I was once at a conference with other sex and relationship
experts in which one of the presenters said that jealousy
doesn't exist. She was essentially arguing that
jealousy isn't even real. It is a feeling that arises from
another thing. It is masquerading as a real thing.
But it's essentially something that we made up as a culture.
And I don't agree. Also, I don't think that's a very useful way
of thinking about jealousy, jealousy. In my experience,
Israel, even if it arises from something else, it still feels
very real when I'm experiencing it, and maybe you've experienced
it to watching your partner get hit on by someone else, watching
her give extra special attention and smile and wink and wiggle
her butt at someone else, maybe dancing with someone on the
dance floor. Maybe it's not even another guy. Maybe she's
lavishing one of her friends or even her own kid with a tension
when suddenly you feel it, of pain, uncomfortable feeling a
mix of possessiveness and fear and anger and jealousy. In this
video, I'm going to talk about jealousy and insecurity, where
they come from and how to overcome them in five simple
steps, so that you can get free of the evil Green Monster before
it ruins you. But why even deal with us? Well, most of us
experience jealousy and most of us do not like that experience.
unchecked jealousy can damage your relationships, it can cause
paralysis in you because you don't know how to move or act or
B. But trust me, you do not have to be a slave to this emotion.
Jealousy is ugly, and unattractive. And it is a huge
problem for a lot of people. And the same is true of insecurity,
which is defined as uncertainty or anxiety about oneself or a
lack of confidence. And if you are a subscriber, that's
awesome. Over here, you will know that insecurity is just
about the most unattractive trait that a person can display.
And if you're a man and you are displaying insecurity, you are
going to look less and less desirable as a partner. And by
the way, if you identify as a jealous person, you're not alone
for many years in my own relationships I identified as a
jealous person, but I figured it out. So if that's you know that
I was just like you and here I am in the jealous recovery club
population us and if you are in this club, or you are interested
in membership, please write in the comments Kaitlyn, I too. I'm
going to recover from jealousy, and no longer identify as an
insecure person. But bam. But first, what even is jealousy?
Jealousy is an overwhelming feeling of insecurity about a
potential loss, or inequity and distribution of resources,
meaning that you're getting less than someone else. The term is
often associated with being possessive of another person,
such as a partner or a friend. And in our culture, jealousy and
possessiveness are literally revered as signs of romantic
love, in monogamous relationships. Like if you're
not jealous, do you even love me, this is not healthy, nor
does it have to be this way. Jealousy itself is an emotion
that we are taught it is not something that we are born with.
Because different cultures have different relationships with
jealousy, which lets us know that it is not just an innate
human trait, which brings me to a really important word that I'm
delighted to be sharing with you which is compersion. The word
conversion comes to us from the non monogamy community, which
are people who are having ethical relationships with more
than one person at the same time, and it can loosely be
defined as the opposite of jealousy. So instead of feeling
upset or threatened when your partner is romantically or
sexually interacting with another person, you feel a sense
of happiness for them. In other words, their happiness makes you
happy, even if their happiness is them connecting with flirting
with engaging with another person. And the reason that I
share this is because jealousy is not a standard issue, emotion
in relationships, some people are born feeling jealousy and
they're able to feel compassion, and whether or not you are non
monogamous, you are able to feel compassion, happiness for your
partner's happiness. And I'm going to teach you how So here
are my five steps for dealing with jealousy and insecurity in
a relationship. And these are the five steps that I personally
went through to get to where I am today. Number one, get aware
awareness is always the first step. Name, the feeling and
observe it without acting on it. We feel that rush of jealousy,
our breathing shortens, we feel our heart beating in our chest,
call it what it is. Oh my gosh, I I am experiencing an attack of
jealousy right now. acting too soon on jealousy is how we end
up hurting ourselves and others being aware of oh my gosh, I am
feeling jealousy right now. Not I am jealous not my life is over
not I have to divorce my partner, just wow, I am
experiencing jealousy is step number one. Step number two,
perform a reality check. Ask yourself has someone overstepped
my boundary, okay? Has someone actually broken an agreement? Am
I really being injured in this moment. So for example, you are
at a party and you look over, and all of a sudden you see your
partner making out with another person? Well, if you have a
agreement in place that you're not allowed to just make out
with other people. Cool, this does pass a reality check, a
boundary was broken. And now you get to deal with it with a cool
head. Even if all you want to do is storm over there and rip them
apart and scream in their faces. You have the opportunity to do
this from a grounded place instead of a triggered and
traumatic place. You know, punching the guy in the mouth
feels right in the moment, but it doesn't end well. Trust me. I
have done a lot of stupid shit from a place of trauma from a
place of trigger from a place of, oh my god, I have to act
right now and tell this bitch to get off of my man. It wasn't an
enlightened act. And I'm not proud of it, which is why I'm
telling you learn from my experience. It is not fun to
live with regrets because you hurt someone who didn't need to
be hurt. If you ask yourself. Okay, hang on reality check. Are
they actually breaking an agreement? Or is it just that
I'm experiencing jealousy? So say you look over and your
partner is smiling, laughing what we would call flirting with
another person but there's nothing that they're doing that
is against your rules. There's no broken agreement. There's no
actual injury. You don't have a rule in your relationship that
she's not allowed to laugh at some other guys joke, then the
opportunity is for you to ask yourself.
