-[singsong voice] Gonna get therapy.
[laughs]
So, I'm pretty comfortable with therapy.
I mean, I've been going to a therapist for a long time now.
My mom's a psychiatrist, but it's not common or normal
or something a lot of people are used to.
Have you experienced that?
-Yeah, I mean, it's really unfortunate.
I think a lot of people are afraid of therapy
because they think of it as something where,
you know, you're gonna lie on the couch,
you're gonna be in therapy for 20 years,
I'm gonna be psychoanalyzed,
I'm gonna have to talk about my childhood
and my relationships with my parents.
That's not what this type of counseling needs to be.
It can be support counseling, grief counseling,
decision-making counseling around issues
that are really, really complicated
so people don't feel alone
and isolated as they go through it.
-And that is a part
of why I'm here. -Uh-huh.
-I have a big decision to make, and a decision I feel like
I have been sitting on for a while now
and kind of can't sit on anymore.
-Right. So, what holds a lot of people
up in this stagnation place
that you mentioned and this place of limbo
is feeling like there is a right decision,
and if they just wait long enough,
that right decision will manifest.
And it doesn't because there is no right
or wrong decision in this situation.
There's a right or wrong decision for you
based on the information you're gathering
and based on who you are as a person
and what feels right or wrong to you.
Sometimes what you can do is project yourself into the future
and think about the worst-case scenario
that could possibly happen
and then sort of back your way into it.
And sometimes that helps to make a decision.
So what do you think would be the worst-case scenario for you,
let's say five years from now?
-Worst-case scenario is I am single, childless,
or I'm not actively working towards it.
-Okay, so stop right there and let's say
you did not freeze eggs and you're in that situation.
Now how are you feeling?
-Super stressed. -Okay.
-Really stressed.
-Okay, and now let's say you did freeze.
Let's say you froze just once and you have
a nice number of eggs sitting there at age 30.
What would you think the feeling would be then?
You wake up, you're childless, and you're not with a partner.
-Still stressed, but not feeling like
as much is out of my control.
-And, so, just to tease it out more,
let's say you go to use those eggs.
Let's say you decide you're going to do this on your own.
You're tired of waiting for Mr. Right.
You can always find a partner the rest of your life,
but what you can't do is have a child the rest of your life.
And you go to use the eggs, and the eggs don't work.
Do you think you would have regretted having frozen them?
-I don't know.
I guess the short answer is yeah.
I mean, I feel like I would be resentful.
I would be resentful of spending even more money,
and I think I would be heartbroken.
-Mm-hmm. -And that's the part that
stops me in my tracks is the possibility of feeling
like I did everything I could and nothing worked.
-Mm-hmm. So it's understandable
why the decision-making has been so difficult,
'cause when you really start to peel back these layers
and see what's underneath,
it's not surprising that you sit on this for a year or longer.
'Cause who wants to look at this stuff?
No one wants to look at things that cause anxiety and pain.
We run from those things.
A lot of the decision-making process
is just making peace with things.
It's really about understanding
the potential implications either way
and feeling your way through that.
-One of the main lessons I've learned from this experience
is that egg freezing is not a guarantee.
And no matter what I decide to do,
I really have no control over what happens in the future.
And that can be scary.
Dr. Grill helped me think
through the worst-case scenario,
and that really helped me face my fears about all of this.
I usually talk to my best friend before making any big decisions,
so I went to visit her.
Yael and I have been best friends since college,
and now she lives in Eugene, Oregon,
with her husband and newborn baby.
She also happens to be one
of only two genetic counselors there.
So she's got a lot of opinions about this.
You know, what's her name, Brigitte Nielsen,
is pregnant at like 55.
-And she's gonna have healthy baby.
Most babies are healthy.
-In 1,000 feet, turn left onto Jefferson Street.
-You got it.
You guys are, like, really hard to ignore.
-How has your life changed since you had Leora?
-Well, I no longer have a life, so that's a difference.
Um, I wake up, I nurse her, I put her back down.
I wake up, I nurse her, I put her back down.
I pump. I nurse her again.
[Leora crying] Oh, these bras.
I wish she could communicate.
