Welcome to Bikini Bottom Inquirer.
Here's your anchor.
And here's your host.
You know his name.
You know, his marvelous mustache,
the one the only, Lurch Lurkins.
Um, that's Perch Perkins.
I'm the one who doesn't have a mustache.
Oh. Hmm.
Hey, I- I could grow a mustache, too, if I wanted.
Yeah, whatever. Here's Perch Perkins.
Thank you. I think.
Here's tonight's top stories.
Crazy Goggles, the hottest new product
sweeping the ocean is being recalled,
thanks to a horrifying side effect.
Then, the number of brand new TV sets
being thrown directly in the trash skyrockets
to a record breaking one.
Stay tuned to find out why.
And lastly, a fight between neighbors
escalates into a tragic, imaginary disaster.
Wow, that is hard to imagine.
But first, residents of Bikini Bottom
can't get enough of Crazy Goggles.
An apparent new wavy way of seeing.
I need my glasses.
But are these water goggles safe?
We have received numerous reports
that users of these new goggles have noticed
a terrifying side effect.
Having their normal fish eyes temporarily transformed
into what experts are calling "grotesque human eyes".
[screaming]
We here at the Bikini Bottom Inquirer
are performing an investigation
to learn exactly what a so called human is.
But if these horrifying eyeballs are any indication,
a human is certainly some kind of disgusting monster.
[shrieking] Oh. Oh, sorry, Hans.
I forgot you were here.
That's our intern.
Now let's check in with DoodleBob for his thoughts
in our new segment, Drawing Conclusions.
It's time for Drawing Conclusions
with Doodle Bob.
[babbling]
Mm, mm-hmm, yeah. Got it.
Thanks. Thanks. Thanks. Thanks for that DoodleBob.
This has been Drawing Conclusions
with DoodleBob.
But now the newest hot topic sweeping the ocean.
Boxes.
Boxes? Did I read that right?
Oh. Oh, okay, just regular boxes.
That's right. While local television manufacturer Samswum
was investigating a new trend of consumers
throwing their brand new TVs directly in the trash,
they discovered an alarming pattern.
An overwhelming majority of cable programs seemed
to revolve exclusively around boxes.
It is here that the boxes reach their final stage of assembly.
The equation is illustrate here by this box.
I couldn't afford a present this year,
so I got you this box.
That's what I got you.
While we all love a good box related story,
is it possible viewers are getting tired
of all the boxes?
Isn't there anything on that isn't about boxes?!
Are boxes becoming square?
We have local skeleton Smitty Werbenjägermanjensen
with his thoughts on line two.
[beeping, dialing]
[dial tone]
He was number one.
Oh, of course.
[beeping, dialing]
Mr. Werbenjägermanjensen, can you hear me?
Yeah. I spend most of my time inside a box,
so believe me when I tell you that television writers
are just not thinking outside the box.
I mean, they have box romances, boxumetries.
Even boxing has been taken over by boxes.
It's disgusting, man.
So, you're saying people don't want to watch
content exclusively about boxe?
[chuckles]
Okay, kind of a hot take, but whatever you say.
Perch, believe me-
Noe for our top story.
Imaginary Disaster strikes Bikini Bottom.
We turn to Lurch Lurkins live on the scene.
Hooray! Finally!
Hey, announcer guy! Zip it!
[zipping]
Thanks, Perch. [chuckles]
[zipping]
Nice 'stache, Lurch.
Why, thank you.
Come on, Lurch, the story!
I'm Lurch Larkin's live at the scene of what started
as a verbal dispute between neighbors,
which has quickly gotten out of hand.
No, no hand, not Hans.
Where- Where are the ears on you?
Politicians and citizens alike have criticized
Bikini Bottom's new box kicking law.
[sirens blaring]
Attention: we have you surrounded.
Come out with your hands up!
[gasping] Obviously I violated
some new box kicking law.
But when repeat box kicking offender
Squidward Q. Tentacles kicked his latest box,
the ocean finally saw just how necessary the new law is.
Because the careless violation of that law triggered
an imaginary avalanche so horrible
that it wouldn't be right to show it on TV.
And here's the footage.
Will you two shut up?!
[SpongeBob, Patrick screaming]
Oh. Oh, the humanity.
[SpongeBob, Patrick screaming]
I'm imagining the horror right now.
[crying]
[Patrick] Hold me.
- Oh, that's awful. - Hang in there, buddy.
The chopper's on the way.
SpongeBob, my lips are frozen solid.
Ah, that's terrible.
- ...the saw. - No, Patrick, I can't do that.
Why not?
Because I already cut off my own arms.
- No! - I- I- I- can't look away.
Oh, the imaginary nightmares this will give me.
An imaginary investigation into the perpetrator is underway
as imaginary police investigate this imaginary crime scene.
Lurch, do you have any word on how this argument started?
Yes, we do, Perch.
Based on this footage and my own wild speculation,
it is overwhelmingly obvious that the victim attempted
to cast some sort of rainbow magic spell on Mr. Tentacles.
You heard it here first, folks.
Box dwelling rainbow wizards run rampant in Bikini Bottom.
If I were you, I'd panic.
[screaming]
[beeping]
One witness, Gerald Gary Wilson, Jr had this to say.
Meow.
Which we take to be absolute confirmation
that our assessment is correct.
The box in question also gave its opinion, saying this.
Which we take as confirmation of Gary's confirmation,
confirming that the confirmation of our assessment is confirmed.
I'm Lurch Lurkins.
Yay!
Back to you, Perch.
Boo!
[groaning]
I'm Perch Perkins, and I promise I will grow a mustache.
Won't matter.
Ugh.
And that's all the news that's fit to float.
Good night.
Lurch and his mustache.
I could grow a mustache. I- I could grow
with sideburns and a mustache if I wanted to,
which I don't, but I could.
Lurch's mustache, the bane of my existence.