(eerie echoing sounds)
(snorting noises)
- [Pinocchio] Hey, who's out there?
- It looks like a smart crowd.
- [Pig] Yeah, really smart.
- If they're that smart, what are they doing here?
- [Pinocchio] What are we still doing in here?
- [Pig] Ya!
(overlapping cries for help)
- [Pinocchio] Get me out of here!
Not much help, are they?
- [Pig] Yeah, yeah.
(knocking noises)
- Hey, what are you people doing here?
Get out before it's too late!
- [Pinocchio] They're not a very animated bunch, Gingy.
- [Pig] Look at them.
- [Pig] What are they waiting for?
- Oh, this is torture.
I'm outta here.
- [Pinocchio] What about us?
- You know, I...
I really feel crummy about this guys,
but every man for himself!
- [Pinocchio] What about all the women?
And the children?
And the cute little wooden puppets?
- [Pig] And the cute piggies?
All three of them.
- Okay, but there's not much time,
and I'm only gonna say this once, so listen up.
All of you.
He's back!
- [Pig] Tell us something we don't know, cookie boy.
- [Pinocchio] Hey, these people probably don't have a clue
what's going on.
Do you?
- [Pig] Didn't they see the movie?
- [Pinocchio] It's what happened after the end credits
had got us all in this pickle.
- [Pig] Yeah!
- [Pinocchio] Wait a minute, I have an idea.
Mirror mirror on the wall...
Wake up!
(whooshing noises)
- Who dares disturb my slumber?
- [Pinocchio] It's me, Pinocchio.
- Hey!
- [Pinocchio] Listen, we must help these people.
- Oh, we have guests.
Hi there, folks.
Welcome to Lord Farquaad's castle.
Run for your lives!
Oh, a rather lackluster bunch.
- [Pig] Yeah.
- [Pinocchio] Well, they don't understand what's happened.
You need to tell them the story.
- Sure.
(clearing throat)
A long time ago, in a galaxy far, far away...
- [Pig] I love that story. - [Pig] Me too.
- [Pig] A bit episodic for my taste.
- [Pinocchio] No!
Our story.
- So sorry.
Been feeling really spaced out lately.
- [Pinocchio] You know, once upon a time!
- Once upon a time,
there lived a frightful ogre named Shrek.
He lived alone in his swamp
far from those who would judge him by appearance
rather than what lay within.
(Shrek farting)
- [Pig] I miss that smelly ogre.
- [Pig] Me too. - [Pig] Yeah, and me three.
- [Pinocchio] Shh, quiet!
- [Mirror] One night, after saving a talking donkey...
- In the morning, I'm making waffles.
- [Mirror] Shrek's home was overrun
by a hoard of fairytale creatures
banished from the kingdom of Duloc.
- [Pig] Check out the handsome pig on the left --
- [Mirror] Banished from the kingdom of Duloc
by the evil Lord Farquaad.
(booing noises)
Yes, everyone, now hiss.
Little twerp.
- [Pinocchio] Will you be quiet?
Not you, Mirror, the piggies.
- Oh, where was I?
Through a couple of plot twists...
- Yeah!
- [Mirror] And wrestling moves,
Farquaad agreed to return Shrek's swamp to him
if he would rescue the fair Princess Fiona...
(shrill singing)
From a fearsome, fire-breathing dragon.
Shrek and Donkey set off on their quest.
There was lots of amazing action, pyrotechnics...
(Shrek burping)
And heroics!
Shrek saved the princess...
- Put me down!
- And his ass.
(Donkey yelling)
And then, excuse me, something miraculous happened.
Shrek fell in love.
And to her astonishment,
the princess fell right back in love with him.
(awwing noises)
- [Pig] That's lovely. - [Pig] I love them.
- [Mirror] But she was to marry Farquaad.
And Shrek's heart was broken.
- [Pig] Aw.
- [Mirror] Donkey talked some sense into the stubborn ogre,
who set out to rescue the princess again,
but this time from Farquaad.
- I object!
- [Mirror] Fiona revealed her big secret.
She was actually an ogress.
And Donkey got it on with the dragon!
- I'm a donkey on the edge!
- [Mirror] Who ate Farquaad.
Whose death freed all the fairytale creatures
and allowed Shrek to find true love.
(cheering noises)
And everyone lived happily ever after.
- [Pinocchio] Or so we thought.
- [Pig] Can you show Lord Farquaad being eaten again?
- [Pinocchio] Come on, guys.
- [Pig] Dragon food.
- [Mirror] Lookie here, filet o' Farquaad.
- Silence!
What's going on in there?
- [Mirror] Lord Farquaad.
My, you're looking rather pale.
- Of course I am, I'm a ghost, you fool!
Now, for the last time, tell me where she is!
- My batteries are low, my Lord.
I can't see further than the past at the present.
- Well, what about your little wooden friend?
Is he ready to talk?
Tell me where that repulsive green monstrosity
has taken my Fiona.
Where are they?
- [Pinocchio] I don't know.
(Pinocchio's nose growing)
- That's it.
Felonious!
- Yes, milord?
- The puppet's firewood.
- [Pinocchio] No!
- [Pigs] Leave him alone!
- Ah, my little porkers.
Are you going to spill the beans,
or is it luau time?
- We, we...
We don't know anything!
- [Pig] Yeah, we know nothing.
- [Pigs] Yeah.
- Felonious, dig a pit, light a fire,
and wrap them in banana leaves.
And fetch my muumuu.
- Muumuu?
- Aloha!
(shouts of protest)
Enough!
What are you people looking at?
Have any of you seen Shrek and Fiona?
Have you?
Come now, someone here must know where they are.
Anyone?
Fine, I'll make you talk.
Felonious, prepare the auditorium!
- Yes, milord.
- Mirror mirror on the wall,
tell them what will happen to them all.
I must go prepare.
I'll be in to torture you later.
All of you!
(evil laughter)
(dramatic music crescendos)
(prolonged beep)
- [Pinocchio] I'm glad that's over.
- [Pig] Over? It's just beginning.
- [Pig] The beginning of the end!
- [Pig] Yeah.
- As the auditorium opens,
please enter in an orderly fashion
and take a seat as far over as possible.
Do not wear your glasses until you are seated,
unless you like falling over.
Please do not eat, drink, smoke, or puke.
All cell phone users will be flogged.
Flash photographers will be burned at the stake.
You have been warned.
Enjoy the show.
Many are all doomed.
(dramatic music)
[theater entrance music] [chanting]
The seats just don't look the same.
They're all exactly the same!
So move all the way across the theater
so the rest of the victims can sit down.
Once you are seated, put your glasses on,
so the torturing may commence.
If your glasses don't fit properly,
please change the size of your head!
That's it, keep moving all the way to the end and sit down.
If you didn't receive a pair of glasses,
please stand up, wave your arms about wildly,
and look really stupid.
(dramatic music)