It's a lot of needing to care about someone else all the time.
But then she smiles and she loves me.
And that's nice.
[singing] You don't gotta do the work, work, work.
Make your body do the work, work, work.
-These are also, like, ideal circumstances.
It's not like you're doing this by yourself.
-No. -Your husband, Netonel,
is like a master dad.
-Yeah. Okay, it's starting.
Without his help, I honestly think I would be insane.
Like, I would not just be sleep deprived.
I would be lost.
Like, he very much is a calming force in my life.
She's happy. -She's about to vomit.
-She is about to vomit. -Uh-huh.
-Yeah, she needed to get that out.
Even if you have a village and a support system,
they're not as invested to the point where they care
like how many times she pooped that day
and get excited when it's three times.
I don't know.
Like, I think that it's important for you
to find the partner, like,
the person who's gonna share the weight of what it is
to always have to be thinking of another person
and allows you to still think of yourself.
We haven't tackled your situation, Nicole.
-No, we have not.
Okay. Let's go there.
I don't know what I want to do yet, to be honest.
I feel like my mind changes every other day.
What do you think I should do?
-I think that if you can financially afford it,
you should go for it.
And a lot of that comes from my genetic counseling
hat of seeing 40-year-olds
wishing that they had a frozen egg that was 30.
I don't know. I think -- I don't know.
Stop crying. Don't cry!
You're gonna make my cry.
No.
Why are you crying?
-I'm just scared.
-What are you scared of? -Oh, I don't know.
Everything. -Nicole?
-I guess just, like, making a decision.
-Is there a timeline that you need to decide by?
-I mean, not really. -So, that's good.
You're just gathering information.
Don't be scared.
See, this is how I thought we were gonna do
the whole interview.
-Yeah. I think, you know,
it is scary making these kinds of decisions, like, without you.
-But I'm here.
-I know, but you're not, like, here, here.
-Yeah. -Like, all the time.
-Life is full of shit decisions. -Yeah.
-But as long as you survive them, then I'm here.
-Yeah.
-And you're here, and we'll make it work.
-I love you. -I love you, too.
Is he still filming our moment.
-Yes. -We're not gonna stop.
-It's not gonna stop. -Aw.
-A lot of people that I love and that love me
want me to be happy,
and from their perspectives, money is not an object.
But this is just as much a financial decision
as it is an emotional one.
I'm not willing to risk my entire life
savings on egg freezing when it might not work
considering my own family history.
Talking to Tanya in episode 6 was a huge wake-up call for me.
I realized that I am quickly spending my way
out of achieving some of my life goals.
But luckily, that's something I can change.
So I moved into a smaller, cheaper apartment
in hopes of saving for both buying a house
and possibly freezing my eggs a year or two years from now.
I have time to make an intentional
and careful decision, and I can take my time
to make peace with the possibility
that nothing goes my way.
So if egg freezing is something you're thinking about,
get comfortable with this being an independent decision.
Because so much about our fertility and about power
as human creators is individualized.
It's not about my decision or my body
or my genetic makeup or my ovarian reserve.
It's about yours.
Along the way, I have learned so much,
and I also became a godparent in the middle of all of this.
And when I look at my godson and all of the little people
that look up to me in my family,
I realize that no matter what happens,
I've got everything I need.
-Let the church say "Amen." -Amen.
-Amen. -Amen.
-I've already got the joy of childhood.
I've got babies that I get to hold, teach, support,
help usher them into adulthood.
I've got all the people I need.
I've got the village.
-You want cake? -I do!
I do! I do!
I do! -Oh, I know you want cake.
[laughter] -He sees you.
-Exploring my own fertility turned a curiosity
and a fear into a sincere source of empowerment
because I hold the keys to my own decisions.
I know all of the information I need,
and I'm aware of the risks, the possibilities,
and that's empowering.
I really have the opportunity to think
about what family means to me.
If this is as good as it gets, it's still pretty good.
-Any other questions? No?
-[Chuckles] Do you want to just record forever?
-I mean, I don't want to stop!
It's weird!
[Laughs]
-You want to turn off the camera?
-Yeah. Go turn off the camera.
-[laughs] -Bye.