-We don't always have time to cover all of the recent news.
So here with a recap is one of our writers, Amber Ruffin,
in a segment called "Amber Says What."
[ Cheers and applause ]
-You guys, things have been crazy!
Okay, first of all, WNBA star Brittney Griner
was released from prison in Russia.
And I was like, "What?!"
Then Republican idiots Marjorie Taylor Greene
and Lauren Boebert had beef, and I was like, "What?"
Then everybody was talking about nepo babies,
and I was like, "What...is that?"
So the way it works is, if a famous person has a child
and that child grows up to be famous, they're a nepo baby.
Like Seth.
[ Laughter ]
-I'm not a nepo baby.
-Yes, you are. Lorne Michaels is your dad.
[ Laughter ]
-No, he's not.
-Then why do you need his approval so bad?
[ Laughter and applause ]
-Maybe he -- Maybe he is my dad.
-So it turns out that, like, every famous person
is related to another famous person.
And I was like, "What?!"
And people were mad about it, but I wasn't,
because I'm a nepo baby, too.
My moms are Sheryl Lee Ralph and Janelle Monáe.
That's not true. I'm lying.
Just like my no-good dad, New Edition.
Okay, so for a while there,
everybody was doing that Lensa AI thing,
where you upload a bunch of photos of yourself
and it spits out a bunch of beautiful illustrations of you.
And I saw those transformations and I was like, "What?!
I'm gonna do it!"
But then people were like, "Do not use this software.
It owns the pictures you upload to it."
And I was like, "Pictures like this?"
And they were like, "Yes. It's dangerous.
Don't do that." And I was like, "Don't do this?"
And they were like, "Yes!" And I was like, "This?"
And they were like, "Yes!" And I was like, "Too late!"
So then I heard something crazy.
I heard that in 2023, Bill Cosby is reportedly going on tour.
And I was like, "What?!"
What kind of tour?
An apology tour?
Why would you pay money to see Bill Cosby?
So you can keep an eye on him?
Makes you feel better knowing where he's at at all times?
How are you going to sit in the audience, like this?
[ Laughter ]
[ Cheers and applause ]
Big "no, thank you."
So then something very normal happened.
A politician got caught in a lie, and I was like, "What?"
But then I found out it was
Republican representative George Santos,
and I was like, "What...did he say?"
So the answer is everything!
Alright, he said he was Jewish, but then when pressed about it,
he said, "I'm not Jewish, I'm Jew-ish."
And I was like, "Are you stealing my boss's jokes?"
-People were going up to my mother-in-law and saying,
"Is Seth Jewish?"
And she was saying, "He's Jew-ish."
[ Laughter ]
-Thievery!
[ Cheers and applause ]
But the lies didn't stop there.
He lied about so many things
that we've got to do one of these!
Look at all these lies!
♪♪
So then I took a good --
That was a real cigarette, I think.
[ Laughter ]
Was that real?
[Bleep] brought me back to the good old days!
Give me a thousand more!
Seth, I quit.
I'm smoking cigarettes full time.
So then...
[ Laughter ]
[Bleep] me up.
So then I took a good long look at this guy,
and I was like, "What the [bleep]
is your skin-care routine?"
My God!
What are you, a newborn baby?
God dang, you got some beautiful skin.
What is that, Fenty?
Are you a person or a Lensa AI portrait?
I'd love to ask him, but you know he just gonna lie.
But then something that makes me personally very mad happened.
Okay, so Politico had an article about narcissists
with pictures of Elon Musk, Trump, and Kanye,
and I was like, "What?"
But then I looked closer, and I was like "What?!"
Is that Meghan Markle?
What in the world did she do to be called a narcissist?
Is it because she pointed out racism?
Because if that's what it takes to be called a narcissist,
you can call me Mark Zuckerberg.
Also, to prove she's a narcissist,
the article cites Harry's book,
but where is the picture of Harry?
He wrote a whole book,
and somehow it's his black wife's fault?
They're mad that she left Britain
to protect her black kids, but can you blame her?
This world is so hostile to black children,
I was one and quit.
I was 8 years old talking about,
"If they're going to treat me like this,
I'm going to get a job."
And that's when I started working at "Late Night."
I'm 16.
[ Laughter ]
Speaking of us children, I saw this trend on TikTok
where children lie to their parents
and say a celebrity died to film their reaction,
and I was like, "What? That's awful!
Whose idea was that? George Santos?"
But then I saw a few more, and I was like,
"Okay, some of these are a little funny."
So I'm going to try it on my comedy daddy,
little soccer-loving Seth.
Hey, Seth, did you hear this?
Soccer legend Pelé died.
-Yeah, I know. He died last week.
It was really sad.
-He did?! What?! That's horrible!
So then I found out that Pelé died,
and I was like, "He did?! What?! That's horrible!"
So then the funniest thing in the world happened.
I saw this tweet from former kickboxer Andrew Tate,
where he tweeted at environmentalist Greta Thunberg
bragging about all his cars and their huge emissions,
out of nowhere, for no reason.
And I was like, "What?"
He's like "Send me your e-mail
for a complete list of all my sports cars."
And I as like, "What are you doing bullying this child?
How do you expect her to stand up to a grown-ass man?"
And then she replied and told him to e-mail her
at smalldickenergy@getalife.com.
And I was like, "Whaaaat a terrible burn!"
So after that, it was over. Just kidding.
This man was so pressed that this child burned him
that he made a reply video.
Now, it's like him in a robe, smoking a cigar,
getting a pizza delivery, like, holding a pizza box.
And I was like, "What? What are you doing?"
And that's where it all went to crap.
Because the very next day, authorities arrested him.
He got arrested on like a billion charges
of, like, the worst stuff I have ever heard.
And I was like, "What?!"
Now, I don't want to get into what he was charged with,
but let's just say he could open for Bill Cosby.
And then in the single most savage tweet of all time,
Greta tweeted, "This is what happens
when you don't recycle your pizza boxes."
I was like, "Whaaat?!"
Oh, my God.
For an environmentalist,
this child sure does love scorched earth.
Now, that is why it's important to raise your child right.
Just ask Seth's dad, Lorne Michaels.
[ Laughter ]
This has been "Amber Says What."
Give me that cigarette.