wasn't even taught by, like, a expert or a park ranger.
It was just some guy who fell through the ice...
[ Laughter ]
...and figured it out.
My mom is retired up there in the woods,
and she has no Internet or cable news,
so she has to have her own thoughts.
[ Laughter ]
Yeah, yeah.
My mom is pro-trans rights, and she enjoys burning plastic.
[ Laughter ]
Yeah. You can't pigeon-hole Jan.
You can't. [ Laughter ]
My mom is from that very bland Scandinavian country
called Duluth, Minnesota. You ever --
Oh, good. Yeah, yeah.
She's never even had yogurt before.
Mnh-mnh. Too spicy.
[ Laughter ]
She's working with an old Swedish taste palate.
"Oh, chives on a baked potato?
What, are they trying to kill me?"
[ Laughter ]
Guys, there's a lot of heat in a -- it can sneak up on you.
Okay? Yeah. [ Laughter ]
Chives are like the habanero of Minnesota, all right?
[ Laughter ]
Yeah.
Anyway, my whole family, they're so much tougher than I am.
I got one brother, Scott.
He got ran over by the bulldozer a few years ago.
[ Audience "Oohs" ] No, he's fine.
He's fine. [ Laughter ]
He's almost more normal now.
[ Laughter ] Yeah, yeah.
But think about that.
The bulldozer, that doesn't have wheels.
That has tracks. Tracks!
So it takes a long time to get ran over by it.
[ Laughter ]
Yeah, yeah.
You got to be patient.
Yeah. [ Laughter ]
Not me. I'm not tough.
I -- the toughest thing I ever did was,
I ate organic food last week.
[ Laughter ] Yeah, the whole week.
Oh, man. I had organic maple bacon fudge.
Do you ever -- you ever have organic maple --
it's hard to get it organic.
Pbht! There's a lot of layers.
[ Laughter ] Yeah? Yeah.
The fudge, that's got to be, like, cage-free or something.
[ Laughter ]
Most people like to pre-package their fudge.
That is not a euphemism. That is a USDA regulation.
[ Laughter ]
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
And then you got the bacon.
That -- oh, think about the pig.
The pig has to be like, "Oh, okay, fine."
The pig has to give consent.
Otherwise, it's not organic.
[ Laughter ] Yeah.
Yeah, that pig has a safe word, too.
If he oinks twice before the conveyor belt,
he gets to go to a community college of his choice.
[ Laughter ]
All right.
Little too weird. [ Laughter ]
All right.
All right. Before I go, I just want
to let you know about a service I'm offering.
You can see me -- if you're having problems sleeping,
come see me after the show.
What I do, I rent my husband out to you.
He comes over, stands next to your bed,
and tells you about
his fantasy-football team for a while.
[ Laughter ] Yeah, yeah, yeah!
Five minutes, and you're out. I'm almost med-free!
Yeah! Thank you so much!
I'm Mary Mack! Happy holidays!
-Almost med-free? Almost?
[ Laughter ]
Mary Mack, everybody!
[ Cheers and applause ] That's exactly right.
Check out "Perm Day" at MaryMackComedy.com.
We'll be right back, ladies and gentlemen.