AFTER THE ATTACKS IN PARIS THE WAR ON TERROR IS HEATING UP
AGAIN AND WE'VE JUST LEARNED SOMETHING NEW ABOUT THE
TERRORIST'S DEVIOUS TACTICS.
>> COUNTERTERRORISM OFFICIALS SAY I.S.I.S. RECENTLY LAUNCHED A
24-HOUR HELP DESK MANNED BY A DOZEN SENIOR OPERATIVES.
>> Trevor: I.S.I.S. HAS A HELP LINE?
FOR TERRORISTS?
THIS IS INSANE.
(LAUGHTER)
AND ALSO, A GREAT OPPORTUNITY FOR US.
BECAUSE, YOU SEE, ALL WE NEED TO DO NOW IS MAKE SURE NONE OF
THEIR ATTACKS EVER WORK AGAIN AND ALL WE NEED TO DO IS
SECRETLY REPLACE THEIR HELP DESK OPERATORS WITH OUR GUYS.
(LAUGHTER)
IMAGINE WHAT WE COULD DO IF WE COULD INFILTRATE THE SYSTEM.
YEAH, WE WOULD JUST BE THERE LIKE -- YES, I'M SORRY YOU'RE
HAVING TROUBLE WITH YOUR SUICIDE VEST.
YES, ARE YOU ALONE AND AT HOME BY YOURSELF?
GOOD.
WELL, HAVE YOU TRIED TURNING IT OFF AND BACK ON AGAIN?
(BLAST)
(LAUGHTER)
HELLO?
NEXT CALLER.
(LAUGHTER)
BUT, OF COURSE, GETTING RID OF I.S.I.S. IS NOT THAT SIMPLE,
WHICH IS WHY PRESIDENT OBAMA HAS BEEN FACING SOME REALLY
TOUGH QUESTIONS.
>> I THINK A LOT OF AMERICANS HAVE THIS FRUSTRATION IN THAT
THEY SEE THE UNITED STATES HAS THE GREATEST MILITARY IN THE
WORLD, IT HAS THE BACKING OF NEARLY EVERY OTHER COUNTRY IN
THE WORLD WHEN IT COMES TO TAKING ON I.S.I.S.
I GUESS THE QUESTION IS AND IF YOU'LL FORGIVE THE LANGUAGE IS
WHY CAN'T WE TAKE OUT THESE BASTARDS?
(LAUGHTER)
>> Trevor: FIRST OF ALL, KUDOS TO THE PRESIDENT FOR ONLY
CUSSING THAT JOURNALIST OUT IN HIS HEAD.
(LAUGHTER)
AND SECONDLY, CNN'S JIM ACOSTA, I'M GLAD YOU APOLOGIZED FOR THAT
POTTY MOUTH OF YOURS.
YEAH, I GOT TO APOLOGIZE FOR THIS, UH, BASTARDS...
WHOA!
SOMEBODY'S BEEN HANGING OUT WITH HIS OLDER COUSIN!
WHOA!
HEY, GUYS, ARE WE GOING TO GET THESE I.S.I.S. KNUCKLEHEADS OR
WHAT?
COME ON!
THEY'RE A BUNCH OF JERK WADS!
I'M TELLING THE BIRDBRAINS'LL KNOW WHAT'S COMING!
WE'VE GOT TO GIVE THESE I.S.I.S. SHMUCKS THE WING-A-DING-DING!
WHO ARE YOU?
THE PRESIDENT RESPONDED AS IF THE QUESTION WAS ACTUALLY COMING
FROM AN ADULT.
>> WE'RE GOING TO CONTINUE TO PURSUE THE STRATEGY THAT HAS THE
BEST CHANCE OF WORKING, EVEN THOUGH IT DOES NOT OFFER THE
SATISFACTION, I GUESS, OF A NEAT HEADLINE OR AN IMMEDIATE
RESOLUTION.
>> Trevor: I'M SORRY, PRESIDENT OBAMA...
THIS IS NON-IMMEDIATE RESOLUTION STUFF IS JUST NOT GOING TO CUT
IT.
THESE ARE AMERICANS YOU'RE TALKING TO.
