When a news story falls through the cracks,
Lewis Black catches it for a segment we call "Back in Black."
-♪ ♪ -(applause and cheering)
The new year means new laws are going into effect
all across the country.
Think of them as America's New Year's resolutions.
But unlike our personal resolutions,
they're meant to last a little longer
than the first time we pass a Cheesecake Factory.
So let's take a look at some of the new laws debuting in 2019.
In New Hampshire, you must be at least 16 years old now
in order to get married,
but that's as long as you have parental consent.
Until now, girls could get married at 13,
and boys at 14.
Oh, no.
New Hampshire is raising the marriage age from 13 to 16?
Won't somebody think of R. Kelly?
(laughter)
But I'm...
but I'm glad they're raising the age!
(laughter)
Unbelievable.
No one is mature enough to make a long-term commitment
at age 13.
I know your bar mitzvah says you're a man,
but that's just bullshit
made up to get you in Xbox money.
(laughter)
Teenagers should not get married.
13, 16, it doesn't matter.
You still can't drink.
And drinking is the only way to get through a marriage.
(laughter, cheering, applause)
But it turns out that early marriage
isn't the worst thing that can happen to kids in America.
In Ohio, they've got a new law
that's a whole different kind of torture.
NEWSWOMAN: In the age of tweets and texts,
the state of Ohio is going retro.
Students there will now be required
to learn how to write in cursive
by the end of the fifth grade.
What's wrong with you, Ohio?
The only phrase anyone should learn in cursive is:
"Why the (bleep) am I writing in cursive?!"
There's no time I've been reading something and thought,
"I wish this was harder to read.
And... fancy."
Plus, it's the computer age-- we type everything.
Kids don't need to learn cursive--
unless they're going to go back in time
and write letters during the Civil War.
"Dearest Margaret, I'm 13.
Why am I here?"
But while Ohio is punishing its citizens,
Vermont's new laws are making it rain.
NEWSMAN: Vermont will begin paying people to move there,
up to $10,000 over two years
for people employed by out-of-state companies
who are willing to work in Vermont remotely
from a home office or a cooperative workspace.
We have a demographic problem in this state.
We need more people.
All right, Vermont,
I'm gonna tell you the same thing I told my aunt
when I saw her OkCupid page.
Quit acting so thirsty.
(laughter)
Seriously. You're offering ten grand to live in Vermont?
If a state has to pay you money to live in it,
that's a good sign I don't want to live in that state.
What good is $10,000 in Vermont?
That place is so dull, I'll have to spend the ten grand
on cocaine just to liven things up!
(laughter, applause, whooping)
If I wanted to go someplace cold and empty,
I could look in a mirror.
(laughter)
But should humans have all the fun?
Why can't these new laws mess around with animals' lives, too?
NEWSMAN: In California, as of January 1,
pets are now legally considered part of the family in divorces,
not just property.
Judges can assign sole or joint custody
based on the best interest of the pet.
Wow! This is beyond (bleep) stupid!
(laughter)
How do you determine the best interests of the pet?
What if it's a weasel?
Or a tarantula?
Even if it's a dog, you're just gonna have two lawyers
at opposite sides of the courtroom
calling its name.
And the winner will be whoever touched sausages that morning.
I say if we're gonna treat pets like children of a divorce,
let's not half-ass it.
We should really treat them like children of a divorce.
I'm sorry, Whiskers.
Cleaning your litter box drove Mommy and Daddy apart.
And the guilt will probably drive you...
-to the pole! -(laughter)
But look...
I know I'm always angry,
but my own New Year's resolution
is to try to find some good somewhere.
So there's one new law that I can really get behind.
NEWSMAN: Washington state cracks down on people
who misrepresent companion or emotional support pets
as trained service animals.
It's no longer just dogs and cats.
Some planes have become modern-day Noah's Arks.
Ducks, pigs, ferrets, hedgehogs, kangaroos,
even peacocks, all flying the increasingly furry skies.
(chuckles): Finally.
This emotional support animal thing has gone too far.
Nobody needs an emotional support animal.
I don't have an emotional support animal,
and look at me.
(laughter)
I've never been happier!
(laughter, applause, whooping)
Let's face it,
this was always a scam.
Last week my flight attendant had to explain why an anaconda
was slithering over my crotch.
Oh. It's a service snake?
Good. Then have it strangle that screaming baby.
-(laughter) -Trevor?
Lewis Black, everyone.