Today we're answering the question, why does my ex seem so happy without me?
But first, my name is Clay with modernlove.life where we help you get the great loving relationship
that you're looking for without having to play mind games, without having to play hard
to get, and without having to pretend to be someone or something that you're not because
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Anyway, let's go ahead and get into this.
So after a breakup, there's a couple different angles to approach this from.
So let's go ahead and start with a few.
After a breakup, you have to understand that your ex probably left the relationship because
something in the relationship wasn't working.
So in a certain respect it makes sense that being out of the relationship might have removed
some pain or some issue that your ex was facing in their life.
And so potentially being out of the relationship could cause them to actually feel better at
least initially.
Again, I don't know the specifics of your situation because this is just a video on
YouTube and I haven't necessarily spoken to you personally yet, but if they were not feeling
good in the relationship, if they were suffering, if they were not enjoying being in the relationship,
then being out of the relationship could provide some at least temporary ease of that pain.
That's that's like obviously the number one thing that people jump to that conclusion
and sure it absolutely makes sense.
Now going on beyond that we have to work at some other things that we're having now.
Obviously, your relationship wasn't all terrible, otherwise you wouldn't have been in a relationship
to begin with.
But something happened that started to get that connection to go downhill and that is
absolutely worth acknowledging.
But there are also good things about that relationship.
And I'm sure that your ex probably misses you to some degree.
They probably miss the closeness that you had and they probably miss the connection
that you had to some degree.
And so what happens is that people want to act with consistency towards the actions that
they've made.
They wanted to think that they've made the right choices and so they go ahead and try
to make it seem like the choices they've made in the past were the right choices.
And that includes breaking up with you.
So your ex may try to put out the image, the appearance that they have made the right choice
by breaking up with you.
They may do this through what we call posturing, trying to really only show the world or show
you or show the people in their lives a specific slice of how they feel and they're trying
to put out a specific image to the world that, Hey, everything's great.
My life is better now that I'm not in that relationship anymore.
Now that I'm single, everything is wonderful.
But maybe that's not the full picture about how they feel, especially if you're just looking
on social media, on Facebook and things like that.
Typically speaking, most people will not share, let's just say some less than enjoyable moments
or experiences or thoughts that they're having on Facebook.
How do you win at social media?
You basically make it look like you live a perfect life.
And so none of us are living perfect lives.
We're all humans, we all have good days and bad days, and we all have our concerns, and
our worries, and our fears, and things that we're dealing with and all of that.
And just know that your ex is no different just because they may be posting a lot of
things online.
It says that their life is wonderful and perfect and everything.
It doesn't necessarily mean that that's true.
It's just what they're showing to the world.
You It doesn't tell you what's keeping them up at night.
It doesn't tell you what they're concerned about, what they're worried about, what they're
anxious about.
If they are doubting that maybe they made the right choice or not, it's just what they
feel comfortable showing the world.
Most people don't post intensely honest things on social media unless they're just trying
to get sympathy from other people or something like that.
But just keep that in mind when it comes to the social media side of things.
Now, if your ex seems to be moving on and seems to be quite happy after the breakup,
sure, maybe there's some initial relief from whatever pain or suffering they were experiencing
in the relationship with you that probably caused the breakup to begin with, but there's
also this side that they could just be posturing, they could just be trying to put on this act,
put on this show to the world to either give the impression that they made the right choice
or to try and rationalize in their own mind that they made the right choice.
Because again, we all want to think that we made the right choices in life, whether that's
with relationships or dating or anything else.
We want to believe that we made the right choices.
And so just know that what you may be seeing isn't necessarily the full picture.
It's not necessarily the entire slice, whether it's on social media or whether it's based
off of conversations that you're having with your ex, especially if you're not able to
cut down beneath into the emotional level of communication.
You're just like skimming across on surface level communication.
You're probably not going to get the full story from your ex.
You're probably not going to get the full depth of how they feel and what they're experiencing
and all of that.
So you want to, additionally, number one, don't just judge everything that they say
based off of what they're presenting on social media.
