LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, WELCOME TO "THE LATE SHOW."
I'M YOUR HOST, STEPHEN COLBERT.
HEY, HEY--
HOW'S EVERYBODY DOING?
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) I GOTTA SAY, YOU GUYS-- YOU GUYS
ARE LOOKING GOOD.
YOU'RE LOOKING GOOD OUT THERE, AMERICA.
I'VE GOT TO ASK-- HAVE YOU LOST WEIGHT?
LIKE, MAYBE 239 POUNDS?
BECAUSE DONALD TRUMP HAS LEFT THE COUNTRY.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) YEAH.
A WEIGHT OFF YOUR CHEST.
>> Jon: GET IT OFF!
GET IT OFF YOUR CHEST!
>> Stephen: AS WE SPEAK, THE PRESIDENT IS JETTING TO DAVOS,
SWITZERLAND, FOR THE WORLD ECONOMIC FORUM, AN ANNUAL
GATHERING THAT DRAWS THE WORLD'S ELITESES FROM THE WORLD OF
BUSINESS, FINANCE, POLITICS AND PUBLIC AFFAIRS.
BASICALLY, IT'S WHAT LEX LUTHOR WOULD POINT HIS SPACE LASER AT.
( LAUGHTER ) NOW, FOR THOSE OF YOU WHO
HAVEN'T BEEN INVITED, LIKE I HAVEN'T, IT'S A BUNCH OF FANCY
PEOPLE WHO THINK YOU CAN SOLVE THE WORLD'S PROBLEMS AT AN
UNLIMITED FONDUE BAR.
WHILE HE'S THERE, TRUMP "WILL GIVE AN ADDRESS AND MEET WITH
FOREIGN LEADERS, INCLUDING RWANDAN PRESIDENT PAUL KAGAME."
"PRESIDENT KAGAGOOGOO, I HAVE HEARD GREAT THINGS ABOUT YOUR
(BLEEP)-HOLE."
I SAY THE GREAT THINGS.
I SAID GRATE GREAT THINGS.
NOW, HERE'S THE DEAL.
TRUMP'S ENTIRE CAMPAIGN FOR PRESIDENT WAS AGAINST THE
GLOBALIZATION AND THE WORLD'S ELITE.
SO WHY'S HE GOING?
WELL, ACCORDING TO DIRECTOR OF THE NATIONAL ECONOMIC COUNCIL,
AND MAN WATCHING HIS HAIR FLOAT AWAY, GARY COHN, "TRUMP WANTS TO
REMIND THE WORLD THAT WE ARE OPEN FOR BUSINESS."
AND CLOSED TO IMMIGRANTS, WHICH THOSE BUSINESSES REALLY NEED TO
WORK.
SO, IF YOU GUYS COULD JUST SNEAK IN, THAT WOULD BE GREAT.
NOW, TRUMP INITIALLY DIDN'T WANT TO GO TO DAVOS, BUT HE GOT A
FRIENDLY NUDGE FROM FRENCH PRESIDENT AND YOUR WIFE'S
TENNIS INSTRUCTOR WHO STRAIGHT UP TELLS YOU HE'S GOING TO HAVE
SEX WITH HER, EMMANUEL MACRON.
WHEN HE LEARNED THAT TRUMP WASN'T PLANNING ON GOING, MACRON
SLYLY ENCOURAGED HIM TO TAKE HIS "AMERICA FIRST" BRAVADO TO
DAVOS.
MACRON IS CLEARLY JUST TRYING TO EMBARRASS TRUMP HERE, RIGHT?
"OUI, OUI, GO TO DAVOS, MONSIEUR TRUMP.
THEY WILL LOVE YOU THERE.
WEAR THAT WONDERFUL LITTLE HAT WITH THE WORDS ON IT AND ONE OF
THOSE TIES THAT GOES DOWN TO YOUR KNEES, TRES CHIC."
MWAH!