THE PEOPLE WHO SPEND MILLIONS OF DOLLARS A YEAR ON DIET PILLS
THAT WILL MAKE YOU LOSE 50 POUNDS IN FIVE DAYS.
THESE ARE THE INVENTORS OF THE TV DINNER!
AMERICANS WON'T EVEN GRAM UNLESS INDEPENDENTS INSTA.
BUT AFTER SUCH A TRAGEDY, I UNDERSTAND THE IMPULSE WE JUST
WANT TO GET REVENGE.
I GET IT.
THAT'S ANGER.
THAT'S ONE OF THE STAGES OF GRIEF MOST PEOPLE GO THROUGH IF
THEY'RE NORMAL.
BUT AS WE'VE SEEN IN THE LAST FEW DAYS, NOT EVERYONE IS
NORMAL, AND MOST OF THEM ARE RUNNING FOR OFFICE.
YOU SEE, FOR SOME POLITICIANS, THEY DON'T GO THROUGH THE FIVE
STAGES -- DENIAL, ANGER, BARGAINING, UM, ANGER, AND THE
DEPARTMENT OF COMMERCE.
FOR EXAMPLE, POLITICIAN GRIEVING STAGE ONE -- USE THE TRAGEDY AS
AN EXCUSE TO SAY WHAT YOU WOULD HAVE SAID ANYWAY.
>> YOU CAN SAY WHAT YOU WANT, BUT IF THEY HAD GUNS, IF OUR
PEOPLE HAD GUNS, IF THEY WERE ALLOWED TO CARRY, IT WOULD HAVE
BEEN A MUCH, MUCH DIFFERENT SITUATION.
>> Trevor: WHAT?!
WHY IS YOUR ANSWER ALWAYS MORE GUNS?
IT'S LIKE SAYING LET'S DIG OUR WAY OUT OF THIS HOLE WITH MORE
HOLES.
(LAUGHTER)
SORRY THE LAST TRANSFORMERS MOVIE SUCKED.
HERE, WE'LL FIX IT WITH ANOTHER ONE!
IT DOESN'T WORK THAT WAY!
ONCE YOU'VE WORKED THROUGH THE FIRST, THEN YOU CAN MOVE TO THE
NEXT STAGE OF POLITICAL GRIEF -- BREAK OUT THE NAZI COMPARISONS.
>> SECRETARY CLINTON DID NOT WANT TO USE THE WORD RADICAL
ISLAM.
YOUR RESPONSE.
>> I DON'T UNDERSTAND IT.
IT'S LIKE SAYING WE WEREN'T AT WAR WITH THE NAZIS BECAUSE IT
WE WERE AFRAID IT WOULD OFFEND SOME GERMANS WHO WERE
MEMBERS TO HAVE THE NAZI PARTY BUT NOT VIOLENT
THEMSELVES.
>> Trevor: NOT EXACTLY THE SAME THING BECAUSE ISLAM IS A
RELIGION AND IT'S OPEN FOR VIOLENT AND PEACEFUL
INTERPRETATION, LIKE OUR PEACEFUL CHRISTIANITY WITH
ENCOMPASS BOTH THE SPANISH INQUISITION AND THE LITTLE OLD
LADY IN CHURCH TALKING ABOUT HER CAT'S DIABETES MEDICINE --
TORTURE EITHER WAY.
BUT MARCO RUBIO TO SAY NON-RADICAL MUSLIMS IS
THE SAME AS NON-VIOLENT NAZIS IS NOT CORRECT.
THE NAZIS KNEW WHAT THEY WERE GETTING INTO IT.
IT'S NOT LIKE THE MAJORITY OF NAZIS WERE IN IT FOR
NON-FASCIST REASONS --
I'M ALL IN IT FOR THE BOOTS A ND RALLIES, BUT THE VIOLENT
STUFF IS TOTALLY NOT COOL, JA!
(APPLAUSE)
YOU SEE, WHAT'S HAPPENING IS SOME DEMOCRATS, FOR INSTANCE
HILLARY CLINTON, THINK IT'S UNWISE TO USE THE TERM
RADICAL ISLAM TO DESCRIBE THE TERRORISTS.