Whoa,
what am I not feeling secure about? Maybe I'm feeling
insecure about my ability to make her laugh. Maybe I'm
feeling insecure because this guy's got a great style. And I'm
here wearing my Dungy, Dungy, grungy, dingy, dingy. I'm over
here wearing my dingy as clothing. And I feel very uncool
when I look at this guy. Or maybe you're insecure about your
ability to pleasure her. And you're looking at this biker
dude with his tattoos and his swagger. And you're thinking,
Oh, my God, this guy is definitely great at sex. Right
now. She's definitely thinking about how she rather have sex
with him than with me. And I am definitely going to lose her
realize that that story is in side of your head. And even
though it feels super real in the moment, it is not real. It's
not reality, even if literally you ask her later rethinking
about having sex with that guy. And she says, Yes, the way that
you're thinking about it still isn't really you're not a
flippin mind reader. So quit reading minds. All right, back
to the plan. Number three, use some tools to ground yourself in
the moment. So this is how you avoid doing the crazy stuff that
I have done and calling and screaming at people. Instead,
you take some deep breaths, you take a walk your journal out
your thoughts, you write a letter three to 11 different
times to your partner until you're actually calmed down.
Don't do the thing that I was definitely guilty of doing where
I would write all the crazy mean things I was going to say and
call it processing. Know, you can write that letter and then
burn it up and then write another one that is way more
tuned in and authentic to what you want to say instead of
turning your focus outside of yourself, which is very tempting
to do. Turn your focus inside to yourself where your jealousy is
arising from, I promise you the answers are in here. The answers
are not out there. There's also a bajillion different ways to
ground yourself. You can take a shower in the dark, you can sit
outside in nature, you can just remind yourself of what date it
is you can use mindfulness tactics, you can leave the party
and say, hey, I've got to go take care of myself. I'll
connect with you tomorrow. Google grounding techniques. If
none of those work for you, there are a million out there
because we all need to do it from time to time. Number four,
take care of your self, not just by grounding in this instance.
But really doing the actions that are going to build up your
sense of security. This is not a one time thing. This is a
journey, but doing things that help you feel more secure in
yourself. So go work on your motorcycle, go fix your favorite
meal that only you know how to slay. go camping by yourself and
survive in the wilderness. Do things that help you feel more
secure in yourself and then do things that help you You feel
more secure in your partnership, remind yourself of the things
that they do that show you love. So even though she's flirting
with that guy, right now, she lives with you, she loves you,
she does your dirty laundry, she handles your dingy socks, she
loves the crap out of you. Even if she finds him funny. Remind
yourself that your partner is trustworthy. I mean, only if
they are trustworthy. But most of us who are in long term
relationships, hopefully are with someone who we can trust.
That's why we're with them. So if she has a long history of
cheating with you on guys that she met at parties, maybe she's
not trustworthy. But if you've been together and she's never
cheated on you, and she is laughing, and hanging all over
that guy, but you know for a fact that she's trustworthy.
Remind yourself that she is focused on the positive aspects
of your relationship, which is going to be hard because your
mind is going to be throwing all kinds of poop at you like an
angry monkey telling you how you are not safe and they cannot be
trusted. And you need to go over there and punch someone in the
face right now. But if you are in a loving relationship, take a
moment to remind yourself of the love that you feel for your
partner. Do things that help you feel more secure with your
partner that include them, like arranging a date night,
arranging a trip out of town or arranging a surprise. Sometimes
what you really need is just to feel confident in your
partnership. And sometimes all that requires is taking care of
your partnership. Sometimes seeing your lady flirting with
another guy is a reminder that you haven't taken her out on a
great date night and you haven't your brains out really hard
recently. And so you're feeling a little bit like oh, no, maybe
she wants biker dude, her brains out shit. I got her brains out.