♪ ♪ ♪ THANK YOU VERY MUCH.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) DA-DA-DA!
AND AND TO CLINCH THE DEAL, MACRON MADE THE CONFERENCE SOUND
FUN.
SO THAT'S ALL YOU HAVE TO DO?
SIR, HAVE YOU HEARD ABOUT THIS HAPPENING PLACE CALLED FEDERAL
PRISON?
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) IT'S ALL-- IT'S ALL
CHEESEBURGERS... YEAH.
VERY, VERY, FEW STAIRS.
AND YOUR FAMILY WON'T HAVE TO VISIT YOU BECAUSE THEY WILL
ALREADY BE THERE!
I HAVE HEARD DAVOS IS FANCY.
I MEAN, IT'S WHERE HOITY GO TO GET THEIR TOITY ON.
AND THE ADMINISTRATION IS SENSITIVE THAT IT MIGHT MAKE
TRUMP SEEM OUT OF TOUCH.
BUT HERE'S WHAT THE MAN LEADING TRUMP'S DELEGATION, TREASURY
SECRETARY AND EVIL JOHN OLIVER, STEVE MNUCHIN--
( LAUGHTER ) HERE'S WHAT HE-- HERE'S WHAT HE
SAID ABOUT DAVOS: >> I DIDN'T REALIZE THAT IT WAS
THE GLOBAL ELITE.
>> Stephen: YEAH.
A BLUE-COLLAR GUY LIKE STEVE MNUCHIN WOULDN'T KNOW WHAT THE
GLOBAL ELITE EVEN LOOK LIKE.
I MEAN, HE'S TOO BUSY WORKING UP A SWEAT AT HIS DAY JOB: HOLDING
UP SHEETS OF MONEY WITH CRUELLA de VILLE.
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
♪ ♪ ♪ "WE'LL TAKE A LOT OF THESE.
PUT IT IN THE TRUCK."
BUT ONE PERSON HAS DECIDED NOT TO GO DAVOS, BECAUSE "MELANIA
TRUMP WILL NO LONGER JOIN THE PRESIDENT IN DAVOS" DUE TO
"SCHEDULING AND LOGISTICAL ISSUES."
YES, THERE WERE LOGISTICAL ISSUES.
FOR INSTANCE, THE WEATHER.
SHE WAS AFRAID IT WAS GOING TO BE TOO "STORMY."
YES.
( LAUGHTER ) SO FAR, WASHINGTON'S GOTTEN
FROSTY.
( LAUGHTER ) WELL, WE'LL HAVE MORE ON DAVOS
TOMORROW MAYBE.
WHO KNOWS?
AGAIN, THE WHOLE THING IS STUPID.
BUT TRUMP MAY STAY OVER THERE FOR AWHILE, BECAUSE ROBERT
MUELLER IS-- WHAT'S THE WORD-- DOING HIS JOB.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) HARDWORKING MAN.
HIS JOB SEEMS TO BE INVESTIGATING WHETHER TRUMP
TRIED TO OBSTRUCT JUSTICE.
TURNS OUT, WHEN TRUMP WAS INTERVIEWING THEN-ACTING F.B.I.
DIRECTOR AND SADDEST WARBY PARKER MODEL, ANDREW McCABE, FOR
THE TOP JOB AT THE BUREAU, TRUMP ASKED McCABE WHO HE VOTED FOR IN
THE 2016 ELECTION.
"NOT THAT I CARE.
I'M JUST ASKING FOR A FRIEND WHO'S GOING TO FIRE YOU."
( LAUGHTER ) NOW, HERE'S THE THING: YOU'RE
NOT SUPPOSED TO ASK THAT!
EVEN DONALD TRUMP KNOWS IT'S SUPPOSED TO BE A SECRET BALLOT.
AND-- NO HE DOESN'T.
( LAUGHTER ) NOW, APPARENTLY-- "WHO ARE YOU
VOTING?
IS THAT-- WHO ARE YOU VOTING FOR?