BECAUSE OF THAT SOME REPUBLICANS, FOR INSTANCE MOST
OF THEM, ARE ACCUSING DEMOCRATS OF NOT GENUINELY
WANTING TO DEFEAT I.S.I.S.
>> THEY'RE MORE INTERESTED IN PROTECTING THE IMAGE OF ISLAM
THAN PROTECTING AMERICANS.
TUCKER, IF THESE WERE MILITANT METHODISTS, EXTREME
EPISCOPALIANS, BAD BOY BAPTISTS, DO YOU THINK WE WOULD BE AFRAID
TO SAY THAT?
>> Trevor: NO, WE WOULD NOT BE AFRAID TO SAY THAT BECAUSE BAD
BOY BAPTISTS IS AN AWFUL NAME FOR A TERRORIST GROUP.
(LAUGHTER)
BUT...
A GREAT NAME FOR YOUR CHRISTIAN SOUL ROCK ONE-MAN BASS-ONLY
ALBUM!
YEAH, YEAH!
MY PERSONAL FAVORITE -- TRACK THREE, "BLESSED ARE THE FUNKY."
(LAUGHTER)
BUT ACCORDING TO MIKE HUCKABEE, WE NEED TO RECOGNIZE
OUR DESPERATE SITUATION.
>> THE ONES WHO ARE READY TO CUT OUR HEADS OFF, THE ONES WHO ARE
BLOWING UP PEOPLE IN PARIS AND ALL OVER THE WORLD, IT JUST
HAPPENS THEY'RE ALL RADICAL MUSLIMS.
WE BETTER WAKE UP AND SMELL THE FALAFEL.
(AUDIENCE REACTS)
>> Trevor: NOW, THERE ARE A FEW THINGS WRONG WITH THAT
STATEMENT.
(LAUGHTER)
NUMBER ONE, FALAFEL IS NOT A BREAKFAST FOOD.
NUMBER TWO, IT DOESN'T REALLY SMELL LIKE ANYTHING.
AND NUMBER THREE, THE RACISM.
I REALLY SHOULD HAVE LED WITH THE RACISM, I KNOW.
(APPLAUSE)
THEN THERE IS THE FINAL STAGE OF POLITICAL GRIEF -- YOU FOCUS
ON HOW TO HANDLE THE TIDE OF REFUGEES FLEEING SYRIA AND
I.S.I.S.
THIS STAGE IS KNOWN AS "JUST SAY SOMETHING REALLY (BLEEP) CRAZY."
>> IF WE DISPLACE PEOPLE USED TO A DESERT CLIMATE LIVING IN THE
MIDDLE EAST, SPEAKING A LANGUAGE NOT COMMON TO AMERICA AND
ESSENTIALLY LIVING IN A CULTURE AND AMIDST A RELIGION THAT IS
NOT THAT COMMON HERE, WE REALLY ARE CREATING A DISRUPTION.
IF WE'RE SERIOUS ABOUT WANTING TO PROTECT THEM, THEN LET'S DO
IT IN A CLIMATE WITH A LANGUAGE, WITH THE CULTURE AND THE
RELIGION THEY'RE MORE COMFORTABLE WITH.
>> Trevor: YOU KNOW, MIKE HUCKABEE MAKES A GOOD POINT.
CAN YOU IMAGINE IF PEOPLE STARTED COMING TO AMERICA FROM
ALL OVER THE WORLD, BRINGING THEIR DIFFERENT LANGUAGES,
CULTURES AND RELIGIONS, MIXING AND CHANGING THE CULTURE THAT'S
ALREADY HERE TILL IT BECOMES SOMETHING TOTALLY NEW, WHAT KIND
OF COUNTRY WOULD THIS BE?!
BUT YOU KNOW WHAT, MIKE HUCKABEE, I UNDERSTAND YOU AS
SOMEONE WHOSE FAMILY HAS BEEN HERE FOR GENERATIONS AS A -- I
GUESS A NATIVE AMERICAN, YOU CAN SAY.
I COULD SEE WHY THIS IDEA WOULD FRIGHTEN YOU.