I know I'm dumb.
They said I was dumb in grade school.
They coded me.
They said I had LD, ADD, ADHD, AA,
AAA.
(audience laughing)
I know, you have the AAA.
That's the worst.
You got to pay for that every year.
(audience laughing)
And I have dyslexia too, a little,
not all the time.
Don't worry about me,
I don't have it all the time.
Just when I read.
I swear to dog I have it.
Some of you do too, for not getting
that joke.
Like, numbers screw me up, like,
when I'm nervous.
Not all numbers, I like 11.
That's my favorite number.
(audience laughing)
I'll never forget my grandmother,
she was choking at my kitchen,
and I kept on dialing 119.
(audience laughing)
I'm going to miss her.
(audience laughing)
My mom has dyslexia.
I think that's why I have it.
But it doesn't really affect
our relationship.
I wanted to ask her to go out
to lunch, on 57th Street.
But I really meant to say
75th street.
And she switched it in her mind,
and we met there.
And no one knew, so--
(audience laughing)
So yeah, it's hard.
I was in the lowest reading group
when I was little.
And the teacher tried to be creative
naming the groups as animals,
so we wouldn't know.
But I knew.
I may be dumb, I'm not stupid.
(audience laughing)
So she's like, the giraffes,
go in that corner and read.
And the elephants, go in that corner
and read.
And the slugs--
(audience laughing)
Yeah, that's you, Kerri, go back
to first grade.
(audience laughing)
And then the teacher, every Friday,
she would get all the reading groups
together, and we all had to read
a chapter book out loud.
Very nerve wracking for me.
We had to go in a row,
and read a paragraph.
So now I'm nervous.
So I count down the people,
and then I count down my paragraph.
And I practice, so I can do well.
Well, Billy-- the smartest kid
in class--
he was sitting in front of me.
And the teacher loved Billy.
She's like, "oh, Billy,
"you're doing so well,
"just continue to the next paragraph."
And I'm like, no, no, no,
that's my paragraph-- no, no, no,
no, no.
So I stand up.
I start reading, like, louder
than Billy.
And I'm like that is my paragraph!
No, I'm reading!
I'm reading!
Now, I'm on Ritalin.
(audience laughing)
And I know I'm dumb because they
said it in my report card,
in the comment section.
They didn't say, your kid's dumb.
They can't say that.
But I knew that that's what
the teacher was trying to say
in the comment--
like, I may not be able to read,
but I can read between the lines.
(audience laughing)
Because she writes,
Kerri tries really hard.
Kerri is creative.
Kerri's a pleasure to have in class.
That means, Kerri tries really hard.
She never gets the answer right.
She creatively thinks of the answer
that's so out of this world,
makes me laugh,
and causes me pleasure.
(audience laughing)
Yeah.
Don't worry about me though.
I'm fine.
I'm fine!
Like, I'm smart.
Like, I'm street smart.
I'm not book smart.
Like, I'm going to be on the street
and I'm going to be fine.
Like no one's going to come up
and rob me, or anything.
But if I'm on the street,
and someone comes up to me
and said, "read this!"
Be like, I'm getting robbed.
I'm not reading it, take everything.
(audience laughing)
Not reading it.
There's an adult test that you can
take to give you--
there's some levels.
There's levels of dyslexia.
So I really wanted to know.
Because they really didn't tell me
exactly what I had back then.
They really didn't do anything
with you.
They just said she's creative.
She has an energy.
(audience laughing)
So I figured, you know,
now that I'm an adult,
I need to know.
So there's an adult test that you
can take online, and it's expensive.
And I'm thinking, do I really need
the test?
Or do I need a designer bag?
(audience laughing)
I figure, you know what?
I need to take it.
It's like $295.
So I wrote him a check for $529.
Turns out, I have it really bad.
(audience laughing)
I don't even need to take the test.
(audience laughing)
Which is great because I don't like
taking tests.
I get nervous.
I do bad on them.
You know what test I love?
You know what test I do
really well on?
You know when you're
on the computer,
and you have to prove to them,
you're not a robot?
(audience laughing)
I love those tests!
It's like, pick out all the street signs.
Pick out the crosswalks.
I get it right, every time.
I told you I'm street smart!
(audience laughing)
Thank you, yes.
Yes.
(audience clapping)
Yes.
Yes, thank you for clapping at that.
Thank you.
Yeah, so not only was I dumb when
I was little, I was also ugly.
I know-- you guys take everything
so literally.
I love it you're like, oh, really?
Like you want to bring me
into your room, and give me therapy.
I love it.
Don't worry, this is therapy!
That's why I'm a comic, people.
That is why I'm a comic.
So yes, I was ugly.
I know I was ugly.
And I'll tell you why.
Calm down, don't worry.
Because my mother was a hairdresser,
and I was the guinea-pig for all
the latest hairstyles.
Yes.
Now back then-- I'm going to date
myself-- back then, the hairstyle
was the Dorothy Hamill bowl-cut.
Yes, someone's my age.
Yeah, the bowl-cut.
I didn't look like a cute little
ice-skater.
I looked like a little boy.
The little boy on "Eight is Enough,
Nicholas.
(audience laughing)
Yes.
Yeah.
And when I was little
I loved that show.
And I had a crush
on little Nicholas.
I loved him so much.
I had a crush on myself, people.
I looked exactly
like that little boy.
Do you remember that saying--
do you know that saying,
don't run with scissors?
Yeah, in my house, it was different.
It's, "run!
"Mom has scissors."
(audience laughing)
Yeah.
So I was dumb, ugly, and guess what?
I had a lisp.
Now you know why I'm a comic.
I had a lisp when I was little.
And back then I had to go to speech
therapy, and we really didn't have
a speech therapy room, like
they have nowadays.
We had to use the library closet.
It was very scary.
Yeah.
And I remember, it was just me
and this other little boy.
And the teacher is like, "come on,
"boys.
"We're going to play a game."
(audience laughing)
You gotta-- You gotta get these
jokes on time, people.
You're messing my timing.
(audience laughing)
"Come on, boys.
"We're going to play a game.
"Look at my lips, repeat after me.
"Buh, buh, mm-mm, ooh, ooh--
I had nightmares for years.
I'm all right now, don't worry.
I'm all right.
(audience laughing)
So, yeah.
So that was me growing up.
And it's tough and--
Oh, and my mother,
she punishes me when
she read my diary.
She broke into my diary, by the way.
I'm like, how did you do that?
Remember the paper lock?
I'm like, how'd you do that?
Paper lock.
She broke into my diary.
And then she punishes me.
And she says, "these are the things
"you're writing in your diary?
"I have sex daily?"
I'm like, Mom, I'm trying to write
I have dyslexia.
(audience laughing)
Some guy's actually writing it
out backstage.
(audience laughing)
Yeah, that works.
(audience laughing)