What's going on in your life right now?
It's a long story.
There's an ongoing struggle with ice cream.
I don't understand.
What do you mean, a struggle with ice cream?
Look, I don't know who-
It sounds like you're talking about a rapper.
I'm having a struggle with ice cream.
[Conan] (laughing)
It's so sad 'cause he's such a friendly rapper.
Yeah, he really is.
[Conan] Now what do you mean by this?
You have to explain this.
What do you mean you have a struggle with ice cream?
Look, I don't know, as a grownup
whether ice cream's a good thing.
It seems to me that ice cream is for two things,
for adult shame and fun for children.
[Conan] Right.
That's the only way ice cream functions for me.
Although, let me try to explain it.
It's a long thing, but I will try to fill it in for you.
[Conan] Okay.
I don't eat, I'm 50.
I can't be eating ice cream every day.
I would like to, who wouldn't?
(audience laughing)
But I have this ongoing problem where like, I'll get home.
I'll be sitting at home, it's like 10:30 at night.
I've made it through the day okay, right?
[Conan] Yeah.
And I'm like, I could go to sleep now.
But then some part of me is like, no man,
you should go out and get ice cream now.
(audience laughing)
And so I try to negotiate with that part of my brain.
I'm like, that's not a good idea.
We're about to go to bed and it goes, shut up stupid.
You want ice cream.
And then I look at my watch and I'm like,
the supermarket near me's open 'til 11.
I'm gonna go down there and stand before that
glorious freezer and just look at ice creams
for a few minutes.
[Conan] Sure.
And I'm like, then I'm thinking like, I'm just
gonna get a pint because there's like two servings
in a pint.
Wrong, they know that there's not two servings in a pint.
That pint is not, that's for nothing but shame
and just eating it all.
You can't eat half the pint and put it away.
That is the point I'm making, Conan.
Yes.
All right.
(audience laughing)
So here's what happens.
I appreciate you reiterating it.
Here's what happens.
So I go and I stand before the freezer
and I look at the array of Ben and Jerry's flavors
that are just different versions of,
there's way too much shit in this ice cream.
[Conan] (laughing)
In funny lettering, like which version do I need?
(laughing)
So then you grab that, I'm like, I'm just getting a pint.
But then you have that moment where like, oh
I'm gonna need to cut it with vanilla. So I got-
(laughing)
Right, so you gotta get the vanilla cut.
Yeah.
Right? So now I don't even want ice cream, right?
Now I'm going home with two pints.
[Conan] Right.
So then the drama begins, the struggle.
So I get home and I'm like just gonna have a bowl,
a little bowl. Take the ice cream,
scoop it out of the pint, put it in the bowl.
A couple of hits of vanilla to take the edge off.
You know?
No one says hits of vanilla.
They just don't.
Well, no, apparently no one's taken hits of other things.
So-
(laughing)
I'm very hit oriented.
Yes, I understand, I understand.
Back in the day.
I understand.
So there we go.
So I got the bowl, sit down like a human adult,
and nicely eat my ice cream.
And I take the bowl, put it in the sink,
put the spoon in the sink.
Good, I'm done.
I'll go sit on the couch for a minute.
So I sit on the couch, within three minutes
I'm like oh no.
(audience laughing)
I'm gonna eat some more of that.
[Conan] (laughing)
So then you go back and now the bowl's not necessary
but the spoon is necessary.
Because now you're in warfare with the ice cream.
Now it's not a fun thing.
It's like, you know, like,
so you don't even take it to the couch.
I'm over the freezer.
I'm just like (eating sounds) like fast, but not angry.
Not angry yet.
So that's the second time.
So I'm like, all right, I'm done.
And then I throw the spoon in the sink and go sit down.
I should be going to bed,
but now I'm gonna play with the situation a little longer.
So then the third time, it's a little ridiculous.
'Cause I'm like, I turn the TV off and I'm like, damn it.
Back to the freezer.
And then like, I take the spoon, now I'm angry.
I'm like, screw this, and I'm eating it.
[Conan] Right.
And I leave like two spoonfuls
and you're like that's a victory.
I didn't eat the whole thing, right?
[Conan] Right.
(audience laughing)
So I put the two spoonfuls back in the freezer,
get in bed. I'm in bed, lights are off.
I'm in my boxers, partially naked is what I'm saying.
And then I'm laying in bed, I'm like, I did good.
You know, there's still some ice cream left.
And then that voice is like, oh, you're stupid.
Go eat the rest of it.
So then I go out there in my boxers,
I eat the rest and I go like, you're an idiot.
Why'd you do that?
You could have been sleeping.
And then I go and to reward myself for shaming ice cream,
I masturbate.
Okay. There's no-
There's no way to follow a battle
with ice cream other than masturbating.
Because either you're gonna feel good
or you're just gonna amplify your shame.
[Andy] Right.
[Conan] I just love the nod Andy's giving you.
Yeah.
[Conan] Oh yeah.
Yep.
[Conan] Yep.
Tell it brother, tell it (laughing).
The biggest problem is Andy knows what this system
is I've still got about a half a pint of vanilla
in there.
[Conan] Yeah.
That I use to cut the other stuff with.
[Conan] Right.
So now I got to go get another pint
of too much in this ice cream to finish the vanilla.
[Conan] You have to go and get more
of the Ben and Jerry's to finish up the vanilla?
Not after masturbating, but the next day.
[Conan] Okay, I didn't want to know the order
things happen.
At least I'm not masturbating in front of the freezer
at the supermarket.
You know what, hey, hey, hey.
That would actually be a healthier option,
but I might get arrested.
I believe my question was, how you doing?
(audience laughing)
I believe that was my question.
Was that it?
Yeah, and now you're in front of the freezer
(laughing).