Hey there, this is Clay with relationshipinnergame.com.
I'm the world's leading expert on breakups for high achievers.
Okay.
And, and today what we're going to be talking about are five signs that you are going to
crash and burn with your ex, right?
So maybe you're about to, you know, reach out to them, contact them, and you're about
to have a heart to heart conversation with them, maybe about to spill your guts to them
and tell them your emotions and everything like that.
Are you going to crash and burn?
Let's find out the first sign that you're going to crash and burn through ex is that
you're really only focused on yourself and your own experience and you don't really have
any sort of empathy or a connection with what their experience is.
Okay?
Now I understand that a lot of people going through breakups are a lot of pain and it's
very real sensation to have that like punched in the gut feeling or that feeling where it
just seems like everything just like drops down when you find out, oh, they're on a rebound
relationship or oh, they said this or did that or whatever.
I totally get that.
That's very real and it's only natural to want to focus in on that and pay attention
to that going into your experience, but just know that just focusing only on what your
experiencing is not likely to help you to create a positive interaction with your exes,
going to inspire them to want to get back together.
You know, if your main case for why we should get back together is because I feel bad and
I want to get back together with you so that I won't feel bad anymore.
That's not a very compelling case to the other person.
Right?
And so what you want to make sure that you're doing is, you know, number one is it's totally
fine that you were feeling however it is you're feeling.
I'm not telling you that's wrong and all you can absolutely feel however you're feeling,
but what I also want you to do is simultaneously hold in your mind how your ex feels, how do
they feel when you call and ask them to get back you.
How did they feel when you send a message?
How do they feel when you're interacting?
How do they feel when you're connecting?
How do they feel when you're talking?
Right?
So when you can start to see things from their point of view, it will help you to kind of
adjust how you are approaching them and how you were talking about things like getting
back together or building new connections with them and all of those good, delightful
things.
but when you're only stuck on your own experience, you're not really calibrating to where they're
at.
And instead you're only letting the single force that's guiding you.
Be how you feel in that moment and feel, feel bad.
Then you're going to feel motivated to do things that may be completely out of alignment
with what your ex is at emotionally.
Right?
And when there's that disconnect when you're out of alignment with and other, it only moves
you further apart from each other.
So what you want to do is stay connected to how your ex's feeling.
Stay empathetic towards how your ex's feelings and remember to keep yourself seeing things
from their point of view and that'll help you a lot when it comes to avoiding crashing
and burning with your ex.
Now the second sign that you might crash and burn with your ex is when you are focused
exclusively on the relationship as opposed to the connection between the two of you.
Right?
So, you know, I know that we are a very status driven society where, where, you know, we
want to have the merit badges of achievement, whether that's the relationship, the marriage,
the, connection, the, the fancy car or the job, whatever it is, right?
We're, we're, we're very status driven, our society is.
And so, when you're going through a breakup, you know, you're like, okay, I used to have
this relationship and I want to get that relationship back.
But what I'm, what I'm trying to tell you here is if you're focused on the relationship,
you're probably going to have a more difficult time.
And what I want you to focus on instead is the emotional connection between you and your
ex because of the emotional connection, will give you the relationship.
The relationship will naturally evolve out of having a strong, good, solid emotional
connection.
But if you go after the relationship, the relationship itself will not create the emotional
connection.
The relationship itself won't do that.
I'm sure you probably know some, some couples out there that have been married for, you
know, decades, and I'm sure they're still technically married.
They're still technically in a relationship with one another.
But, you know, all the passion's gone, they don't really like each other, they're just
kind of hanging out, kind of putting up with each other and stuff like that.
So that should show you that the status, the relationship, it doesn't create the connection.
And instead what you want to do is focus on the connection first at the exclusion of any
sort of status or relationship or anything like that.
Right?
So what this means for you specifically is I don't want you to go out there and talking
to your ex talking to like, hey, you know, like when do you think we can talk about getting
back together again?
Hey, what do you think?
We can talk about being in a relationship again.
Hey, you know, I know it's been like three months or something, but do you think we can
get back together yet?
Like I don't want you to talk about things like that.
I want you to instead focus on building a strong emotional connection between you and
your ex.
Okay?
And that emotional connection, when it is strong enough, it will naturally give rise
to the relationship.
Okay?
So don't pursue the relationship.
Pursue the connection.
All right?
And the number three reason why you might crash and burn the number three a sign that
you might crash and burn with your exes, that you haven't made any real substantial changes.
Right?
So breakups happen for a reason and there could be a number of different reasons why
a breakup happens.
You know, it could be because of a fight.
It could be because of a lack of trust.
It could be because somebody didn't think that you had the same values or wanting the
same life that they wanted or well, whatever it is, right?
And in the less, there is some kind of real substantial change that's going to show them
why they should want to get back together with you there.
They're probably going to be a little bit hesitant, a little bit like, I don't know,
like you still don't seem like you're sorry about what you did or you still don't seem
like you want to get your act together or whatever it is.
Right?
And so as long as there is that, as long as the conditions are in place that, that caused
the breakup to happen in the first place, as long as those are still there, it's going
to be a much, much, much harder thing for your ex to be open to and for them to want
to consider.
so you're going to have to really make sure that you make some positive changes.
you know, again, I don't know specifically why your individual breakup happened.
It could be because of a number of different things, but you're going to have to look back
and think like, okay, well, you know, my ex was, was concerned that maybe, you know, my
career wasn't shaping up or something like that.
Like what have I done to maybe get that part of my life handled a little bit better?
Right?