But number two, when you do get the chance to interact with them and when you do get
the chance to actually talk with them one-on-one, whether that's through texting or ideally
on the phone or in person or something, you want to kind of cut down through those deeper
emotional levels down to a deeper place where you can connect emotionally rather than just
talking about surface level communications.
Like the weather or the current thing that's in the news, or TV shows, or work gossip,
or sports or anything like that.
You want to talk about something that's a little bit deeper.
Because typically, when it comes to social interactions, we walked into them a little
bit guarded, a little bit caged, and we don't really start to open up until we get the sense
that it's safe to do so with somebody else.
So how do we know that it's safe to open up to somebody else?
Well typically, it's because the other person opens up and is honest with us first.
And most people don't want to be the first person to open up themselves.
They don't want to be the first person to be vulnerable.
And so you want to be able to lead that way and be vulnerable and share how you're feeling
and what you're experiencing and all of that stuff with your ex.
Obviously, do it in a responsible fashion, like don't come out with some guilt trip.
Like, "Oh my life is terrible since we've broken up," or anything.
But don't lie about it either.
You may want to check out our playlist on advanced relational skills up there.
It helps you to get an understanding about all of this stuff.
But still, you want to be able to start by leading the way with vulnerability yourself.
Once your ex sees and understands that you are committed to the interaction, they are
much more likely to open up and share some things themselves.
And as you start to cut down to that deeper level of emotional connection, you'll find
that they will start to drop their guard, they will open up to you a little bit more,
and they might even be willing to admit that life hasn't been completely perfect ever since
the breakup.
And that maybe they have their own doubts, maybe they have their own things that they
worry about, maybe they aren't sure if they made the right choice, maybe they miss you,
maybe they missed the time that you shared together.
Sure, maybe there were issues in their relationship there.
They're probably also good things too.
And maybe it's sometimes felt like they've thrown the baby out with the bath water as
they say.
And so this kind of conversation is really the only kind of conversation is only something
that you can have if you're able to cut down to that emotional level.
If you're able to stop talking about sports, and stop talking about gossip, and stop talking
about current events, and stop talking about all of these things that don't matter, all
this surface level communication, you have to be able to descend down into the emotional
level of communication.
Okay?
Again, check out that thing on advanced relational skills to learn more about that.
It's entire topic in and of itself.
We've covered in several videos, but that's what you want to do in order to get down to
that truth about whether or not your ex's actually does regret breaking up with you,
whether they do miss you, whether they miss some of the nice things that the two of you
shared or maybe they just are genuinely authentically happy because maybe they were just so genuinely
miserable with whatever was going on in the relationship.
And I'm not saying that to make you feel bad or anything.
It's just sometimes when you put two different people together, their personalities don't
come together in a harmonious way and it can result in misunderstandings, it can result
in hurt feelings, it can result in all sorts of things that maybe just unintentionally
created suffering for your ex.
Okay.
And if you want to get back together, obviously you're going to need to, number one, cut down
to that emotional level of communication, so that you can actually connect with one
another.
You're not going to get back together just because you talked about sports or you said,
"Hey, how are you?"
Or you were asking them about something that happened at work or something like that.
You're going to get back together with them because you were able to connect with them
on an emotional level, create a significant emotional bond with them.
You're going to get back together with them because you showed them that they aren't walking
back into the same relationship that they walked out of.
That's another topic for another day.
And you're also going to get back together with them because you've helped to navigate
friction.
The things that keep the two of you from being together, like maybe they're in a rebound
relationship or maybe they feel embarrassed telling all their friends and family that
"Hey, right after I worked up the nerve to tell you all that we broke up.
Now I'm coming back and telling you that we're seeing each other again, and I'm concerned
because I want to make sure that this is the real thing before I get all the way in."
And so you can just need to navigate those three things, the emotional connection, a
resolving what caused the breakup in the first place, and also navigating situational friction.
Anyway, this has been Clay.
Hope you've enjoyed this video.
Once again, give this video a thumbs up.
Subscribe if you're not already, and if you want more, please feel free to check out this
playlist over here on advanced relational skills.
Or you might be interested in this video over here.
But once again, thanks so much and I'll talk to you next time.