Oh, man, I can't believe I let a whole week go by without her
brains out. And if you're worried that you're not
competent at her brains now I made an entire course to teach
you exactly how to do that. It's called she comes to and it is
the female pleasure and orgasm masterclass. It walks you
through the four stages of making love to a woman, I teach
you all of my favorite techniques from oral sex to
different positions. And I teach you exactly how to give her an
orgasm through penetration. So if you're not feeling confident
and secure about yourself as a lover, you don't have to twiddle
your thumbs and hope that you just like get better like
calling your fairy godmother and just have her sprinkle some sex
dust on you. You can actually take actions to get better in
bed Checkout, she comes to the link is in the description
below. And then finally, remember to celebrate your
success. celebrate the fact that you didn't punch any buddy in
the face. celebrate the fact that you were able to ground
yourself celebrate the fact that you called a spade a spade, and
you named jealousy. Right when you felt it and you dealt with
it even if you had to leave the party even if you had to write a
mean letter even if you had to take a shower,
you
rock congratulations for doing that. celebrate your success
celebrate that you have now become aware that you need to
take your girlfriend or your wife on more dates like her Ray,
thank you biker dude with the tattoos for letting me know
where I need to take better care of myself where I need to go
home and work on my own motorcycle because that is what
makes me feel secure. And I now know that my relationship needs
a little tending to to feel really, really strong and
secure. Amazing. Celebrate the thought of yourself if you have
seen any of my videos, or if you've ever watched any of my
master classes, you know that celebrating is a huge, huge,
huge and totally underused component to your success. All
right, but what if, Caitlin, I tried everything and I am still
jealous, I am stuck in the deepest, most jealous rut. I'm
like you said that you were years ago, but I'm not getting
anywhere. Remember, this takes time I have been working on this
stuff for a literal decade and I still have plenty of work to do.
This is something that comes from more than just ourselves.
It comes from our culture. It comes from the movies that we
watched as a kid, the myths and the legends that we all sign up
for when you think about walking down the aisle and holy
matrimony until death do us part. This comes to us from the
wounding of our parents and our grandparents and their parents
before them. It is deep, but I beg you to consider how
beneficial it is for you to be working on this and healing it
not just for yourself, but for your parents and for your
children. And for generations in both directions, taking it on
yourself to do the hard work of dealing with jealousy and with
insecurity is so worth while it's the best gift that you can
give to yourself. If you need help with that please please
please apply for coaching with me and my team. There's a link
to our coaching program highperformance mail in the link
below. Also, if you are still struggling, I beg you look into
anxious attachment style. It might describe you and if it
does, there are plenty of prescribed things that you can
do about it. And then finally, what if you're watching this
because your partner's the jealous one like you feel great.
You actually know what compassion is you feel joy when
you see her over there giggling at some of the guys jokes,
you're like, yes,
hon.
Did that laughter so happy to see you happy? Well, if your
partner is the one that's experiencing jealousy, remember
to love them, but establish healthy boundaries with them.
Like say they keep looking at your phone, because they're
convinced that you're cheating on them. They're super jealous
and possessive. Put a passcode on your phone, and let them know
that you are not going to just be an open book because there's
nothing for them to worry about. Now, of course, this only works
if you are not secretly carrying on conversations with your extra
Middle School talking about the things that might have been and
playing house together on weekends. Like don't do that
shit. If you're cheating, well, then this isn't the answer to
it, just quit that shit. Maybe look into non monogamy I have a
great video on that. But locks keeping honest people honest is
true. And it is just one example of a boundary that you might
want to set in your relationship. also remind your
partner and help them to feel secure in your relationship. But
understand that you cannot make them feel secure. One of the
quickest and best ways to defuse jealousy in a situation is for
you to go. Oh my god, hon, that is so cute. Like, I love that
you think that that woman was so attracted to me that she is
secretly trying to suck my dick that I love you for that I love
that you think I'm so attractive that that is happening like
diffusing it with unconditional love. Or saying Oh, I know that
you are really struggling right now because I have female
friends that I spend time with and I get it. Like I understand
that that makes you feel insecure and my love for you is
unconditional. Even if you get super wound up and you want to
yell at me sometimes because you're so jealous. I love you.
Regardless, you would be surprised the shit is hard to
do. I'm not saying that's easy to do. That's very difficult,
but you will see that envious Green Monster just start to D
fleet in front of you right in front of your eyes. All it takes
is a little bit of love, for jealousy to go away. And if your
partner is a jealous man have him apply for high performance
male coaching. In summary, jealousy and insecurity do not
have to run your world. They do not have to ruin your
relationships. In fact, they need not ruin another moment of
your precious time here on planet Earth. I have given you
plenty of tools to ground to ask yourself have I really been
injured here and how to build up your own security so that you
are more resilient in the face of your partner having fun. And
I promise you from personal experience you can get through
this if you need help. I'm happy to show you the way make sure
you're subscribed. Take a second to check out she comes to or
apply for coaching. I love you so much. You have got this and I
will see you right here later.