Or maybe it's another emotional thing about connection and empathy.
Like maybe they just didn't feel that connection.
Like what have you done to have a better, stronger connection with them?
I mean, obviously you want to work on the connection in every, a particular scenario,
but there's obviously some external things too, like maybe it's a career thing, maybe
it's a money thing, maybe the trust thing, maybe it's a whatever thing, but beneath all
of that, always focus on the connection as well.
But just know that if you have not made any real substantial changes, any reason for your
ex to believe that things are going to be different.
If they get back together with you, you're probably going to have a tough time and you
may actually crash and burn.
Now the number four sign that you might crash and burn is if you are overly reliant on scripts
and templates and techniques and stuff like that.
Right.
So I know that a lot of people, you know, I've been helping people for a lot of years
and I know that a lot of people, you know, they just want to know what are the words
that I say, like how do I, a text my ex to get them to want to talk to me or like what,
what should I say?
Well my ex says this and if you are constantly needing somebody to whisper into your ear
what the next thing you're going to say is, it's, it's really a bad sign because you kind
of using it as a crutch, right?
Because you know, sure.
Maybe there is some sort of template or script out there that'll tell you what to say in
order to get your ex to open up to you again.
But from there, let's say it works.
Let's say your ex is opened up, has opened up to you again, like what do you do from
there?
Right?
Like, sure, there could be another script, another template, and that might be useful,
but what happens if the conversation deviates from that ever so slightly in your ex is suddenly
asking you about this or suddenly they throw you a curve ball or suddenly they throw you
this other thing out of the blue and you know, if you caught off guard and you don't know
how to respond to that, it's gonna be pretty clear that, that you don't really know what
you're doing and they're just going to pull away and then he'd be like, Whoa, something's
going on here.
This is totally fake like, what's happening here?
And that is why I don't really advocate for scripts and templates and stuff like that.
I mean, sure, sometimes people need a little bit of a, a guiding hand, but beyond that
you have to work on how to have those interpersonal skills, those advanced relational skills that
we talk about in the other videos and in the courts and all of that stuff.
Because those are what's going to help you when things kind of go off the rails.
Right?
Those are what's going to help you, kind of naturally connect, naturally write yourself
when you get sort of knocked sideways, naturally guide things in the way that you want them
to go without having to memorize a bunch of these bs scripts, right?
Like the, the answer isn't to just memorize a possible thing to say for every potential
outcome ever.
Right?
Like, so there's a, there's a TV show in the United States called Monk.
It's about this obsessive compulsive detective and there's this one episode where he is going
out on a, on a date with a woman, right?
And he's a, he has OCD.
So, you know, he gets, he gets, he gets to the point where I have to call her and ask
her out.
And so what he does is he makes a stack of note cards with every possible thing that
she could say and his response to it.
Right?
And so he's like, hello, how are you today?
And then he has like an answer for good and for bad and answer for the in however she
responds, he picks up the car and he's like, oh, that's nice.
Have you heard about, you know, and like, I don't want you to have that kind of relationship
because number one, it's kind of dead, right?
There's no life to it, it's just kind of dead.
You're just of like robotically reading off this thing a number two, it's not rewarding
because it is dead and a number three, there's no real emotional connection there.
You're just kind of reading stuff off and that's not fun.
That's not going to help you out in the long run and that's not what you want.
I think that's what you want.
If it is what you want, and this is probably not the right youtube channel for you.
So please work on those interpersonal skills, work on the advanced relational skills that
we talk about over on the website relationshipinnergame.com. and I think that'll help you a whole lot more
than the scripts and the templates and the techniques and all of that stuff.
Okay. and the fifth sign that you might crash and burn with your ex is that you just don't
know why the break up happened at all in the first place.
and you know, yeah, there are some breakups that happen out of the blue, but I think for
most people, if you look back over the relationship, if you look back over what happened between
you and your ex, you probably could tell that there was something bad looming on the horizon,
right?
Like maybe you didn't know is as bad as it was.
Maybe you thought that you could work things out.
Maybe, you know, it, it just kinda like popped up and you thought it was like a minor issue.
But it turned out it was actually like a major issue.
That can be something that could be, that can kind of help you understand what the breakup
happens so that you can do some of the other things we talked about before.
Like make some real changes that show your extra things are going to be different or
improve the connection or any of those other things.
Right?
But if you're just like totally lost in the dark about why your ex broke up with you and
that is very dangerous and it could be a sign that you're about to crash and burn because
you kind of walking blindly through a minefield and you don't know what those emotional landmines
are that might blow up when you step on them the wrong way, or when you mentioned something,
when you bring something up, when you make some sort of joke or when you make some sort
of comment or something like that.
So it's really important that you understand why your ex broke up with you.
So if you need to sit back, replay the last several months or weeks of your relationship
and see what was going on, what was your ex unhappy about?
What were they complaining about?
What did they want to improve on?
What were you unhappy about?
What were you dissatisfied with?
And start to kind of piece that together.
Okay. and then from there, go on and work on some of those other things, like the emotional
connection or making the real permanent changes to show your ex.
They're not walking back into the same relationship.
So again, I hope this has helped you out.
Please, if you want any more help, go over to relationshipinnergame.com and sign up there
for our email newsletter so that we can start sending you tips, advice, and strategies to
help you get back together with your ex.
This has been Clay Andrews and please, if you've liked this video, please like it and
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It helps us out a, it helps us get more exposure on youtube and again, if you'd like some more
help, please head on over to relationshipinnergame.com And until then, I will talk to you next time.