[visible confusion] ...what the f was that?
Last night’s episode of Raw saw the return that no-one has been asking for, The SweatMan,
The Apex Perspirator, The Big Sog, The Most Sweatifying Man In All Of Sports Entertainment,
The Greatest Wrestler In The Woooooooooorld...
THE OMNI-SHANE!
Just when I thought I was out…
Shane-O-Mac made his shock, slightly preannounced return on last night’s Raw - his first time
on WWE TV since SmackDown’s debut episode on Fox on October 4, where he lost a Career
vs Career match to Kevin Owens.
And he was break the first rule of Fight Club.
By telling everyone about his new Fight Club.
In WWE’s latest gimmick that will be dropped completely in three weeks’ time - like Corey
Graves’ Electric Chair, The Wildcard Rule, Cross-Brand Invitationals, Raw’s darker
third hour, and ‘Humberto Carillo’, Raw Underground will see simulated MMA-style “shoot”
fights in a ring with no ropes, Shane yelling commentary on a PA system, and strippers.
And we already have an answer to the question I’ve been asking myself repeatedly since:
why?
Shane’s return was actually announced a few hours before Raw went on the air, to which
Dave Meltzer responded by saying “This was the response to the fear of a record low number
tonight.”
While NXT and AEW have steadily been climbing back up to pre-pandemic levels, Raw has been
setting record low viewership figures in lockdown.
And with no Paul Heyman to blame anymore - it’s all your fault, Paul Heyman - WWE has to try
something drastic, like how Vince McMahon laid out on last Thursday’s investors call:
“I think we can have more compelling characters, better storylines, new characters coming to
where we are now, and more content that isn’t necessarily in the ring, but one that focuses
on our individuals and their stories outside the ring.”
Outside the ring meaning ‘my son in the basement.’
That wasn’t the only last minute ratings grab announced by Raw just hours before the
show, either.
There was a new faction teased to debut.
Because, as ever, plans were being rewritten all day.
Gary Cassidy of Sportskeeda posted a series of tweets last night, describing the backstage
atmosphere in WWE as “totally unprepared” and “chaos from the top”.
They recorded two episodes of Raw yesterday, with the first show “changing on the fly
while the second [episode] is still apparently incomplete”.
Cassidy would go on to say “The shows will happen and air, but there's no attainable
goal of quality because everything is decided under the pressure cooker of it all coming
down to the very last minute” - which is “even wilder than usual.”
“Vince's mood is described as "volatile" as a result of the indecisiveness and chaos
of today.”
Which isn’t that surprising as while all this was going down, The Rock bought his XFL.
Go home now, 2020.
You’re drunk.
Rock “The Dwayne” Johnson, his longtime business partner Dany Garcia, and RedBird
Capital, all announced that they’ve purchased the XFL, including all its assets, for $15m
and split the price evenly.
The company had filed for bankruptcy earlier this year, following Vince McMahon shutting
it down due to the pandemic.
The XFL was due to be auctioned off yesterday - which is when The Dwayne bought it.
But the move isn’t without controversy.
The XFL still owes a lot of money to other debtors - and they’re committee has filed
a motion to stop the sale because they want a higher price.
The bankruptcy court will decide what happens next on Friday.
And if it goes through, The Dwayne will have his own football promotion by the 21st.
Now watch, and marvel, as I try to review last night’s insane episode of Raw
in under five minutes…
The show opened on technical problems, with the lights occasionally flickering on and
off - which Tom Phillips dismissed as probably just the weather.
Have you ever seen any wrestling show ever, Tom?
A debut is being teased.
CM Punk return confirmed.
This continued through the first match of self-declared US Champion MVP taking on actual
US champion Apollo Crews.
Because that’s how you’ll get people to watch, give everyone titles!
MORE CHAMPIONSHIPS MONDAY Crews retained in a really decent match, so
MVP demanded a rematch at SummerSlam even though he just lost clean.
Kevin Owens staged a This Is Your Life KO Show special, reuniting Ruby Riott with Liv
Morgan next!
They worked together to beat up the IIconics and promised the Riott Squad would now be
stronger than ever.
Guys, Sarah Logan is probably watching this episode from home!
Drew McIntyre cut an awesome promo on Randy Orton next, saying yeah Drew was fired once,
but from what he’s heard backstage, Randy should’ve been fired a whole bunch of times
- a shoot reference to Orton’s Wellness Policy violations.
Oh yeah, and Ric Flair’s back now, offering his managerial services to Kevin Owens, who
went for a match against Orton next week instead.
Which is a shame, as RKOKO should be a new faction based on those letters alone!
Nia Jax went to apologise to the official she beat up last week, but instead challenged
him to a match because he’s ginger?
