- Sir, that is my son.
- Look at the size of that head.
That thing could feed a whole village.
(crickets chirping)
- All right, onwards.
My name is Peter Porker.
♪ Someday I will be ♪
Holy (beep)
You two, rock, paper, scissors to see who we kill and eat.
- There's a cool cave.
Hey, there's another cool cave.
Oh wow, another cool cave.
- [Stan] Well, I can tell what pork chop wants to do.
- Throw our cats!
(cats meow)
- Bone me, beak face
- I'll come back for you.
(piano music)
- So, how you guys enjoying the Nether?
- Ah, geez, it sucks.
- We're the slime gang, the slimiest gang.
- Bless you, Satan.
- This isn't "We Bought a Zoo" starring Matt Damon.
(cow moos)
- [Pig] Um.
- Ow, my face.
- It's 2020, and I'm pissed off.
- Hey, welcome back Mr. Zombie Villager.
(pig screams)
- [Villager] Our chicken tender defender.
- Uh.
- We did it.
That gross ass milk saved the day.
And I don't think I'm cursed anymore.
- Did you just say ass milk?
- Such majestic animals.
- It's an extremely unsafe realm
and not anybody can just enter it.
(llama screams)
- I'd like to take a plastic straw to him.
- We'll give you three carrots.
- We'll do it.
- Once I plugged this final eye into the portal,
we're on our way to defeat the dragon.
Oh-oh
- Oh my God.
- Every day I wake up and think about eating you.
- I can't watch.
(Craig chews)
- No, Pork chop 2.0
- [Iron Golem] Wait, what's that?
- [Stan] What? The guy I just killed?
Ending any quest for self-improvement
he could have possibly achieved?
- [Iron Golem] No, next to that.
- We need to free the villagers being held captive.
Plus I wanted to show off my new threads.
(upbeat music)
- I wonder.
- Thank you.
- Who said that?
It's not murder if I can't see you.
- [Wandering Trader] No, please!
- I'll call you Squidy.
- My name's Brian.
- [Stan] See ya, Squidy.
- [Craig] I'm going to jump off the cliff.
(glass shatters)
(Wilhelm scream)
- Geez, that guy just kept talking.
- Ooh, a spider room.
- Yeah, (beep) no.
- Brains.
- You're going to be quite disappointed.
- Time to save our friends.
- Well, you can go, (beep) raspberries.
(explosion detonates)
- Why won't anybody talk to me?
♪ Waking up in the morning ♪
♪ thinking about so many things, ♪
♪ I just wish things would get better. ♪
- I'm going to be honest with you.
Your house is ugly as (beep).
- Just spraying its seed all over your new living room.
- What.
- [Stan] I'm feeding you with your own brother.
- Get out of my room.
You're not my real dad.
- Ew. We shared a sleeping bag?
- I was the big spoon.
- It's going to take something pretty tough to take us down.
(twinkling music)
- I'll take the sexy Lama.
- Daddy?
- Son?
- Got him.
More like inventive human, genius human,
big stick energy human.
(water splashes)
- I may want to keep some of these animals around
in case I have to repopulate the earth.
(upbeat music)
- A peaceful coexistence.
You know, I love to see that.
- Ah, here.
- Oh, boy soggy swamp.
That's you.
That's what you sound like all the time.
- [Stan] Bestie vibes only, bestie vibes only.
(cow screams)
- [Stan] Hm.
- Apple cow.
- I think it's pretty obvious that was an apple cow, yes.
(bright song)
- Such is the nature of anthropomorphic animal friends in
a world where existing hierarchy structures remain the same.
♪ Needless to say, I keep her checked ♪
♪ Crashed at my place, baby you're a wreck. ♪
- Oh wait. It's a raw chicken hide.
Well, we got lunch.
- That's disgusting.
- Now I can buy the sea pickle from that wandering trader
and shove it up, his big fat nose.
Embarrassing, embarrassing, embarrassing.
Excuse me, Mr. Fox?
- Throw my flint all the way up, out of the way,
so there's no chance it.
Oh my God, it's gonna to land on the bombs.
(bombs detonate)
- Nice work.
- [Craig] You brought the sticks to make torches, right?
- Hah, (beep)
- I've been lurking the ocean for years,
crafting the art.
- I don't remember everything being on fire.
- It's a fishing rod.
- So you're the nameless one.
- Let's name him Larry.
- What, no!
- Looks like the evil zombie
was just trying to feed his son.
(soft music)
- Oh.
(Windows error message sound)
Fair enough.
Yeah. I mean, fair enough.
I'm a little lost, but fair enough.
(rock music)
(electronic music)
- Why is that weird ass sheep just up there looking at us?
(scary music)
(explosion detonates)
- We wear these silly hats, eat melons almost exclusively,
and hang up these poo colored banners.
- Tell Mitchell he has to submit a maintenance request
to the leasing office.
- Yeah. Well, he's dead now,
so it's fine, I guess.
- [Stan] All right.
It's probably safe out there now.
(Stan screams)
- We're just not going to put out the fire you started.
- There's only a 0.0841733265% chance you ever find one.
(sheep baas)
- I think an opening for fletcher just opened up
since I killed him.
- Even in this weird, backwards society
is the Iron Golem,
- [Stan] Ugly as always.
(sad music)
(pick axe breaks)
- I hate it here.
- Shut up, Craig.
Even the pumpkins are healthier.
Hey, you guys like CrossFit?
- No. Let him burn.
(upbeat music)
- [Pig] There's a giant red stone monstrosity behind you.
- What? Monstrosity?
(strange noises)
- This beat smacks hard.
(lava flows)
- You know that, that's going to be a problem.
Oh, a library.
I wanted to kill things.
You flooded my living space with dozens of annoying sheeps.
- It's sheep, is the plural.
(dramatic music)
- I'm going to bed.
- Thank you, heroes,
but I'm actually just working here
to pay off my student loans.
(water splashes)
(fire crackles)
- I, I don't know how to do this.
They're actually kind of cute.
- Once outcasted by my people for my wide skull, I found-
- Yeah, hold on. Can we talk about that thing for a sec?
- What I really hate are Redstone Golems.
(Redstone Golem thuds)
Oh God, there is one behind me, isn't there?
Hello, friendly villagers.
(villagers grunt)
They all hated me.
(spiders hiss)
- Oh God, I did not think this through.
- Here, your name is Craig now.
- What? Hell, no.
- Destroy it.
(stick rattles)
- This is what I call crashing a party.
(table crashes)
- Hey, that dude's wearing Kevin.
That's my dead cousin, you mother (beep)
- Which Minecraft player are you,
the builder, the fighter,
the racist,
Steve.
- Don't you ever, ever
go inside that structure.
Okay. Let's go.
- Keep our heads down.
- Hey, look the dragon
(dragon growling)
- Oh, for (beep) sake.
- No time.
And I can do this.
(sheep baas)
- Please, don't throw my unborn children at sheep, Stan.
- Ah, my arch nemesis.
We meet again.
What am I supposed to do with 1000 eggs?
- [Mama] Great, Mama's happy for you.
- We'll see you on the other side.
- What?
(Stan chews)
- Wait, eating steak is a move?
- [Stan] It's me, Stan.
- Look, buddy.
I don't know you.
You got some seeds?
If not, (beep) off.
- Think fast, losers.
- You know, I actually could go for a quick power nap.
- [Female Narrator] The villagers will be brutally murdered,
tortured for information.
- Could you stop it?
- Let's name them Goldilocks,
since he's gold and he opens locks.
(upbeat music)