The dude suspended her without pay - who is this guy and how does he have the power to
do that - so Nia headbutted him.
In the second kind-of title loss for the Hurt Business of the night, ninjas distracted Benjamin,
letting Akira Tozawa pin R-Truth in the ring.
Which somehow isn’t even remotely the weirdest sentence I can say about this show.
After Shayna Baszler awesomely punched Sasha Banks in the face earlier, the two had my
match of the night, going back and forth, working around submissions, really getting
over Shayna’s unique style of threat.
So, of course, it had an awful, nonsensical finish.
Asuka attacked Bayley outside the ring - two people who aren’t involved in the match,
and the sort of angle that occurs on practically every episode of wrestling TV ever - which
inexplicably caused the DQ for Banks vs Baszler.
Caruso alert!
Charly made Asuka watch a full promo package about her losing her title and her best friend
getting brutally beaten up before she was allowed to speak - dick move, Caruso - for
Asuka to demand a rematch against Banks at SummerSlam.
Shayna wished her well, only so she can win the title afterward.
And Banks accepted - but only if Asuka can beat Bayley next week.
Which brilliantly caught Bayley by surprise - further sowing those dissension seeds - even
though she’s done the exact same thing with Banks in the past!
Demi Burnett from The Bachelor is flirting with Angel Garza backstage - what?
And then we finally got Raw Underground.
The first match was Dabbo-Kato - formerly named Babatunde - destroying some random dude
in the Fight Club, no-ring ropes style, but still complete with nauseating Kevin Dunn
camera shots and editing, and, most ridiculously… ...dancing girls!
Yeah, ratings.
This doesn’t come across as desperate at all!
Dancing girls aside, I actually don’t hate the idea.
When lockdown first happened, I pushed WWE and AEW to lean into the bunker Fight Club
style idea.
The current world situation is a hindrance, for sure, but it’s also an opportunity to
present wrestling in a new way - like Lucha Underground, just without the sci fi and supernatural.
They’re trying something new, and that is to be applauded.
Let’s see how it is in a month’s time.
I’m kidding, it won’t last that long.
Rather than Raw Underground being the full third hour of Raw, though, it then just cut
back to normal Raw with Tom Phillips going ‘well, that’s a thing.
Looks good!
We’ll check back in later!’
That’s it?
That’s all you have to say on the illegal fight ring that’s just sprung up next door,
run by the son of the owner of the company?
We’ll keep you updated?
The Street Profits then took on Angel Garza and Andrade in singles competition - where
they should’ve told the story of Garza and Andrade being individually stronger, but the
Profits being more than the sum of their parts.
But they told the story of Montez Ford being poisoned instead.
Erik from the Viking Raiders murdered some guy over on Underground, LOOK AT THE SEXY
DANCERS! and Phillips is like ‘well that’s a feisty little scuffle they’ve got themselves
over there’.
Then the other random storyline chucked at the wall - the flickering lights - were revealed
to be the work of a mysterious faction of hooded wrestlers.
Sounds cool, right?
Not when WWE do it.
Security footage showed five Vacants yelling stupidly and then throwing a molotov cocktail
at a generator.
The sort of vandalism that WWE really should’ve noticed beforehand.
It sounded like at least one was a woman, but I still think it’ll be the Undisputed
Era + Dominic Dijacovic.
Because they’re too short otherwise, and he’ll bring the average height up by half
a foot.
Who do you think is in the faction?
Let me know in the comments because I’ll be replying to people FROM OUTTA SHANE’S
SEXY FIGHT CLUB!
After a really long recap of the Rollins vs Mysterio saga, Seth threatened Tom Philips
for being bias and cheering on Dominic last week.
Samoa Joe really awesomely stood up to him, in that badass way only Joe can do, for Dominic
to attack Seth and Buddy showing some really cool fire.
But the main event was Underground’s.
After Dolph Ziggler beat another dude, the Hurt Business announced they’re now in control
here.
LOOK AT THE SEXY DANCERS!
Lashley, MVP and Benjamin each beat someone up - one of them being Dio Maddin - as if
they put over everyone on normal Raw on their way out, because they were being called up
to the new Underground roster.
Making Underground look like it’s run by losers from the offset.
What did you think of that insane episode?
Let me know in the comments.
Because I really don’t know.
It certainly held my attention.
LOOK AT THE SEXY DANCERS!
I didn’t hate the Fight Club idea.
The Women’s Division is still really good.
And I’m intrigued about the faction.
This is a new rating.
This week’s Raw is F****** INSANE.
How will the WWE Draft play into this?
Click the video on the right to find out!
And what are the 10 biggest mistakes WWE made with the Undertaker?
Click the video below that for Adam Blampied’s latest list.
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I’ve been Oli Davis, and that was wrestling.